I just realized that it's been six days since Marc said boo to me and it has been six weeks since we've had a proper conversation. I don't know if I can do this - the no emotions thing - the not caring thing - the just being a toy thing. I can do the submissive thing, but not the being forgotten thing. I can do the non exclusive thing, that isn't a problem, but I don't know if I can push the emotional part out of any relationship I enter into, especially this one.
Maybe its because I'm too impatient and seeing him or really talking to him is becoming something that I can't ever see actually happening. I have a bad habit of wanting a dream, an illusion, a story, and missing the reality of what's right in front of me. What is in front of me now? A cold distant man who doesn't care about who I am or how I feel. Yet, I want to be used by him so badly it hurts me. I've become so obsessed by him I can barely function in my day to day. I hang on, hoping that one day Marc will return that one day he will like me, want me, care about me. I'm like a puppy waiting for a treat that will never come.
This is the insanity of my life.
I have 'nice' guys begging me to give them a chance, some are very good looking and some have lots of money. Guys who will bow at my feet and worship me, spend money on me, give me everything they possibly can, just to get my attention. However, these men don't interest me. They bother me like little flies buzzing around in the heat. I could never just use them, no matter the promises of security, stuff, travel or love. I could never respect them. I could never love them. They are too attainable, too nice, too easy for me to walk all over if I allowed myself to do it.
No, I want the man who can never love me. I want the man who will only use me until he gets bored and then throws me away. I am moved to extreme desire by a man who will only give a tiny bit of himself to me. It's not enough, it will never be enough, and I will be discontent and hurting as long as I lust after him. I know this and yet I still hang on with hope that he'll gaze upon me one day.
How can I change my way of feeling? My mindset? How can I start lusting after the 'nice' guys. The ones who will cherish me, care for me, love me? How can I walk away and turn my back on Marc? On the one man who can truly possess me?