Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Thinking of Getting the Boobs cut OFF!

I met a successful man for drinks and thought things were going well. I'd dressed in a baggy top, no cleavage, and jeans. Nothing provocative or sexy... I wanted a conversation not another letch fest....

The first few drinks were good, he was a very interesting man. After a few drinks his focus was impaired by his smaller head and he couldn't focus on the conversation. Then he started getting braver and commenting on my shirt and how my boobs looked. Did I mention it was a t-shirt type material with one of those cover up type jackets that just hang off you....

Soon I was grabbing his hands to keep them off my boobs and it ended the date on a bad note.

On the weekend I conducted an experiment... no surprise with the results because men are men and I've had similar results in the past.

In my profile I was very clear about my IQ being larger than my ample chest and that I was not interested in men being rude, asking for hook ups, etc.... I even said I wasn't a free prostitute or porn star. I was clear and blunt.

I then posted a pic of me with my cleavage...

Within minutes I had over ten messages....

This let me know right away what these guys were about...

The difference, in the past I'd received rude comments about my size, what they wanted to do with my tits and asking how big they are... This time I didn't get any rude comments but lots of hellos and how are yous....

Should I use what assets God has given me to attract men with perverted thoughts on their mind or schedule an appointment with a cosmetic surgeon to get them reduced... They are big enough I could get medical to cover the reduction.... but that would ruin my bodies balance.... I have a perfect hour glass figure with a 10" difference between my waist and hips/chest.  Whether I'm 70 lbs lighter or overweight my measurements always have the 10" differential.

Some men told me to find non boob men to talk to.... they exist?

It's not that I have a problem with causing men's desire to stir, it's just I'd rather do it at appropriate times and when I mean to do it. Not just because I talk to them.... I want a man who can see me for me, my mind, my ideas, my talents, my heart, and my values.... Not my pretty face, my eyes, and especially not for my breasts....

Sunday, 18 May 2014

My Daughter does NOT want me to Date

My daughter had a melt down yesterday when we were on her way to her dad's where she was going to stay while I went to a friends place in Vancouver. I didn't understand why she was freaking out until she said, I know more than you think I do.

I immediately stopped my car on the side of the road and asked her what she was talking about.... Well she didn't believe that I was just going to hang out with Dani, so while I was in the shower she went into my room grabbed my computer and went through my emails to find out what I was up to. NOT good... Yes I know I should have closed out my user profile before shutting off my computer. In my defence, she never uses my computer without asking first and I was in a hurry.  Not good enough, I still should have shut my user name off automatically.

She read the latest email from Marc and although it wasn't sexually explicit and told me wonderful things he thought about me that were not sexual, he still called me his whore and that is NOT what any mother wants their daughter to read about them. I can understand how she was scared, one I'd lied to her about what I was really doing and two, she'd read emails that were not for her eyes.

There were lots of tears and apologies. I told her I was sorry for emailing the adult content words I had been emailing and that I was not planning on having sex with my dates that weekend, but yes I was dating.

Considering how much fear I put into her about talking online to people she didn't know and the dangers of doing stupid things, like sending pictures of herself.... she was freaking out about my safety. A long conversation and tears on my part going over my fears of being alone and no one wanting to date me. I explained that I was stupid to be playing adult email sex games, but I found it therapeutic due to issues I had.

She kept saying that she only had one childhood and we've ruined it by getting divorced and then talking to other people. While explaining my actions I told her more about how my childhood was ruined at the age of two and the effects it has had, which is the reasons for the types of words in my emails and how I don't want her to feel the way I do. I want her to be happy and innocent, however, she is twelve and that innocence is starting to be eroded by media, friends, and unfortunately, me. I wish she never saw what she read and I wish I had been more careful...

We talked about her fears, my fears, and what she read. We talked about how I would not be going back to her dad and she agreed that she didn't want me to be with him. By the end of our conversation she was encouraging me to go on dates and find someone to spend time with. She wasn't afraid anymore, wanted me to be happy and understood my fears. We started talking more about what was acceptable and what wasn't.

I cancelled four dates and I'm going to spend the rest of the long weekend with her. I hope to fix some damage and be as honest as I can be with her about adult dating. I need to try to quell her fears and start behaving like an adult and not an insecure little teenager.


Before my last date I told my daughter where I was going and what I was doing. We talked briefly and she was alright with the idea by the time I left. Later she told me that she didn't worry about me and was a lot more calmer than the times I told her I was going out to meet a friend or just going out for a drink.... That tells me I've done the right thing....

The Letch

My date today went from being some what interesting to a complete letch who wouldn't respect my boundaries and refused to acknowledge my discomfort. Some touching I'm ok with on a date in public, hold my hand, put an arm around me, or a quick kiss. This guy took public displays of affection to a new level and when I would pull away or say I needed space he'd be back into my personal space within moments.

I realize my role here... I was not forceful enough and should have just walked away. Reasons I didn't... same as always, some guy was paying attention to me and making me feel wanted. That is huge for me but it doesn't mean it leaves me feeling good about myself or what happened. I didn't realize how bad I felt until after he left and my stomach revolted against me. I'm still feeling ill more than twelve hours later. 

I have no boundaries, never have, they were destroyed at a very young age and I am still trying hard to build them. My upbringing trained me to put men first, to see their needs as more important, to see them as more important. It's not that my mother meant that to be the lesson she taught, it just was. She would then be horrified if I didn't stand up against a man or slept with one. I would be berated and labelled 'bad' because I didn't stand up for myself and demand respect. These mixed messages in my teens left me as two separate people and I'm never sure which one will show up on the date. 

Today the kick ass bitch started the date, but this guy slammed right through that facade to bring out the weaker easily manipulated wounded me. This me doesn't have the skills to protect herself from unacceptable advances. This me has no self respect and men can pick up on that because she has no clear boundaries. She doesn't follow the kick ass bitch's rules because the feel of being with a man is so comforting and nice. Yet, men scare the living daylights out of her because all they've done is use and abuse her. That girl needs to stay in her box. 

I don't like that weak, broken, hurting, insecure part of me. I try to keep her boxed up behind a wall, but this letch kept coming until he broke the wall and then there were no boundaries left. He did what he wanted and kept trying to 'sell me' on more. I was finally able to get him to leave, but only because I said I was meeting a friend. At first he wanted to escort me to her place. When I said she was meeting me there, he wanted to wait with me... there was no friend, no car, no way to get away. Finally, he left and I walked to the closest coffee shop to wait until following and jumping on the next train home. 

What lesson did I learn? Have an escape plan. Have a way out of the situation. Do not allow the kick ass bitch to be trampled down just because he's confident, persistent, and forceful. I have too much to learn and too much to build up. It's not an easy process but I'll get there.

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Online Dating Profiles - Good, Bad, & Ugly.

I spend too much time reading online dating profiles, most of which are terrible. Here are some tips on how to market yourself better in a profile. 

1. The first two sentences. 

The amount of profiles that start off, I don't know what to write here, I'm new to this online dating thing, or my personal favourite - Just ask.  These sentences are not good openers. 

Your first two sentences have to 'hook' the reader and draw them in so make sure they sound confident and tell the prospective date why he or she should contact you. Who you are, who you're looking for. 

Some examples of decent starts are: 

I am easy going and down to earth. Would love to find someone the same. Nice conversation would be wonderful and a lot of laughter.I enjoy travel, a warm beach with an umbrella drink. 

Looking for friends and activity partners. Wanting to try some new adventures this spring, any ideas? Right now doing some martial arts, gym, jogging.

I have been an outdoors person all my life and I love being around water... whether ocean or lake. I would like to meet someone to laugh with and get to know without any pressures of things becoming too serious.

2. The Headline.

Most dating sites allow for a headline to your profile. Some I've seen are terrible, for example here are some bad headlines from a popular dating site.:

...........    -This says you're too lazy or not intelligent enough to come up with something.

Seeing whats out here...   - This says you aren't serious about meeting someone, maybe even married.
Ready to run   - Not sure where this guy is running off to.
insearch of soulemate   - Make sure you can spell soulmate if you're looking for one.
Looking for chemistry   - This says hey I just want sex...

Some Good Examples are:

Looking for a fun smart lady  -  Tell them what you are looking for
UEFA not UFC. Violins not violence. Wine not whine  - Show what type of person you are
Lets get out and play....even in the rain - Say what you like to do
Leonard looking for Penny -  Use Pop Culture to say who you are and what you want

3. The Profile.

Do not leave this section blank or write that you'll get to it later. The point is to tell people who you are and why they should either contact you or respond to you, use it. Write three sections and break each into small paragraphs with lots of white space. 

Section 1. Who you are looking for. 
Describe the person you are looking for. There are many ways to do this, use your personality. If you consider yourself funny, use humour. If you consider yourself serious, be serious. If you consider yourself educated, use big words. Just be you.

Section 2. Who are you. 
Describe those features that best describe you. Those things you want people to like about you or know you for. What are your values, your likes, your personality, your belief system. Once again inject your personality into your words. Flirt and be creative. Whatever you do don't write - I don't know what you..... Really? You are you, be proud of that and tell the world who you are.

Section 3. What are you looking for. 
Are you looking for casual or serious? Do you just want to date or do you want a long term relationship? Describe what you believe a relationship is and how each person should be. Do you like big romantic gestures? Or is coffee being made for you in the morning enough? Do you want equality in a relationship or traditional gender roles? What strengths do you bring to a relationship? 

Make sure the way you fill out each section reflects your personality.  Use one of the following formats or make up your own if you are unique!

1. Point form. Make a list written in point form to communicate what you value in a partner.
2. Story. Tell a story about what you want a partner to be like in a certain situation
3. Paragraph. Write a short concise paragraph outlining exactly what you are looking for. 

4. Photos

Photos are the most important part of online dating profiles because we are all shallow and looking for someone we are attracted to, so make sure your photos are good. 

Most women profiles show that they put some thought and care into their pics because they realize how they look matters to men. On the other hand, men don't seem to understand that how they look does matter to women. 

Your main profile pic should show just your face... no friends, no exotic place behind you, no relatives, no kids... Make sure it's a good pic of your face. Not photogenic? Well put some effort into yourself, hair, face, clothes, and get someone who knows what they are doing to take pics of you when you aren't trying to pose for them. The best pics are the ones that are taken when you are relaxed and don't know someone snapped the picture. 

Other pics... Do not in anyway put up a pic of you with someone of the opposite sex. I don't care if it's your best friend, your sibling, your long lost cousin... The prospective date won't know and will assume that it's an ex. Pics of you with friends is great as a group shot, not just two people getting a close up. However, your friends may not want to be on your online dating profile, so maybe blur out their faces. 

Pics with kids... I'm mixed here. On one hand I want to see that you are a good parent, on the other, I don't think images of kids belong on a dating profile. This one is mixed.

I spend my time looking at guys profiles and men, I got to tell you something... Start thinking about what women will think is cool and not what your guy friends do. If you want a woman who will go dirt biking with you, by all means put up picks of your dirt bike. If you want a woman who will fish, then fishing picks are perfect. However, I don't know a lot of women who like to spend their time getting dirty or waiting around for a fish to bite. 

Then there are pics of men and their toys... Yes some women are all about the flash and the toys. If that's the kind of woman you want to attract, by all means keep posting them. If you want a woman who likes you for who you are and not what you have, leave the toys at home until you know she likes you for you... Then spring them on her. 

Put up pics of you doing things you'd want a woman to do with you. If dirt biking is a guys only activity for you, don't advertise it. Think about your profile from the opposite sex's point of view. Can't do that? Ask a friend of the opposite sex to tell you what they think your profile is saying about you.

Men shirts off, women all cleavage. What do these pictures say to you? If you are looking for hook ups and casual sex, these photos will communicate that. If you are not, well maybe cover up. 

Make sure there is a full body pic, even if you know your body isn't fabulous.... why waste time getting to know someone who won't appreciate you for all of you? Hiding your body is only going to make others suspicious about what it is your hiding and when you meet in the real world, they are not going to stick around because they'll feel duped. No they won't like you once they get to know you, because they won't stick around long enough to get to know you. 

I'm overweight and I've got huge breasts. When I had my full body pic up I received lots of rude comments asking to see them uncovered, asking how big they are, etc. I finally just wrote a note on the pic saying don't be rude and just deleted the rude messages because I didn't want to meet those guys in the real world. I still get messages from men who like what they see, good looking men, hot fit men, I can't explain it, but some 'hot' guys like soft curvy women. Don't sell yourself short. The guys that are hung up on weight, you don't want to meet them in the real world because you will have very little in common. 

Make sure your photos show what kind of person you are. Are you professional? casual? fun? flirty? sexy? slutty? upper crust? or down to earth? All your photos should show you at your best and tell the full story about who you are. Make sure you have a pic of you the clothes you wear to work, in clothes you wear out on a date, clothes you wear around the house.... Just make sure they are all good photos. 

Think about how you analyze an online dating profile. Chances are someone is looking at yours the exact same way.

Monday, 12 May 2014

Can A Dominant Man Love his Submissive Woman?

This is one question I struggle to find an answer to. From an outsiders perspective it's hard to see how dominating a person, controlling them, is an act of love. I recently talked face to face with a dominant man and asked him the question, his answer was, 'Of course I do.'  I still found it very hard to believe him.  After all, the only way he's intimate with his submissive is to spank, belt, whip, and cane her. He knows she doesn't enjoy the pain, but she takes it to please him, to show her love for him. That is what pleases him. In my mind I was thinking, she endures a beating that leaves bruises to prove her love, but what the  **** does he endure to prove his?

Most dominant men I ask the 'love' question to tell me they do love. However, it isn't as an equal or even as a person. They love their submissive like the do a toy, an object, a possession, their most valuable possession. Last I checked in this materialistic world possessions are easily replaceable. There is always a newer, better, model that comes out. Yes, vanilla men also will trade up, discarding their old wives for a trophy one, a younger one, a better one... But are those men capable of real love anymore than the dominant one?

What is love?

There is the crux of the original question. What is the definition of love? There are so many different opinions on the subject. Hollywood has romanced the idea of love into a chemical reaction, an obsession with another person. Fairy tales made love out to be an instant spark that would make everyone happy who felt it. But is this romanced version of love real? I for one don't think so. It's not love, but lust gift wrapped and sold off to young impressionable girls as love. It makes it easier for boys and men to pray on the weaker sex to get what they want - a night of passionate sex.

One movie, Original Sin, asked the question, what is the difference between lust and love? The answer was: When you lust for someone you want to take everything from them, when you love someone you want to give them everything.

Poetry is full of definitions of love. I quoted Shakespeare as a theme for my wedding: Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds, it is an ever fixed mark. Quite a fitting quote considering my marriage ended up toxic and unloving. So now that I no longer love my ex, does that mean I never did? Did any poet fully understand love?

As a mother I love my children. I would do anything to protect them. I sacrifice my own wants and needs to fulfill theirs. I make sure they have everything even if I go without. Is that love? I could never physically hit them to the point of leaving bruises. If they are in pain, I am in pain. If I hurt them, and I sometimes do, I feel regret, pain, guilt.

The Bible has a lot to say about love.  Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonour others. It is not self seeking. It is not easily angered. It does not keep any record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. The Bible also tells wives to submit to their husbands and for husbands to die (sacrifice) for their wives.

The dominant men I have talked to readily admit they are selfish to the core. That the arrangement is about the submissive giving everything without expectation of reciprocation. They admit freely that they only take and still they claim to love their submissive. I find that hard to believe. I may be jaded from my controlling abusive marriage, but I still can't see how a dominant man can truly love another person. Love is a selfless act, one their own submissives portray to them everyday through enduring pain, sacrificing their own wants, and putting the desires of the dominant ahead of their own. Seeing love demonstrated by their submissive, how can they even think they feel love?

I have never been in a dominant/submissive relationship. I have only talked with dominant men and Marc has yet to actually show up in my life, even then the man will never love me. I am a submissive woman, not a dominant male, so I cannot in anyway speak for them. However, as an observer I have an opinion, as I've expressed here, but it is hardly the answer I seek, the answer I hope desperately for.

Do dominant men abuse submissive women?

Sunday, 11 May 2014

Happy Mother's Day To All Mother's.

I spent yesterday with my ex and my kids celebrating mother's day and now I'm alone today as they celebrate with his mother. I miss my kids when they are not with me but it gives me time to do all those things I didn't have time to do before.... Like sew myself some clothes that actually fit... Go for a walk in the sunshine and watch movies I missed seeing over the years....

It's all in perception. I never had a mother's day alone before... it's nice to just have some 'me' time. Even if I have way too much of it...

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

The Pain of Loneliness

I'm lonely. Ever been hit with that painful emptiness deep inside your gut. That hole demanding to be filled making your skin crave the touch of the opposite sex? Ever need to be held so badly that it is the only thing you can think of? Everyone is lonely at times and after a divorce that loneliness and new found freedom can catapult us into destructive behaviours, or into the arms of toxic men / women.

I am currently reading Toxic Men, by Lillian Glass. It's an easy read and an eye opener in so many ways about why my marriage slipped off the rails. I brought out the worst in my ex and he in turn brought out the worst in me. I shut down and stopped trying, which only escalated our issues and lead to our separation. Now, I'm lonely and am making bad decisions when it comes to the world of online dating because I just want some attention.

The problem with trying to find that attention online is it's not real until you meet in the real world. Too many predators, scammers, hook up artists, and insincere babies will find you online when you are at your most vulnerable. Manipulators will tell you lies to gain information you willingly tell them, hoping it will draw them closer to you. Rules and boundaries you put up for yourself can be easily broken when you are desperate enough. Lines that should be cemented in the ground, become dust. Loneliness can lead us to make dangerous choices we wouldn't otherwise make.

What seems like innocent fun, a game, can become an obsession. What seems real is only a fantasy, which can feel more exciting than reality. What seems innocent can turn harmful to those you love. It can push them away and when they find out your secret, it can destroy them.

Loneliness is a stabbing pain of emptiness deep inside our gut, ripping through the body to pour out our eyes into a sea of regret. It is a dull ache behind our hearts that flows into empty arms that crave to hold another warm loving body. Loneliness can lead to depression, destruction, desperation, but it doesn't have to.

If you are busy with friends and making new friends, not dates online, you will be too busy to feel that pain. Still feel it? Start working on loving yourself, defining what you want out of life and creating a plan to go after it. Volunteer. Call a friend. Join a group. Take a class. Read non fiction. Find something that will occupy your mind and your body while helping you to grow as a person.

Try not to watch romantic movies or read romance novels. Hollywood's version of romance is flawed, it isn't love and if it hurts you, why bother? They are only stories, not real, only fantasy. Yes, fantasy can be a happier place to be, however you'll never find love in the real world if you don't live in it.

What do you do to stave off the loneliness?

Thursday, 1 May 2014

Do Dominant Men Abuse Submissive Women?

The Game of 51 series has started out as a study in Dominance and Submission and whether or not it is a loving relationship or an abusive one. At first glance it is very easy to see how it is abusive because of it's unequal power structure and reliance on BDSM.

There are so many questions and different opinions, many of them extremely emotionally charged.

I was talking with one dominant man about abuse and BDSM. He asked me some poignant questions before saying he could never do what he does if his partner felt she was being abused. That begs the question, will a submissive woman whose only desire is to please her dominant tell him the truth? Or will she lie about how she feels to continue to please him? Or does she even really know if she is abused or not?

Every time I get an answer from one of these men I end up with more questions.

Keep in mind that I am only talking with them, I have never been in a D/S arrangement even though I believe I am a submissive woman. So I am not talking from experience and am not an expert on the subject, far from it. That said I still can form opinions, ask questions, and come up with ideas on the topic.

I believe that abuse in a D/S dynamic arrangement is a very fine line that a Dominant man must always be aware of, more so than non-Dominant men in vanilla relationships. Any relationship can become abusive where one person has more power than the other one, the intrinsic power play of a D/S relationship can make it an easy line to cross if the submissive is not given any chance to voice her feelings honestly without fear of punishment.

From what I've learned from talking to these men, they do not view their partner as an equal, some even view them as I would a child in terms of power and treatment. These men admit they are extremely selfish and need a woman who will please them with no expectation of any reciprocation. So the question becomes what does the woman in this situation get from the arrangement?

In a regular relationship a man and woman come together out of love and a desire to give to and care for each other. The D/S relationship is no different, except the expectations, wants, and desires are agreed to up front after a long Q & A process and one person is the giver while the other one is the caretaker. One makes all the decisions, while the other expedites those decisions. It's like a boss and a worker arrangement without the exchange of wages. A Dominant is kind of like an employer who looks out for his employee and ensures she has what she needs to get the job done.

For some Submissives the fact that they can arouse their Dominant and please him in the bedroom gives them a feeling of power and satisfaction. Whether or not they ever receive a physical release is mute to them because their motivation is to please and they find power in that. For others its the structure and the boundaries that give them security because they are unable to create boundaries for themselves.

I trained my dog to go for walks without a leash and the other day I noticed something. When I don't use a leash he is constantly checking where I am in relation to himself. He stays next to me and is constantly looking up at me to make sure he's doing 'good.' When I put him on a leash he pulls, explores, stops to smell things, is freer to take in his environment because he knows the leash will only let him go so far and he is safe to just 'be.' That's how some Submissives feel when it comes to the rules and boundaries, i.e. the leash, that their Dominants have established for them. I'm not saying they are dogs, just using my dog's walking habits to explain the point.

Abuse comes into the arrangement when the needs of the Submissive are not met. When beating her down to make her feel worse, so he can feel better, is the main objective of the Dominant man. When a Submissive does not have the power to leave because she is without funds, support, or opportunity. Emotions and feelings could lead a Submissive to stay in an abusive relationship in hopes she will receive what she needs to be happy. Conditioning could lead a Submissive to stop caring for herself as a person and become abused. So a Dominant man must always be aware of his Submissive's needs, feelings, and happiness. In a D/S relationship responsibility is on the Dominant, even ensuring he doesn't abuse his charge and she is well cared for.

Dominant and Submission is a complex arrangement based on trust and honesty more than any other type of relationship. I still have a million questions, but they won't all be answered because like all relationships, each one is unique. Each Dominant is motivated for different reasons, each Submissive is motivated for different reasons. Some are happy loving relationships, some are sex only arrangements, some are abusive. The hardest hurdle I had in understanding this world was seeing a D/S relationship as first and foremost a relationship, just like any other.