Monday, 6 January 2014

Waiting for a man...

Is there anything worse than waiting for a guy to contact you? Trying to stay occupied so you're not checking your messages, texts, emails. Marc has not responded to my last email in almost a week, has not conversed with me in over two and the last time our conversation was cut off by a power outage, or so he claims. I have noticed he is spending time on the dating site where I met him. So I know he is on his computer and purposefully ignoring me.

Move on you say? Dump the jerk? I wish I could. The one time I tried to run from him, he still plagued my mind and stirred my body without even a word or the possibility of one. Book 2, Regret is mainly about my struggle to stay away from him, to remove him from my life and my mind. I failed miserably.

What's worse is that I know he is manipulating me, using techniques designed to make me want him more because it is only human nature to want that which you cannot have. I watch myself make stupid decisions just to feel the desire this man enflames in me. I watch knowing he is moulding me, manipulating my every emotion, thought, and passion. Yet, I cannot help but want him. I can see the manipulation, I know what words are calculated, which are faked, but somehow I don't care, I just want. It's pathetic, I know.

Stupid you say? I have to agree. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I am allowing myself to chase this man. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I want this man. I am smarter than this, but I want and that want is so much more powerful than my mind.

Loneliness makes me do things I'd never do, want things I know I shouldn't want. Just for those moments when he pays attention to me and fills the hole of loneliness inside me. I want to experience this, know where our story is going to end up, find out how he will manipulate me next. Will this man ever care about me? Is he even capable of caring about someone else other than himself?