Monday, 15 September 2014

Dating Advice Blogs, Websites & Books

Since I've been reading as much as I can on dating in the 21st Century, plus how men and women see each other, I thought I'd put a list together.


Cija Black: This woman has put together an amazing website with podcast to help women be stronger and better daters. If you want to know what you're doing wrong and how to find that elusive quality man, check out her website and podcast.

The Rules Revisited : This male blogger has been analyzing his dating experience and has some really interesting insights into the differences between men and women and how they view each other. I found his writing style easy to follow and his insights mostly right on the money. He is an intelligent individual with some good points on modern day romance.

Finding Love: A collection of articles written on Psychology Today's website about dating, love and the different sexes. Really insightful look at the science and psychology behind the gender connection game.

Last First Date: A dating coach. In today's world a dating coach might just help keep you from heart ache. There are a lot of great articles to read and some straight forward advice. Considering the number of scammers I seem to attract, the how to protect yourself advice is most welcome.

Dating Books:

Toxic Men:  A good book organizing the toxic behaviours of different types of men. What I did learn from this book was that women have similar toxic behaviours that can bring out the worst in certain men. Toxic types can match up and be happy others match up and become codependent, still others match up and it's WW III. The book is filled with insightful advice that will make you think about your own behaviour and the type of man that is best suited for you.

The 30 day Love Detox: OK well I'm reading this one now... So far it's pretty old fashioned advice... Don't sleep with the guy in the first 30 days of dating and make him court you... My BFF swears by the advice in this book and she's always got a man or three taking her out on real dates and begging her to commit to them. So I'm giving it a chance....

Online Dating Sites:

Plenty of Fish: Since this online dating site is free it is more about quantity of choices than actual quality. You have to throw back a lot of minnows before you catch sight of anything decent. However, it is free and you will have a lot of men/women to chose from.

OK Cupid: Another free site. I like this one better because it has literally thousands of questions to answer about your values, dating ideals, sex preferences, lifestyle, and beliefs. The algorithm then matches your profile with other profiles bases on a % of acceptable and unacceptable answers. You can then go through and see how the potential date answered questions to see if there are any deal breakers. The site is getting more popular and once again, it's free so there is a lot to chose from. This is one where you have to pay in order to communicate. You can set up a profile for free and peruse the site, but you have to pay to communicate. There are lots of profiles to look at but few that you can communicate with. So although it looks like there are lots of potential daters, not all of them are subscribers. The fact that it's a paid site should mean that there is more quality. I did not find that to be the case. I received very few messages and those I did receive were the same quality of men as the ones I'd met on the free sites. I had heard great things about this site and the quality of guys on it so I signed up. I didn't find that the quality was any better and the few dates I did finally end up on.  The communication process is slow and scripted with questions you answer to see if you want to continue on finding out more about the person. You finally get through the process and end up having a conversation.  Guys were more ready to meet in the real wold I found, but in the end were no better than the guys I met on POF and OKC.

Zoosk: Horrible... My least favourite site... Although I never tried the new timber site which I'm sure is worse than this one.....

Lavalife: This one is worse than Zoosk in that it's full of horny old men looking to talk smut via IM chats with absolutely no intention of meeting in the real world.. The amount of kink, married cheaters, scammers, dominants, and other fringe dwellers is astronomical. This site caters to the old and desperate.

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Mommy Issues Much? Bad Date & Online Predator

As I work in coffee shops sometimes I usually arrange for guys to stop by to meet in the real world. Most times they are nice normal guys but something about me either puts them off or there is something about them. The last guy showed up and immediately began telling me how mad he was at his sisters because they wouldn't help him take care of his elderly mother. Odd, considering in most families it's the daughters who step up, but a good sign that he stepped up. A guy who takes care of his mother... A good thing right?

Yeah, until he started telling me how upset he was because her care giver kept making sure she took walks and now she's healthier than when he'd moved in. They told him she'd be dead soon and that's why he agreed to move in with her and he was upset because she was still alive.... Hmmmm and he wondered why I didn't respond when he said he wanted to see me again.

I'm a bored forty something year old woman and as you already know, a little on the more open side of talking about sex. This morning I was chatting online with a nice guy, he claimed to be a cosmetic surgeon who owned his own practice. Maybe his dad is the doctor because this kid certainly wasn't. He asked me to call him and I did, easier than typing.

The minute I'm on the phone he's belligerent telling me that ladies are boring and who'd want to date a lady anyway. What seemed like a nice successful guy online turned into a prick and an abuser of the first order, with a twist.... Mommy issues....

Right away from the way he talked it was obvious he was in his twenties and not educated. As usual I listened and answered sex questions that by now are normal. There's my wake up call.... or at least should be.... when did sex questions from strangers become mundane and normal?....

This kid was a piece of work and like others started jerking off. It was the manipulation of his words that I found interesting. He had statistics worked out, he usually didn't get hard with 75% of women but the 25% got him rock hard.... When he found those he pursed them because B*T*Hes were the best. His method sounded chaotic, but as I looked back on it was strategically planned to see what I would put up with and how much he could disrespect me.
  • His friends that are nice don't get any woman, but those that were disrespectful and rude did. It wasn't fair that he had to be like that to get women because he really was a nice guy. 
  • He made a promise that he would treat 'the one' like a lady
  • He made a comments to make me feel I was being rude to him if I said something he didn't like
  • He made a comment about dropping a woman off at Niagra if she didn't please him
  • He made more promises about how he would treat the 'right' one
  • He mixed compliments with rude disrespectful behaviour 
  • He talked fast and pushed the conversation to where he wanted it, which in this instance ended with his happy ending....
He obviously has a huge mommy issue. I asked if he was talking on his cell while driving and if so I'd let him go. He got angry and accused me of mothering him and he didn't need a mother, how dare I? He was an educated man who could do what he wanted.

I wanted to see where this would go, mainly cause I was bored and attention is attention after all.... He came up with some fantasy that I agreed to be a part of and he kept going on about how I was one of the special ones because he usually didn't feel so turned on so fast. Using the you're special line. Except how special is someone who you don't know and doesn't care at all about you or whether or not they are special to you?

In the end he came.... They usually always do.... But he screamed out that he hated me as he did.... At first I thought that very odd, but I guess it's better than the whole I love you thing.... Cause how could he either love or hate me? I mean I don't know the guy, he's a voice on the other end of the phone....
The conversation ended and I went on with my day without a second thought about the kid who wanted to enact some stupid fantasy to get his rocks off.... Then he emailed me....

Basically he was taunting me telling me how stupid I was for letting him disrespect me and that if I'd been a lady I'd of hung up the phone. He's right. However, I never claimed to be a lady. I never once said I lived in the land of should and I don't apologize for it.

Here's his last email to me after I said I was a writer researching abusers and predators in the online dating world:

LOL I wrote the book. Easy Women on POF. I did nothing but disrespect you cause you portrayed yourself as such. Obviously this is no way to talk to a lady. A lady don’t talk about threesomes. She hang up the phone. I had no respect for you and you still talked to me. I love it. I slept with exactly 303 women. It’s really high I know. I’m clean get checked. 250 in real life the rest on pof. nothing but single moms looking for love and usuing sex to get it. LOL. I love life. you are stupid. Trust me you even know it. 

Maybe I am stupid. I want to shine a light on online predators, how they talk, how they manipulate, and how they sucker women in. Maybe this guy did get a good laugh, but who is sadder? Me? Him? 

Who feels the need to use mothers the way he does, to make fools of them? What did his mother do to him to make him feel better by making others feel bad? I have love in my life. He doesn't and probably never will considering how many empty experiences he's had trying to make himself feel better by hurting single mothers. 

I knew that he wasn't a 40 year old doctor the minute he opened his mouth on the phone. Educated people talk a certain way. Older men's voices are rougher and richer. Words are my domain and how someone speaks says a lot about them. I knew he wasn't who he'd claimed to be before he let the cat out of the bag. 

What I find sad is that he finds so much pleasure in making single mothers feel terrible. 

How does his joke, game, immaturity effect my life? They don't.... They just give me more material for this blog and my book... Cause every abuser, predator, etc is going into those pages so that others can study how they talk, think, and use their words to manipulate others. 

Even with my eyes wide open I can be pulled in to the manipulations of a predator.... I can just picture Marc having a good laugh at my expense.... That would effect me.... I know that he isn't who he claimed to be. I know that he isn't the man behind the words... I fell for words.... Words on a screen.... The man who wrote those words is nobody.... Still, I hope I would have meant at least a little something to him. 

Monday, 25 August 2014

Bad Date -- It isn't a Funny Story, Why are you Laughing?

I went on a date with this guy I've been talking to for a bit through messages, then texts, then on the phone... Seemed like a nice enough guy. Smart etc. I was looking forward to meeting him finally and having a drink or two.

Well.... His first question was why did I become a writer.

The answer has to do with meeting a survivor of a war in the nineties. His story touched me as it was one of survival during a very difficult time. He survived starvation, a long trek through the wilderness, wild animals, sickness, gunfire and bomb attacks. In no way was this man's story funny, it was tragic and inspirational.

As I related this story to my date he laughed and made jokes about animals growing big and fat that year. He laughed at my story line and the plot of my novel. My work. My creative expression.

I get that tragic serious stories can make some people uncomfortable, but to make jokes? To laugh at the plot and make fun of it?

He never called or contacted me after that date .... And I was relieved.

Saturday, 16 August 2014

Can I Stop Being A Submissive Woman?

I've come to terms with being a submissive woman. That doesn't mean I want to be one. However, the question is, can I change?

Can I have normal desires? Or must I always be controlled by a dominant man to feel that rush of lust?

I know that those within the dominant / submissive lifestyle will say that there is nothing wrong with being a submissive... However, that is not my experience. How is constantly seeing to the desires and wants of someone else who constantly tests your love for them is good? It only reinforces my belief that I'm not good enough. How is allowing someone to treat you like an object, a toy, a thing, is a good thing? I end up feeling used, uncared for, and unlovable. It only confirms my belief that I don't deserve to be loved.

I need more than any dominant man is willing to give me... I need to be loved for me... I need to matter... I need to feel protected, cared for, cherished, and loved. However, these are not traits I've seen in any of the Dominant men I've met. They are all too selfish and caught up in an ideal game that they cannot see me, support me, or love me. I am nothing to them.

I just don't seem to get it right. I'm not a good enough submissive for dominant men. I try, I try my best but it's never good enough to get what I really need in return, and it's not some stupid orgasm.... That's all they seem to have to offer me.... That's all they think I'm good for....

They are very willing to try to convince me they are better then anyone else out there. That they can give me what I need. That they are not abusers. That they are the real thing and treat their subs with the respect they deserve, they care for them, protect them, and give them what they need.... Right up until they get what they want.... Then they turn. Turn ugly. Say mean things to me. Make demands of me with no regard for what I want or who I really am. They toss me aside like I'm nothing to them, but demand that they be everything to me. I am left alone... Ignored... Until they want to play again and if I say I'm busy or NO... Then suddenly I'm not submissive enough for them.

After talking with submissive women, and submissive men, I am firmly of the belief that they are so beaten down they think they deserve to be treated badly. That they have to be treated a certain way in order to be accepted, in order to get any attention, to be cared for.

When a man is kind to me, does extra nice things, I feel bad about myself to the point that I want to cry.   That is so 'not' a normal response. Why shouldn't I deserve to be treated with kindness, care, and generosity? Why does a kind man make me hurt emotionally to the point of tears?

When a man is mean, puts me down, and ignores me, I feel bad, but a comfortable bad. It's like I feel better, calmer, normal, by feeling small, weak, and insignificant. I don't feel like crying. I don't hurt emotionally like I do when someone is nice to me. I feel normal in my self loathing. I firmly believe I don't deserve any better. I just want to sit in a corner and hide. When a dominant man tells me I've got to do better, I try harder to please him, knowing I won't please him. Knowing I don't matter.

I don't want to be this person. I want to be my other self.... My strong, independent, intelligent self. Why can't I matter? Why can't I feel that I deserve to be loved? How can I change my mind set?

I wish I knew the answers. I wish it was easy to get my heart to believe what my head keeps telling it. I wish that at my core I was not a submissive woman. I wish I was a kick butt woman.

Online Date Site Review - POF

Plenty of Fish ... An apt name for a dating site.

I've met a few guys in the real world off the Plenty of Fish website. It's free to join and as a result has a large selection of available men and women. The search default is local profiles. I rarely ever received a message from someone who wasn't from my local area.

Those members who are online are identified making it easy to know if the person you are interested in talking to is online or not.

Matching isn't the best on POF. There is a questionnaire to fill out, which is supposed to help with suggested matches and provides a very generalized horoscope type report about the person and their relationship needs. Very long and boring, not something I read all the way through for myself, let alone a potential date.

Most of the guys were looking to hook up or just chat forever. Some started out respectful but soon became very inappropriate horny boys looking for online interaction to jerk off to. They pretended to care about who I am but really their questions about how I am or what I am up to were just polite conversation.

The odd quality guy does pop up on the site.... but you have to be a certain image or person to attract them.... and they don't stay on the site for long.... There are so few respectful, successful men looking for a real relationship that they are quickly scoped up.

Most profiles are not very well put together. The photos are terrible, the write ups sparse or rambling. The site does offer tips and a video of how to create the best profile, but few actually follow their advice. If you read women's profiles you can tell they are tired of receiving rude messages and inappropriate requests. Men's profiles usually request that you have images if you're going to contact them.

Plenty of Fish is a catalog of profiles. It's the meat market in print. How one looks is of utmost importance. It works well for young, good looking, successful people.... If a person is not photogenic or is flawed in some way physically, they can be ignored or rejected quite easily.

The messaging system is archaic. It's email like and it is hard to chat online with anyone. There is no IM feature and you have to refresh the page to see if you received a response back. It makes it very hard to have a conversation with someone...

The nice feature of the Plenty of Fish message system is it's filters.... Any dirty talk in a message stops it from being sent to a recipient... well unless they sender uses *@*^ characters or spaces between letters.  Still it's the only site I've come across where they are trying to weed out the smut talking idiots.

Any photos or messages that are inappropriate result in the whole profile being deleted. They are at least trying to keep their site respectable.

I've met people in the real world who found love on Plenty of Fish. Some found someone right away, while others, took a lot longer. Being a free site, it has a huge selection of men and women to chose from.

Have you tried Plenty of Fish in your search for love? Did you find love? What was your opinion about the site? Leave your comments...

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Update - Single Life is Great!

I mentioned I have been busy... too busy to write.... Which since I'm trying to launch myself as a writer is not a good thing. However, my life has become so wonderful there is no doubt in my mind that there is a God and he is watching out for me, protecting me, and providing for me.

In June I was travelling from one end of the continent to the other for work because I was offered a promotion, which of course I accepted. The better money has enabled me to find a better place and the timing couldn't have been better as my lease was coming to an end. I found a much better rental and it feels like a home where both my children can live with me... I'm still sleeping on the couch, but who needs a room....

My son travelled to Africa and I was busy trying to settle the details and find the last of the money and guess what... $700 arrived in the mail from the tax man of all people. It was enough to get the supplies so he could go.

I filed court papers... and then put the case aside because yes, once again I allowed my ex to manipulate and bully me into doing things his way.... I did get an $100 a month out of him.

I don't trust the courts. I don't trust him. I am trusting in God.... an entity I know is there I just can't see. Maybe I'm nuts, but with the way my situation has been turning around lately, I don't think rushing into court may be in my best interest... His income has slid in the last year and a half, whereas mine has doubled. Add that to the fact that my son isn't living predominately with me yet, I don't want to end up paying him child support or having the courts say that I have to force my daughter to go there 50% of the time....

That's my logic anyway....

So as you can see my life has been getting better every time I turn around.

My son even mentioned that I'm looking younger and happier than before, while my ex is looking tired and older.  I'll take that thanks....

I'm happy. My life is drama free for the most part. I'm healing and finding out more about why I have attracted and gravitated towards abusive men.... I need to understand this deep need I seem to have to be controlled by others and then hopefully I can break it and find a new path.....

Sunday, 27 July 2014

Men on Online Dating sites Erode Women's Self Esteem

It's been almost a month since I've posted anything and so much has happened.... I've been so busy but I'll post more about that later.

I am taking a break from online dating. Considering this is supposed to be an exercise in online dating, why am I taking an extended break? Because, I'm finding that the way men talk to me online is eroding my self esteem, which was low to begin with.

Guys who talk smut online with women are looking to get a need filled, what they don't realize is what it does to a woman. Well, if they do know they don't care. I am of the belief that men just don't care about how their need to get their rocks off ruins woman's self esteem. Most men are too selfish to care if their words or actions hurt a woman... As long as they are getting what they want then hey, what's the harm?

The harm.... As I am discovering, talking smut to a women causes them to feel that's all they are good for. That who they are doesn't matter and they are not deserving of love. Those woman who are smart enough to shut these jerks down keep their self esteem intact and find real love because they find that odd 'Good' guy who will respect them, cherish them, protect them, and love them.

Those women who engage these horny jerks only confirm to themselves that they aren't worthy of love or respect. In the last seven months I have talked online with hundreds of men and allowed them to talk to me in whatever matter they deemed appropriate.... most went directly to sex... Especially the dominant men.

Dominant men seem to gravitate to my profile. Their sexual questions and comments have done nothing but destroy me. They have only confirmed what I already believed... They only care about themselves and don't care about the woman they want to dominate. How she feels or how she feels about herself doesn't matter at all. They spill out lie after lie and empty promises to get what they want and then humiliate, ignore, or grind the woman down.

I believe the books 50 shades of grey and those written on that topic are dangerous for woman who have been abused by men in the past. Women who don't love themselves enough to demand a man treat them right. Or women who are lonely and just want someone to love them.

Seven months in the meat market of Online Dating with the large portion of Dominant men finding their way into my message box is long enough for now.... I am miserable. I am beginning to hate myself and see myself as unworthy of love, respect, or care..... The reason... Men only want to pound me and few care anything about me, my life, my situation, or my struggles....

I have survived enough abuse in my life... Recently, I have put more space between me and my abusers,  however, I'm finding that men online are only more than willing to replace them.

Maybe men don't understand how talking smut and looking at women like pieces of meat  to pound results in their self hatred... hurt... and depression.... Or maybe they do know and they just don't care.

Monday, 30 June 2014

Being Single Changes Outlook

As a married woman I never considered things like going on vacation alone, partying or getting a tattoo. Now that I am single I find myself considering things I never would have considered just six months ago. Like getting a Tattoo... Not that I know what I would even get.

Since becoming single I have started drinking more, smoked the odd cigarette, invited a man into my home for adult fun, and started acting like I did when I was 20 years old. All of which I thought were insane things for any woman out there to do. Especially one that was 40 years old.

My narrow view point of morality is changing.

Sunday, 29 June 2014

Single at a Wedding

I went to my brother’s wedding last weekend. It was amazing. The run up was disorganized mess and I thought my parents were going to loose their minds with the irrational details that were coming at them right up to 15 minutes before the Bride was supposed to be walking down the aisle. However, like with most disorganized Bride’s she was thankfully late and everyone had time to get ready. 

The wedding was perfect. They had picked a gorgeous setting over looking the lake our family has been vacationing at for generations and an old rustic community hall, which fit their rustic design theme perfectly. 

I took pictures of the preparations, the decorative details everyone had spent so much time on, and the guests as they enjoyed the day. These photos’ were my gift to them, well that and over $100 of David’s tea products. Once the ceremony started everything fell into place and everyone had a good time playing games, visiting, and of course drinking. I knew very few people outside of family members there. My brother has a good group of friends whom love him and know how to party.

For me the event was bitter in a few ways. 

First, I’m in the middle of a divorce and had just served my ex with court papers. He went ballistic and things between us are worse than ever. My kids were with me and they were mixed on whether they wanted to stay or go back and stay with their dad while I went away for work and a much needed holiday. The kids were feeling the hurt just as much as I was and their frowns and upset faces touched me deeply. 

Second, would be the day before the festivities I was reading the guest list, and thankfully I read it before the wedding because they had invited my uncle. My uncle who started my sexual issues when I was two. Usually, my mother lets me know when he’ll be around and I can mentally prepare myself. Yes, I do go to visit with my aunt when he is at their cabin, however, I have mentally prepared myself for the encounter. This time it felt like my brother had stabbed me in the side. 

Third, I said hello to my brother five or more times and did not get one hello back, not even an acknowledgement. Now he was stressed, it was his wedding after all.... However, I also didn’t get a good bye when everyone was saying good bye to me when I had to leave right after they opened my gift. 

Fourth, my kids were upset because of the way my parents were treating me and I had to manage their expectations. It was my brother’s wedding, everyone was stressed and the way they usually talk to me was amplified.  

Weddings for a single person are bitter sweet. I mean I am happy for my brother, I had fun with my cousins, and I was able to add some amazing pictures to my photography portfolio, however, it is a celebration of love. His life with the woman he loves is being cemented, just as my marriage is finishing. Their friends are mostly all married and in love.... I was one of the few single people in the place. 

My eyes were draining a lot through out the day, mostly because I was happy for my brother, but a bit because I was sad about my life. Yet, being single does have it’s benefits, even at a wedding. I didn’t have to keep my ex husband happy and listen to him go on and on about how unfair my family is and how my brother is a jerk. I was able to enjoy time with my family with minimal negativity. Once I got my kids to see things differently and I mentally prepared for being face to face with my uncle, that is.

The day was about my brother and his beautiful wife, just as it should be, and I am very happy for them. 

Saturday, 28 June 2014

Lonely in a Crowd

Being single is lonely, however it does have it’s benefits. I haven’t gone on a vacation alone in twenty years. I just returned to the last place I travelled alone -- Montreal Quebec Canada. It is like I am starting over from that time in my life. 

Although, I am not able to handle the heat nearly as well as I used to and I am not able to walk as far as I could in the past, it is the great to be here. I stop when I want to rest, I go where I want to go, I do what I want to do, I eat when and where I want to, all without having to consider anyone else in my decisions. No one to push me to go further than I can physically handle, no one to question the price of something I want to do, ie museum admission. I do what moves me at the time. 

However, it can be extremely lonely as well. I’ve been spending time in huge crowds, be it at the Jazz Festival location or in the Old Montreal site. I know no one in the crowds. I do not know how to meet anyone for longer than a 5 minute conversation. I see couples holding hands, arms around each other, and even the odd one kiss. I watch as families with young children take in the ambiance and history. I notice wedding parties having their pictures taken and friends enjoying a meal together.... I feel alone in the world amongst the crowds.

In these crowds I can see examples of love, connectedness, and camaraderie.

A group of older people were looking for a place to sit at the Jazz Festival and I offered the women my spot, the husband was so grateful and insisted I sit with the women. I could see from the look on his face that his concern was solely for his wife and her sister. He was so happy that they had somewhere to rest. The love for them was obvious.  

While in a gallery I overheard a man telling the gallery owner how much his wife loves horses, why she loves them, which art would appeal to her and which would not. He understood his wife and her taste. He spoke with a tinge of pride in his voice and I couldn’t help but step up and tell him how impressed I was by it. His wife came from another part of the gallery and I mentioned how lucky she was to have a man who knew her so well and was proud to have her as his own. 

That’s what we all want after all. Someone who will know us, see us for who we are and love us anyway. A person who will put us first in their lives and hold us up as something special. We just want to be loved unconditionally. 

We want someone to hold our hand, give us a kiss, hold us when we feel sad and make everything feel better. Someone who will make life worth living.... 

I am currently watching a young beautiful Asian couple with two photographers taking photos of them being sweet to each other, kissing each other, looking at each other with love. In odd poses and fake smiles. OK this is completely staged and very weird. I enjoy taking photos of people in the moment, being real, being themselves. This photo shoot is kind of odd... people are obliviously walking into their shot and getting in the way of the couple and the photos.... Now they are walking away from me without touching and a wide space between them that wasn’t there before.... Like I said Faked....

Hollywood movie romance is like that -- fake.  The real thing is the man who knows his wife’s tastes. The young couple holding hands as they walk by oblivious to everything but each other. The family with young children taking pics of their vacation. We give up on the common every day love for the promise of hollywood’s love at first sight version too easily.  

I would love to meet someone. A man. A real man who would show me around his Montreal and make this trip extra special. The train I took to get here went right through Marc's town.... Not that it matters, he hasn't taken one second to read an email letting him know I'm here, if he had he probably would have a million excuses to not come meet me. That would be harder on me. I hate feeling rejected and tossed aside by him... A man I don't even know.... I shouldn't let whether he likes me or not effect my self esteem, but it does. 

Friday, 6 June 2014

Are Dominant Men are Cold and Cruel?

When Dominant men start to play, they turn down the thermostat of their words, feelings, and attitude. When I first start talking with a Dominant man he is kind, warm, and interesting. Then he starts in with questions about my past sexual experiences, sexual fantasies, and so forth, which on the surface seems intimate. It's anything but.

It's about control, knowing how to move my desire, and build a wall around him. I think we're having an intimate conversation, we're not, it's a distraction so I won't notice the wall that protects him. Intimacy is about getting to know someone, getting inside them, and learning about who they are, not just sex. When the guy finally transforms to full on dominant he is cold, calculating, and cruel. His words are sharp and cut deep with the full purpose of making me hate myself.

Except they tell me it's only play. I should be able to separate the two, I should be able to have a strong enough self esteem to not care about the words. Certain words yes. I can in the moment ignore as pretend, but when they try to use these words in emails, IMs, etc sometimes they can go too far.

I have a lot of emotional pain, a lot of lies that I believe, it is sometimes hard for me to know what is truth and what is pretend. Men make me feel like the only thing I'm good for is sex... both dominant and non dominant men only want to have sex with me. None have wanted to get to know me. All the pressure to have sex and the sex talk only leaves me feeling worse about myself. One man told me that I should know that I'm better than just sex, I'm good for cleaning up and cooking too.... I almost cried.

My ex tells me that men only want me for my tits. My son told me that I shouldn't be picky because I'm a forty year old, overweight, housewife, with a two kids, a crappy job and I live in a basement suite. In other words, I have nothing to offer a man.

It's the cruel words Dominant men use to humiliate and degrade that hurt. They are supposed to make you want to please them. It works. It works because you feel you are so terrible you don't deserve better and you just want someone to love you. Many, like me, are imprinted to view being controlled, pushed around, belittled, as love. The niceties other men give us, all those great compliments, make us feel uncomfortable, unworthy, and lied to. We are abused and are only comfortable with being abused.

A few men I've talked to were abusive jerks with very little intelligence and I usually ended up laughing at them from my end of the computer screen. Yes, that's mean, but how they view women is so far from the reality of who we are, it's laughable. These men are looking for vulnerable, desperate, weak women with no self esteem. They want to control a woman 24/7 and basically almost think for her. They are the extreme of my ex husband. I would not classify them as true dominants, but rather controlling selfish abusers, who can't truly care for a woman because they see them only as property to humiliate and degrade all the time. 

Some men have been very normal and friendly in the real world. Interesting, smart, successful, and even thoughtful. However, the minute the game starts they change dramatically. This is the type of man I like to play with, as long as the play is only in the bedroom and the rest of our correspondence is normal, real, and respectful. As long as he is only a cold hearted jerk in play and a loving kind protector when finished. This is a hard man to find. 

Marc, the first dominant man to find me, the only one to possess me, is like two different people. At first he was this interesting, kind, thoughtful man. Then he became Master and that person was cold, unfeeling, hurtful with his words. Then Marc would periodically come back to say wonderful things about me, my character, my looks, my mind. He did this to keep me on his hook, to play with me, make me think he cared. He knew exactly what to say to make me feel good about myself and he did help me through the storm of my separation.  The only problem was, he'd disappear for weeks, pulling further and further away until I couldn't see him anymore. Until I'd had enough of being ignored and walked away. 

I am two different people. In the real world I am a self assured, confident woman. Deep underneath that though is a submissive, hurting woman with a low self esteem. Both are compartmentalized away from each other and I don't even know how to access the weaker wounded one intentionally. 

I believe most dominant men have two identities also. They have a mask that they wear when they play that hides their real selves, their vulnerable selves. Finding men who want to play a dominant role in the bedroom is easy.  Finding the one with the right mixture of cold, warm, and hot is proving to be a challenge. 

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Thinking of Getting the Boobs cut OFF!

I met a successful man for drinks and thought things were going well. I'd dressed in a baggy top, no cleavage, and jeans. Nothing provocative or sexy... I wanted a conversation not another letch fest....

The first few drinks were good, he was a very interesting man. After a few drinks his focus was impaired by his smaller head and he couldn't focus on the conversation. Then he started getting braver and commenting on my shirt and how my boobs looked. Did I mention it was a t-shirt type material with one of those cover up type jackets that just hang off you....

Soon I was grabbing his hands to keep them off my boobs and it ended the date on a bad note.

On the weekend I conducted an experiment... no surprise with the results because men are men and I've had similar results in the past.

In my profile I was very clear about my IQ being larger than my ample chest and that I was not interested in men being rude, asking for hook ups, etc.... I even said I wasn't a free prostitute or porn star. I was clear and blunt.

I then posted a pic of me with my cleavage...

Within minutes I had over ten messages....

This let me know right away what these guys were about...

The difference, in the past I'd received rude comments about my size, what they wanted to do with my tits and asking how big they are... This time I didn't get any rude comments but lots of hellos and how are yous....

Should I use what assets God has given me to attract men with perverted thoughts on their mind or schedule an appointment with a cosmetic surgeon to get them reduced... They are big enough I could get medical to cover the reduction.... but that would ruin my bodies balance.... I have a perfect hour glass figure with a 10" difference between my waist and hips/chest.  Whether I'm 70 lbs lighter or overweight my measurements always have the 10" differential.

Some men told me to find non boob men to talk to.... they exist?

It's not that I have a problem with causing men's desire to stir, it's just I'd rather do it at appropriate times and when I mean to do it. Not just because I talk to them.... I want a man who can see me for me, my mind, my ideas, my talents, my heart, and my values.... Not my pretty face, my eyes, and especially not for my breasts....

Sunday, 18 May 2014

My Daughter does NOT want me to Date

My daughter had a melt down yesterday when we were on her way to her dad's where she was going to stay while I went to a friends place in Vancouver. I didn't understand why she was freaking out until she said, I know more than you think I do.

I immediately stopped my car on the side of the road and asked her what she was talking about.... Well she didn't believe that I was just going to hang out with Dani, so while I was in the shower she went into my room grabbed my computer and went through my emails to find out what I was up to. NOT good... Yes I know I should have closed out my user profile before shutting off my computer. In my defence, she never uses my computer without asking first and I was in a hurry.  Not good enough, I still should have shut my user name off automatically.

She read the latest email from Marc and although it wasn't sexually explicit and told me wonderful things he thought about me that were not sexual, he still called me his whore and that is NOT what any mother wants their daughter to read about them. I can understand how she was scared, one I'd lied to her about what I was really doing and two, she'd read emails that were not for her eyes.

There were lots of tears and apologies. I told her I was sorry for emailing the adult content words I had been emailing and that I was not planning on having sex with my dates that weekend, but yes I was dating.

Considering how much fear I put into her about talking online to people she didn't know and the dangers of doing stupid things, like sending pictures of herself.... she was freaking out about my safety. A long conversation and tears on my part going over my fears of being alone and no one wanting to date me. I explained that I was stupid to be playing adult email sex games, but I found it therapeutic due to issues I had.

She kept saying that she only had one childhood and we've ruined it by getting divorced and then talking to other people. While explaining my actions I told her more about how my childhood was ruined at the age of two and the effects it has had, which is the reasons for the types of words in my emails and how I don't want her to feel the way I do. I want her to be happy and innocent, however, she is twelve and that innocence is starting to be eroded by media, friends, and unfortunately, me. I wish she never saw what she read and I wish I had been more careful...

We talked about her fears, my fears, and what she read. We talked about how I would not be going back to her dad and she agreed that she didn't want me to be with him. By the end of our conversation she was encouraging me to go on dates and find someone to spend time with. She wasn't afraid anymore, wanted me to be happy and understood my fears. We started talking more about what was acceptable and what wasn't.

I cancelled four dates and I'm going to spend the rest of the long weekend with her. I hope to fix some damage and be as honest as I can be with her about adult dating. I need to try to quell her fears and start behaving like an adult and not an insecure little teenager.


Before my last date I told my daughter where I was going and what I was doing. We talked briefly and she was alright with the idea by the time I left. Later she told me that she didn't worry about me and was a lot more calmer than the times I told her I was going out to meet a friend or just going out for a drink.... That tells me I've done the right thing....

The Letch

My date today went from being some what interesting to a complete letch who wouldn't respect my boundaries and refused to acknowledge my discomfort. Some touching I'm ok with on a date in public, hold my hand, put an arm around me, or a quick kiss. This guy took public displays of affection to a new level and when I would pull away or say I needed space he'd be back into my personal space within moments.

I realize my role here... I was not forceful enough and should have just walked away. Reasons I didn't... same as always, some guy was paying attention to me and making me feel wanted. That is huge for me but it doesn't mean it leaves me feeling good about myself or what happened. I didn't realize how bad I felt until after he left and my stomach revolted against me. I'm still feeling ill more than twelve hours later. 

I have no boundaries, never have, they were destroyed at a very young age and I am still trying hard to build them. My upbringing trained me to put men first, to see their needs as more important, to see them as more important. It's not that my mother meant that to be the lesson she taught, it just was. She would then be horrified if I didn't stand up against a man or slept with one. I would be berated and labelled 'bad' because I didn't stand up for myself and demand respect. These mixed messages in my teens left me as two separate people and I'm never sure which one will show up on the date. 

Today the kick ass bitch started the date, but this guy slammed right through that facade to bring out the weaker easily manipulated wounded me. This me doesn't have the skills to protect herself from unacceptable advances. This me has no self respect and men can pick up on that because she has no clear boundaries. She doesn't follow the kick ass bitch's rules because the feel of being with a man is so comforting and nice. Yet, men scare the living daylights out of her because all they've done is use and abuse her. That girl needs to stay in her box. 

I don't like that weak, broken, hurting, insecure part of me. I try to keep her boxed up behind a wall, but this letch kept coming until he broke the wall and then there were no boundaries left. He did what he wanted and kept trying to 'sell me' on more. I was finally able to get him to leave, but only because I said I was meeting a friend. At first he wanted to escort me to her place. When I said she was meeting me there, he wanted to wait with me... there was no friend, no car, no way to get away. Finally, he left and I walked to the closest coffee shop to wait until following and jumping on the next train home. 

What lesson did I learn? Have an escape plan. Have a way out of the situation. Do not allow the kick ass bitch to be trampled down just because he's confident, persistent, and forceful. I have too much to learn and too much to build up. It's not an easy process but I'll get there.

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Online Dating Profiles - Good, Bad, & Ugly.

I spend too much time reading online dating profiles, most of which are terrible. Here are some tips on how to market yourself better in a profile. 

1. The first two sentences. 

The amount of profiles that start off, I don't know what to write here, I'm new to this online dating thing, or my personal favourite - Just ask.  These sentences are not good openers. 

Your first two sentences have to 'hook' the reader and draw them in so make sure they sound confident and tell the prospective date why he or she should contact you. Who you are, who you're looking for. 

Some examples of decent starts are: 

I am easy going and down to earth. Would love to find someone the same. Nice conversation would be wonderful and a lot of laughter.I enjoy travel, a warm beach with an umbrella drink. 

Looking for friends and activity partners. Wanting to try some new adventures this spring, any ideas? Right now doing some martial arts, gym, jogging.

I have been an outdoors person all my life and I love being around water... whether ocean or lake. I would like to meet someone to laugh with and get to know without any pressures of things becoming too serious.

2. The Headline.

Most dating sites allow for a headline to your profile. Some I've seen are terrible, for example here are some bad headlines from a popular dating site.:

...........    -This says you're too lazy or not intelligent enough to come up with something.

Seeing whats out here...   - This says you aren't serious about meeting someone, maybe even married.
Ready to run   - Not sure where this guy is running off to.
insearch of soulemate   - Make sure you can spell soulmate if you're looking for one.
Looking for chemistry   - This says hey I just want sex...

Some Good Examples are:

Looking for a fun smart lady  -  Tell them what you are looking for
UEFA not UFC. Violins not violence. Wine not whine  - Show what type of person you are
Lets get out and play....even in the rain - Say what you like to do
Leonard looking for Penny -  Use Pop Culture to say who you are and what you want

3. The Profile.

Do not leave this section blank or write that you'll get to it later. The point is to tell people who you are and why they should either contact you or respond to you, use it. Write three sections and break each into small paragraphs with lots of white space. 

Section 1. Who you are looking for. 
Describe the person you are looking for. There are many ways to do this, use your personality. If you consider yourself funny, use humour. If you consider yourself serious, be serious. If you consider yourself educated, use big words. Just be you.

Section 2. Who are you. 
Describe those features that best describe you. Those things you want people to like about you or know you for. What are your values, your likes, your personality, your belief system. Once again inject your personality into your words. Flirt and be creative. Whatever you do don't write - I don't know what you..... Really? You are you, be proud of that and tell the world who you are.

Section 3. What are you looking for. 
Are you looking for casual or serious? Do you just want to date or do you want a long term relationship? Describe what you believe a relationship is and how each person should be. Do you like big romantic gestures? Or is coffee being made for you in the morning enough? Do you want equality in a relationship or traditional gender roles? What strengths do you bring to a relationship? 

Make sure the way you fill out each section reflects your personality.  Use one of the following formats or make up your own if you are unique!

1. Point form. Make a list written in point form to communicate what you value in a partner.
2. Story. Tell a story about what you want a partner to be like in a certain situation
3. Paragraph. Write a short concise paragraph outlining exactly what you are looking for. 

4. Photos

Photos are the most important part of online dating profiles because we are all shallow and looking for someone we are attracted to, so make sure your photos are good. 

Most women profiles show that they put some thought and care into their pics because they realize how they look matters to men. On the other hand, men don't seem to understand that how they look does matter to women. 

Your main profile pic should show just your face... no friends, no exotic place behind you, no relatives, no kids... Make sure it's a good pic of your face. Not photogenic? Well put some effort into yourself, hair, face, clothes, and get someone who knows what they are doing to take pics of you when you aren't trying to pose for them. The best pics are the ones that are taken when you are relaxed and don't know someone snapped the picture. 

Other pics... Do not in anyway put up a pic of you with someone of the opposite sex. I don't care if it's your best friend, your sibling, your long lost cousin... The prospective date won't know and will assume that it's an ex. Pics of you with friends is great as a group shot, not just two people getting a close up. However, your friends may not want to be on your online dating profile, so maybe blur out their faces. 

Pics with kids... I'm mixed here. On one hand I want to see that you are a good parent, on the other, I don't think images of kids belong on a dating profile. This one is mixed.

I spend my time looking at guys profiles and men, I got to tell you something... Start thinking about what women will think is cool and not what your guy friends do. If you want a woman who will go dirt biking with you, by all means put up picks of your dirt bike. If you want a woman who will fish, then fishing picks are perfect. However, I don't know a lot of women who like to spend their time getting dirty or waiting around for a fish to bite. 

Then there are pics of men and their toys... Yes some women are all about the flash and the toys. If that's the kind of woman you want to attract, by all means keep posting them. If you want a woman who likes you for who you are and not what you have, leave the toys at home until you know she likes you for you... Then spring them on her. 

Put up pics of you doing things you'd want a woman to do with you. If dirt biking is a guys only activity for you, don't advertise it. Think about your profile from the opposite sex's point of view. Can't do that? Ask a friend of the opposite sex to tell you what they think your profile is saying about you.

Men shirts off, women all cleavage. What do these pictures say to you? If you are looking for hook ups and casual sex, these photos will communicate that. If you are not, well maybe cover up. 

Make sure there is a full body pic, even if you know your body isn't fabulous.... why waste time getting to know someone who won't appreciate you for all of you? Hiding your body is only going to make others suspicious about what it is your hiding and when you meet in the real world, they are not going to stick around because they'll feel duped. No they won't like you once they get to know you, because they won't stick around long enough to get to know you. 

I'm overweight and I've got huge breasts. When I had my full body pic up I received lots of rude comments asking to see them uncovered, asking how big they are, etc. I finally just wrote a note on the pic saying don't be rude and just deleted the rude messages because I didn't want to meet those guys in the real world. I still get messages from men who like what they see, good looking men, hot fit men, I can't explain it, but some 'hot' guys like soft curvy women. Don't sell yourself short. The guys that are hung up on weight, you don't want to meet them in the real world because you will have very little in common. 

Make sure your photos show what kind of person you are. Are you professional? casual? fun? flirty? sexy? slutty? upper crust? or down to earth? All your photos should show you at your best and tell the full story about who you are. Make sure you have a pic of you the clothes you wear to work, in clothes you wear out on a date, clothes you wear around the house.... Just make sure they are all good photos. 

Think about how you analyze an online dating profile. Chances are someone is looking at yours the exact same way.

Monday, 12 May 2014

Can A Dominant Man Love his Submissive Woman?

This is one question I struggle to find an answer to. From an outsiders perspective it's hard to see how dominating a person, controlling them, is an act of love. I recently talked face to face with a dominant man and asked him the question, his answer was, 'Of course I do.'  I still found it very hard to believe him.  After all, the only way he's intimate with his submissive is to spank, belt, whip, and cane her. He knows she doesn't enjoy the pain, but she takes it to please him, to show her love for him. That is what pleases him. In my mind I was thinking, she endures a beating that leaves bruises to prove her love, but what the  **** does he endure to prove his?

Most dominant men I ask the 'love' question to tell me they do love. However, it isn't as an equal or even as a person. They love their submissive like the do a toy, an object, a possession, their most valuable possession. Last I checked in this materialistic world possessions are easily replaceable. There is always a newer, better, model that comes out. Yes, vanilla men also will trade up, discarding their old wives for a trophy one, a younger one, a better one... But are those men capable of real love anymore than the dominant one?

What is love?

There is the crux of the original question. What is the definition of love? There are so many different opinions on the subject. Hollywood has romanced the idea of love into a chemical reaction, an obsession with another person. Fairy tales made love out to be an instant spark that would make everyone happy who felt it. But is this romanced version of love real? I for one don't think so. It's not love, but lust gift wrapped and sold off to young impressionable girls as love. It makes it easier for boys and men to pray on the weaker sex to get what they want - a night of passionate sex.

One movie, Original Sin, asked the question, what is the difference between lust and love? The answer was: When you lust for someone you want to take everything from them, when you love someone you want to give them everything.

Poetry is full of definitions of love. I quoted Shakespeare as a theme for my wedding: Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds, it is an ever fixed mark. Quite a fitting quote considering my marriage ended up toxic and unloving. So now that I no longer love my ex, does that mean I never did? Did any poet fully understand love?

As a mother I love my children. I would do anything to protect them. I sacrifice my own wants and needs to fulfill theirs. I make sure they have everything even if I go without. Is that love? I could never physically hit them to the point of leaving bruises. If they are in pain, I am in pain. If I hurt them, and I sometimes do, I feel regret, pain, guilt.

The Bible has a lot to say about love.  Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonour others. It is not self seeking. It is not easily angered. It does not keep any record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. The Bible also tells wives to submit to their husbands and for husbands to die (sacrifice) for their wives.

The dominant men I have talked to readily admit they are selfish to the core. That the arrangement is about the submissive giving everything without expectation of reciprocation. They admit freely that they only take and still they claim to love their submissive. I find that hard to believe. I may be jaded from my controlling abusive marriage, but I still can't see how a dominant man can truly love another person. Love is a selfless act, one their own submissives portray to them everyday through enduring pain, sacrificing their own wants, and putting the desires of the dominant ahead of their own. Seeing love demonstrated by their submissive, how can they even think they feel love?

I have never been in a dominant/submissive relationship. I have only talked with dominant men and Marc has yet to actually show up in my life, even then the man will never love me. I am a submissive woman, not a dominant male, so I cannot in anyway speak for them. However, as an observer I have an opinion, as I've expressed here, but it is hardly the answer I seek, the answer I hope desperately for.

Do dominant men abuse submissive women?

Sunday, 11 May 2014

Happy Mother's Day To All Mother's.

I spent yesterday with my ex and my kids celebrating mother's day and now I'm alone today as they celebrate with his mother. I miss my kids when they are not with me but it gives me time to do all those things I didn't have time to do before.... Like sew myself some clothes that actually fit... Go for a walk in the sunshine and watch movies I missed seeing over the years....

It's all in perception. I never had a mother's day alone before... it's nice to just have some 'me' time. Even if I have way too much of it...

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

The Pain of Loneliness

I'm lonely. Ever been hit with that painful emptiness deep inside your gut. That hole demanding to be filled making your skin crave the touch of the opposite sex? Ever need to be held so badly that it is the only thing you can think of? Everyone is lonely at times and after a divorce that loneliness and new found freedom can catapult us into destructive behaviours, or into the arms of toxic men / women.

I am currently reading Toxic Men, by Lillian Glass. It's an easy read and an eye opener in so many ways about why my marriage slipped off the rails. I brought out the worst in my ex and he in turn brought out the worst in me. I shut down and stopped trying, which only escalated our issues and lead to our separation. Now, I'm lonely and am making bad decisions when it comes to the world of online dating because I just want some attention.

The problem with trying to find that attention online is it's not real until you meet in the real world. Too many predators, scammers, hook up artists, and insincere babies will find you online when you are at your most vulnerable. Manipulators will tell you lies to gain information you willingly tell them, hoping it will draw them closer to you. Rules and boundaries you put up for yourself can be easily broken when you are desperate enough. Lines that should be cemented in the ground, become dust. Loneliness can lead us to make dangerous choices we wouldn't otherwise make.

What seems like innocent fun, a game, can become an obsession. What seems real is only a fantasy, which can feel more exciting than reality. What seems innocent can turn harmful to those you love. It can push them away and when they find out your secret, it can destroy them.

Loneliness is a stabbing pain of emptiness deep inside our gut, ripping through the body to pour out our eyes into a sea of regret. It is a dull ache behind our hearts that flows into empty arms that crave to hold another warm loving body. Loneliness can lead to depression, destruction, desperation, but it doesn't have to.

If you are busy with friends and making new friends, not dates online, you will be too busy to feel that pain. Still feel it? Start working on loving yourself, defining what you want out of life and creating a plan to go after it. Volunteer. Call a friend. Join a group. Take a class. Read non fiction. Find something that will occupy your mind and your body while helping you to grow as a person.

Try not to watch romantic movies or read romance novels. Hollywood's version of romance is flawed, it isn't love and if it hurts you, why bother? They are only stories, not real, only fantasy. Yes, fantasy can be a happier place to be, however you'll never find love in the real world if you don't live in it.

What do you do to stave off the loneliness?

Thursday, 1 May 2014

Do Dominant Men Abuse Submissive Women?

The Game of 51 series has started out as a study in Dominance and Submission and whether or not it is a loving relationship or an abusive one. At first glance it is very easy to see how it is abusive because of it's unequal power structure and reliance on BDSM.

There are so many questions and different opinions, many of them extremely emotionally charged.

I was talking with one dominant man about abuse and BDSM. He asked me some poignant questions before saying he could never do what he does if his partner felt she was being abused. That begs the question, will a submissive woman whose only desire is to please her dominant tell him the truth? Or will she lie about how she feels to continue to please him? Or does she even really know if she is abused or not?

Every time I get an answer from one of these men I end up with more questions.

Keep in mind that I am only talking with them, I have never been in a D/S arrangement even though I believe I am a submissive woman. So I am not talking from experience and am not an expert on the subject, far from it. That said I still can form opinions, ask questions, and come up with ideas on the topic.

I believe that abuse in a D/S dynamic arrangement is a very fine line that a Dominant man must always be aware of, more so than non-Dominant men in vanilla relationships. Any relationship can become abusive where one person has more power than the other one, the intrinsic power play of a D/S relationship can make it an easy line to cross if the submissive is not given any chance to voice her feelings honestly without fear of punishment.

From what I've learned from talking to these men, they do not view their partner as an equal, some even view them as I would a child in terms of power and treatment. These men admit they are extremely selfish and need a woman who will please them with no expectation of any reciprocation. So the question becomes what does the woman in this situation get from the arrangement?

In a regular relationship a man and woman come together out of love and a desire to give to and care for each other. The D/S relationship is no different, except the expectations, wants, and desires are agreed to up front after a long Q & A process and one person is the giver while the other one is the caretaker. One makes all the decisions, while the other expedites those decisions. It's like a boss and a worker arrangement without the exchange of wages. A Dominant is kind of like an employer who looks out for his employee and ensures she has what she needs to get the job done.

For some Submissives the fact that they can arouse their Dominant and please him in the bedroom gives them a feeling of power and satisfaction. Whether or not they ever receive a physical release is mute to them because their motivation is to please and they find power in that. For others its the structure and the boundaries that give them security because they are unable to create boundaries for themselves.

I trained my dog to go for walks without a leash and the other day I noticed something. When I don't use a leash he is constantly checking where I am in relation to himself. He stays next to me and is constantly looking up at me to make sure he's doing 'good.' When I put him on a leash he pulls, explores, stops to smell things, is freer to take in his environment because he knows the leash will only let him go so far and he is safe to just 'be.' That's how some Submissives feel when it comes to the rules and boundaries, i.e. the leash, that their Dominants have established for them. I'm not saying they are dogs, just using my dog's walking habits to explain the point.

Abuse comes into the arrangement when the needs of the Submissive are not met. When beating her down to make her feel worse, so he can feel better, is the main objective of the Dominant man. When a Submissive does not have the power to leave because she is without funds, support, or opportunity. Emotions and feelings could lead a Submissive to stay in an abusive relationship in hopes she will receive what she needs to be happy. Conditioning could lead a Submissive to stop caring for herself as a person and become abused. So a Dominant man must always be aware of his Submissive's needs, feelings, and happiness. In a D/S relationship responsibility is on the Dominant, even ensuring he doesn't abuse his charge and she is well cared for.

Dominant and Submission is a complex arrangement based on trust and honesty more than any other type of relationship. I still have a million questions, but they won't all be answered because like all relationships, each one is unique. Each Dominant is motivated for different reasons, each Submissive is motivated for different reasons. Some are happy loving relationships, some are sex only arrangements, some are abusive. The hardest hurdle I had in understanding this world was seeing a D/S relationship as first and foremost a relationship, just like any other.

Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Miscommunication of Emails, texts, and IMs when Dating

Oy, can I say Oy even if I'm not Jewish? It seems appropriate for this situation. I was communicating via email with the guy who just wants to be friends. He messaged me that I shouldn't be using courts and lawyers because in the future I'll want to get back together with my ex and I won't be able to if things get messy.


I've tried to explain to him that my marriage is over due to abuse without divulging too much about my marriage. In response to his email I sent one telling him that once my ex finds out about the lien on our house and is served with child support papers he's going to lose it because he is prone to temper tantrums. I also mentioned talking to my daughter about the abuse that day and how the conversation went better than I'd hoped. OK maybe I wasn't as succinct as that, but that is about all I said. Maybe if I'd been more succinct and used less emotional words, he wouldn't have assumed things about me.

His email back told me that my life is a mess and why would I want to purposely make my ex mad by filing papers with the courts. He accused me of talking smack about my ex in front of my kids and if this is how I treated people I didn't hate he'd hate to see how I treated people I did. How could I tell a virtual stranger these things about my ex husband?


My next email divulged more about my marriage and how I am not allowing the abuse, the mess, or the issues in my life dictate my day to day. I am not feeling sorry for myself or looking for pity, it just is the situation I am in and I am dealing with it on a day by day basis. I have decisions to make and for reason A, B, and C, these are the decisions I've decided to make.

I wasn't emotional about it, although I wanted to tell him what I really thought of his last message.

My response was unemotional, to the point, with reasons to back up my choices and an explanation about why I was divulging so much information to a 'virtual stranger,' as he called himself. The reason was to explain why I made the choice to file paperwork with the courts, talk to lawyers, and have a plan in place in case he became violent. I also told him the purpose of telling him so much now was to get him to understand that not all marriages are good or salvageable. Plus, to make it very clear that my ex was abusive in front of his children and that although I talked to my daughter it was still done with positive reinforcement and a clear message that her father loves her. I also wanted to make it very clear that I am not an emotional train wreck and still the confident, together woman he met.

In the email I admitted that while my ex may have been controlling and abusive, he was not the only one at fault and I was very aware of my role in the downward spiral of our marriage. I also said good things about my ex and how I wanted him to find someone who would make him happy.

Why didn't I freak out on this 'virtual stranger' and tell him exactly what I thought of his opinion of me?

Well, because he doesn't know me. He assumed that since I am a victim of an abusive marriage who lives with the threat of his anger landing on my door step that I must be a mess. I am a mess in many ways, however, I am not an emotional wreck. I do my best to keep irrational thoughts out of my decision making process and I do not want to make my ex pay via revenge. I just want to live my life and move on. Life is too short for anger, hatred, and revenge.

Email is not the medium to use when having an emotional charged discussion. All that one has is words to interpret what you mean and what you are feeling. People will use their own points of view, lives, experiences, etc, to interpret your meaning in a negative way for the most part. I have yet to come across one person who didn't jump to conclusions, negative assumptions, and hurt feelings when they received an emotionally charged email.

For all I know his ex wife dragged him over the coals with lawyers and courts. She might have poisoned their children against him and ruined his reputation with their friends. I don't know why he reacted the way he did or accused me of being such a hateful, petty, woman. Sure I'm hurt, I'm upset, and I'm pissed, but why escalate things by being overly emotional in my response? It would only lead to another knee jerk reaction from him and more negative emotions for me.

I do not expect to ever hear back from this man again. Nor do I really want to, his issues are more than I want in my life right now. His uncanny ability to only see what he wants and use his experiences to interpret other people's situations only leaves me wondering if he is capable of empathy. I need friends who listen, can offer solid advice, and be there without accusing me of drama.

I have too much empathy and see so little of it in others. I'm not looking for a man to feel sorry for me, or even to fix my situation. I am looking for a man who can understand me through empathy but knows I am capable of handling things with his support as a friend, a confident, and a lover.

Monday, 28 April 2014

I Feel I Don't Deserve to be Loved - How I'm Fixing That

At my core I believe I don't deserve to be loved and those words eat at me when I'm tired, depressed, alone, and hurting. Those words ring so true to my soul I cry out in actual pain from it raking at my nerves, my heart, and my mind. I rarely cry, I rarely feel such pain, but when this lie screams out at me I almost buckle over from the physical agony tormenting my being. My head knows this statement is a lie, but that doesn't matter, I still hurt. 

It is this lie that abusers, manipulators, and predators are able to easily uncover and use against me to reel me into their toxic world. If I am ever to find true happiness and love I have to stop believing it and start loving myself enough to put up walls between me and the toxic men who I am drawn to. 

Here is a podcast that I find helpful, and one that you may also find key truths to help you as you heal:

I have been working on this with my therapist. She gave me a few exercises and one of them is to write out a list that I read over and over until I start believing it to the point it drowns out the lie. I've started the list and wanted to share it here. If you're like me, it's time you start calling out the lie and embarrass it back into the depths of hell...

Here's my list, I hope it will help you start writing yours.

Each item has the words I deserve to be loved in front of them, but since it was so hard on the eyes to have that phrase repeat over and over on the screen I removed it... when you write your list make sure you write I deserve to be loved before each reason you give.

I deserve to be loved because:

 God created me to be loved. 
 I am intelligent
 I am knowledgeable
 I am nonjudgemental 
 I get along with most people
 I have an open caring heart
 I have lots of empathy
 I am pretty
 I am kind
 I am a sweetheart
 I am a good friend
 I am an excellent mother
 I am a great writer
 I am a good marketer
 I am a decent salesperson
 I have marketable skills
 I can solve problems
 I am a quick learner
 I am resilient 
 I am resourceful
 I am independent 
 I am supportive
 I am wonderful
 I have a giving heart
 I have a positive outlook
 I love coffee
 I am a good cook
 I have a lot of love to give

This list will grow as I look at myself and all the positive strengths God has given me. Don't get me wrong I have plenty of weaknesses, my inability to keep a clean organized house is at the top of that list. I spend enough time feeling bad about my negatives and the next step will be to start seeing those traits not as negatives but either with a positive twist or as weaknesses that someone else can support with their strengths.