Monday, 31 March 2014

Divorce Lawyers, Court, Counsellors, and My Mother

My parents are in town, they came to help me out. What that means is my mom came to kick my ass and move me forward by talking to advisors, collecting information, and making a plan of action. For well over a year I've allowed my ex to control the divorce, dictate to me what's going to happen, and what my rights are. Guess who get's the short straw on that deal!

I've been meeting with free lawyers who help people like me navigate the court system through legal aid. I've also met with a Justice counsellor who helps families going through divorce by mediating and providing information on services etc. Everyone has told me to get a lawyer and mediation with someone like my ex is not an option for me. Why? Because I act and talk like an abused woman.

Advisors telling me I'm an abused woman in front of my mother is not something I ever thought would happen in my life. Now I'm looking at going and talking to a counsellor on a regular basis. I hate that idea. I don't want to sit and talk about my feelings and sounding like some weak, stupid, abused victim. My mother won't let me off the hook though. She is merciless. And yes, I've allowed her to control me for my whole life.... Although she has gotten a lot less controlling over the last few years.

I've now filed child support papers to take my ex to court to request he start paying me the money he owes. I'm not serving him quite yet, mainly because I still need him to be amicable and nice. I have a few things at the house still and he lives in my house.... His mom is renting from me and I need that $400.00 a month. This puts me in the middle of a rock and a hard spot....

Once he gets served with court documents, I'm expecting him to go ballistic because he told me not to talk to a lawyer and not to go after child support. Not only is he going to be yelling at me, telling the kids how wrong I am for doing it, he's going to stop paying me his mother's rent. In his mind he's doing me a favour by giving me the rent.

All the legal advisors I've talked to told me to get a lawyer and go to Supreme Court to request a court order to force the house. I've filed a lien and paperwork stating I have a spousal right to the property, but they are suggesting that won't be good enough because he could argue a number of different things in the future. I need to protect my asset, get it sold, and get hands on my money.... That way if his mom stops paying me rent, it won't matter.

Every time I've mentioned going to the food bank or the thrift store to help make ends meet, he gets mad. Really mad. He flips out because it's a dig at him for not supporting his kids. Ah. Well, how does he expect me to feed and clothed the kids when I don't have any extra cash? I barely paid for food, the kids, and what my bills were when I wasn't paying anything out of pocket for rent. Now half my income goes to rent.... so where does he think I'm going to get food or clothes for the kids?

In the end our son was using duct tape to keep his boots together because half of each boot was gone. He didn't have any clothes for PE and he has grown out of all his jeans and shirts, again.... When my parents came down to pick up the kids for spring break, he gave my mother $260.00 to take my son shopping for clothing. I guess that's better than nothing.

They went shopping and found some great deals, thankfully, so he was outfitted and my parents added to the amount of money in the form of a birthday gift. He is now outfitted but I haven't seen the clothing because I've barely seen him - that's for another post though....

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Gender Roles, Gender Equality, and Dominant Men.

The Game of 51 series started out as a record of my online dating experiences as I went from a long term marriage back into the world of dating. What it has turned into is a study in gender roles in relationship, power exchange in sex, and gender equality in a Dominant / Submissive relationship.

As I talk to dominant men online I am struck by their attitude toward feminism and modern women. Their views aren't even old fashion ideals of the role of woman. It isn't about loving a woman so much you'd die for them. It isn't about cherishing a woman or taking care of them. It's about using them as sexual objects and using sex to put them in their place. It's about having a woman serve them, worship them, stroke their egos, and be a sexual slave for them. She is to always be ready for sex, which if you're a woman you know - we aren't always in the mood, but that doesn't matter to a dominant man.

Sure being a sex object is a boost to the self esteem. It feels good to be desired, wanted, lusted after. But it gets old fast. Sex is only a small part of a relationship - but to these guys it's everything. It's how they assert their power, their dominance, who they are in the relationship. It's how they make their women less than people, they make them objects of desire, ready to serve them.

They usually ask me what I believe the roles of men and women in a relationship should be. I do like how the Dominant / Submissive dynamic clearly defines gender roles because each person knows exactly what is expected and who is responsible for what. How many more marriages would have lasted had each person been clear about their expectations up front? What role each person was supposed to take on? Who would lead, who would follow?

Still, a Dominant / Submissive 24/7 relationship is an unequal power dynamic I have a hard time wrapping my head around. The more I talk to these men, the more I read, the more I research, the more confusing it becomes. A Dominant man will punish his woman physically, as if she was a child, if she does not do as she is told. When one guy told me he'd spank me if I didn't keep the house clean I told him I'd give him a good right hook if he tried. One, because I'm not a child. Two, because I can't clean worth the brown stuff coming out your butt. I'm not about to agree to discipline for something I know I'll never succeed at or be happy succeeding at. I find no pride in keeping a clean house or by pleasing someone I resent for making me.

For the record I do clean my place, I get rid of clutter etc..... But I do not feel pride when someone comments on how nice the place looks.

The thing that strikes me as completely unfair about the Dominant / Submissive relationship is this: There is a definite consequence for the woman when she doesn't fulfill her role in the agreement, usually a spanking, but who punishes the man when he doesn't fulfill his end of the bargain?  If she isn't getting what she needs, what she wants, if he isn't fulfilling his role, where is his consequence? Who will spank the dominant man when he screws up?

 I have a very hard time getting my head around that. A Submissive in a 24/7 relationship is not supposed to have wants, her only need is supposed to be to serve her Dominant. Still, there has to be something the Dominant is providing the Submissive to get her to stay and if he doesn't, who spanks him?

I believe equality amongst the sexes in a relationship is about respecting each others strengths and supporting them in their weaknesses. I don't believe all men are meant to make all the decisions in a relationship. I don't believe all women are meant to be in the kitchen. I believe equality in relationships is different for each relationship and neither person should take the lead based only on their gender. Dominant men don't seem to like this point of view.

Before you say I'm not submissive, I am in a certain part of a relationship. I'm just not a 24/7 submissive and I have a hard time understanding them. However, I want to. I want to understand how they don't feel abused. How they can view the control that is asserted over them as loving care. I want to know what they get out of such an unequal power dynamic.

Book 4, which I am currently writing, explores 24/7 submission and asks questions about how someone can really find happiness in such a relationship. I talk with a few Dominants online looking for a 24/7 Submissive and I may not get it, but the point of relationships is that there are all different kinds for all different kinds of people.

Due to my marital situation Book 4 will be delayed.

Sunday, 23 March 2014

My Insightful Dream Last Night

If you've been following me you know my life is a mass of change and assholes. Last night I had a very telling dream about how I feel and how my actions push men away and how I have to change the way I  feel about me to get off the merry go round.

The dream: In the dream I was at my brother's wedding but my mother seated me and the kids outside the room. Everyone else was inside the room. I was not part of the family photo session, the ceremony, the reception. I was ignored, forgotten and physically removed from the action.

In the dream I got very upset when we were back at the house. I screamed at my mother, I cried, I poured out my heart. I went over every slight, listed out every other family event I wasn't invited to, seated outside of, and demanded she apologize, make up for it, make me feel better. Guess what. She got mad I was ruining the wedding. She rationalized, came up with excuses, put the blame on me, belittled my feelings, laughed at the drama.

In the dream I told other family members about how I felt and they would tell me I didn't understand what they were going through and why I had to be seated outside to keep the family peace because there wasn't enough room inside and heaven forbid one of them were seated out there. Until I started listing off how I was outside of every family celebration, never invited, forgotten and then they started in on my mother and how unfair she was being. Still she pushed back, didn't relent, didn't make me feel better. I did not matter.

Finally, in the dream I walked away. I packed up the kids and left telling her not to contact us ever again. Suddenly she was buying me gifts, planning trips that included us, and trying to do whatever she could to make things better. However, the more she did the more angry I got, the more hurt, the more slights, insults, and injustice I remembered. For example, my ex husband and his mother were seated in the room at my brother's wedding, why were they even invited? If they weren't there would have been room for me and the kids. I was trying to make her pay, get her to give more, apologize more, feel worse than she did. I was miserable. I couldn't feel happy with the gifts, the attention, the apology.

That's the dream streamlined, of course there were many more people, lots more action, and even finer symbolic details.

I don't keep a dream journal. I don't analyze my dreams or even care to really remember them. This one struck me as significant this morning because it's very telling of my marriage, dating life, and even the relationship I have with my mother. It's telling because it tells me how I act, how I demand attention, how I hang on hoping for those crumbs of decency I believe I am entitled to. I play the martyr, the victim, hoping others will feel sorry for me and fight my battle for me.

Currently, I don't feel like I matter. I don't feel cared about, heard, or even loved and that's because I'm not.

I am on a merry go round of hurt, pain, emotional baggage. I know that until I can store that baggage in the overhead compartment for good because I matter to me, I care about me, I love me, I will never matter to anyone else.

The question becomes, how to jump off this merry go round? How to love myself?

Saturday, 22 March 2014

Need to Focus on Writing not Dating

Went for a long drive with my best friend.... An eight hour drive to be exact. We talked about everything and she gave me a good talking to.  Sometimes it takes a girlfriend to get you back on track. I should be writing and focusing on polishing it for publishing. The ebooks are not polished, the story is erratic but there is a real story there.

I am currently working on book four and it hasn't been easy. I don't know why but I can't seem to write it. Not because I don't have material or because I don't have experiences... I mean I finally go on a couple actual meet the guys in the real world to my disappointment.... I am so obsesses with Marc though I keep looking for him, re reading his messages, trying to figure out how to move him closer to me.... Which I never will.

She was brutally honest and although she understands how 'hot' Marc makes me and how much I want him in the real world.... I need to fix me. I need to demand respect. I need to write my books and get on with my life. If he wants to be apart of my life he'll come around, if not, I'm sure there is some other guy out there that will make me just as 'hot' and will treat me well.

So onto finishing Book 4 and getting it uploaded....

Monday, 17 March 2014

I'm Obsessed With a Man

I need to get a grip. I am obsessed with Marc. I can't get him out of my head, haven't been able to since he first winked at me four months ago. He has been manipulating me the whole time. I can see the manipulation techniques as they happen and I still step toward him willingly. I want what he is offering but I need to stop.

Every time he goes silent to bring me closer I go insane. I can't stop emailing him, jumping up and down saying "Hey don't forget about me."

Yesterday I noticed he was chatting on the online dating site I met him on and so what do I do.... sent him 4 emails. First one.. Hey thinking about you... second and third... questions about what I should be expecting from whatever this is with him and the last email was let's just say I don't expect to hear from him any time soon. I was quite depressed by the time I wrote it.  -- Started out with me saying call me when he was in town for sex and I'd write him a bill on my way out the door right after he used me.... Not very sexy.

Really pathetic. Completely desperate. The absolutely wrong thing to do.....

The reason I'm obsessing over this jerk is I have no life. I now live on my own. I work from home. I moved into a small apartment so all my hobby crap went into storage. I need to get out. I need to get busy. I need to figure out what things I need to do to be happy. I need to meet other people, both men and women... In other words, I need a life.

If I can get a life then I won't be looking for Marc's emails. I won't be around for his calls. I won't be available for video sex... now that was a hot experience.... One I can't wait to write about in my series the Game of 51.  If I'm not available then he'll either write me off or start obsessing over me.... either way I'll be happier.

If he writes me off then I'm finally free of the hold he has over me. If he starts obsessing over me then I'll hear from him more and the benefits of that are hot... really hot... and satisfying....

I have just gone through a really terrible time in my life leaving me depressed. Marc is my distraction. The thing that makes me feel good for about 5 seconds and I crave that happy feeling. Problem is, when I am not getting his attention the absence of that 'happy feeling' leaves me even more depressed.

Any ideas about what to do to stay occupied and stop obsessing over a man? I prefer meeting another man.... whenever I do it works well, until the other man becomes a dud..... Usually the minute I meet him in the real world. Are there any decent single men out there?

Saturday, 8 March 2014

Can't Say the Right Thing to the Ex

I tried talking to the ex a couple of times this week and he blew up both times and then proceeded to freak out again when I went to the house to pack today. What did I say wrong?

My son needs shoes, clothes, and boots. The kid just won't stop growing and is hard on all his stuff. I can't afford to buy him anything new, so told him we'd have to go to the thrift stores. Well, he'd rather shop at the thrift stores because he doesn't want to contribute to the terrible conditions of slavery in the textile manufacturing industry by buying new clothes. Plus, we live in a pretty affluent area, so there are lots of really great clothes at these stores. 

I called the ex to see if he could pick them up from their activities yesterday because I was going out with some friends. I happened to mention that I was taking our son to the thrift store to get clothes before dropping him off at his activity. Yeah, I guess that was me making a dig that he was a terrible father. 

My ex got pissed and barked that our son is supposed to ask him to go shopping for clothes. Our teenager has his own ideas about fashion and his father, well, has his - cheap. The ex accused me of purposefully making him out to be a terrible father and me, being me, quickly communicated that it was our son's choice to go to a thrift store. I didn't want him thinking I know he's a bad father after all. 

The other time I said the wrong thing, I was being a bit of a bag. My brother is getting married and I got the invitation for me and the kids to the wedding. My ex is no longer invited. I called to see if he wanted me to get him an invitation because he was a member of the family for a long time. Really I just wanted him to know that my family no longer considered him part of theirs. That was pretty petty of me. He angrily called me on it and wasn't impressed, not that he wanted to go of course. 

Today, when I arrived to pack some of the crap left to go into boxes, he had a freak out attack again. Add that to me not telling him what I did last night with the girls.... In his mind I'm an easy slut who was getting laid by some guy last night and I need him to make sure I don't do something stupid. 

He might have a case there, considering that I was actually home video chatting with Marc and not out with friends. Smart I am not when it comes to that man. 

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Finally Out after MIL Moved in

So my ex moved his mother in a week before I could get out of the house. Not the best situation to say it lightly. Her boy can do no wrong and I'm making things difficult. Really? He's the one who asked for the divorce, he's the one who won't pay me a cent, he's the one refusing to sell our house, he's the one demanding I don't talk to a lawyer or make a plan of action.  I'm the one making things difficult? I'm moving out of my beautiful 2570 square foot house and she's moving in all for $400.00 rent a month. Is she kidding me? I'm making things difficult?

I zoned out the whole week and thankfully I hurt my back so badly I could stay in bed watching TV for most of it. I couldn't write. I couldn't think. I certainly wasn't good company. The best part, I couldn't pick up a box so my ex, his mother, and the kids did all the heavy lifting to get me moved into my new place, an 800 square foot basement suite for $1000.00 a month.

No dishwasher. A kitchen 1/2 the size. Only 2 bedrooms for me and 2 teenagers. All the ex MIL could do was tell me the places she had found and how hard done by she was to have to rent a small place. No thank you. In fact they both demanded I thank them for helping me move out.... I'd told them I'd handle it, but my ex insisted on controlling the move. Did I mention he gave me rules about what to pack, where to put the stuff that won't fit into the place, what to do when I'm living there etc.... I can't remember them because I wasn't listening.

The good news. Now I get to fight back. I put a lien on the house to protect my share of it so he can't sell it or mortgage it without my say so. I have copies of all his accounts, tax info, etc. I collected two  assessments from Realtors. I took pictures of everything he is keeping and owns. I have met with lawyers to find out what I'm entitled to and have meetings with professionals to help me complete and file all the paperwork to get child support.

I've been so compliant and complacent for the last seven years that he forgot I am smart enough to know how to solve my problems. This should be an interesting year.

Marc has been around, but not really there. He says he feels for me.... what does that mean?

When I thought I was headed for a woman's shelter or my parents place I took a leave from work and sent Marc an email letting him know I wasn't going to be around for the foreseeable future. Then my life turned around in 48 hours and we were emailing again, however, he's more distant then before. More guarded and actively looking for someone else.  I should just step away.... but.... then what? I guess you'll have to read the books to find out....