I've come to terms with being a submissive woman. That doesn't mean I want to be one. However, the question is, can I change?
Can I have normal desires? Or must I always be controlled by a dominant man to feel that rush of lust?
I know that those within the dominant / submissive lifestyle will say that there is nothing wrong with being a submissive... However, that is not my experience. How is constantly seeing to the desires and wants of someone else who constantly tests your love for them is good? It only reinforces my belief that I'm not good enough. How is allowing someone to treat you like an object, a toy, a thing, is a good thing? I end up feeling used, uncared for, and unlovable. It only confirms my belief that I don't deserve to be loved.
I need more than any dominant man is willing to give me... I need to be loved for me... I need to matter... I need to feel protected, cared for, cherished, and loved. However, these are not traits I've seen in any of the Dominant men I've met. They are all too selfish and caught up in an ideal game that they cannot see me, support me, or love me. I am nothing to them.
I just don't seem to get it right. I'm not a good enough submissive for dominant men. I try, I try my best but it's never good enough to get what I really need in return, and it's not some stupid orgasm.... That's all they seem to have to offer me.... That's all they think I'm good for....
They are very willing to try to convince me they are better then anyone else out there. That they can give me what I need. That they are not abusers. That they are the real thing and treat their subs with the respect they deserve, they care for them, protect them, and give them what they need.... Right up until they get what they want.... Then they turn. Turn ugly. Say mean things to me. Make demands of me with no regard for what I want or who I really am. They toss me aside like I'm nothing to them, but demand that they be everything to me. I am left alone... Ignored... Until they want to play again and if I say I'm busy or NO... Then suddenly I'm not submissive enough for them.
After talking with submissive women, and submissive men, I am firmly of the belief that they are so beaten down they think they deserve to be treated badly. That they have to be treated a certain way in order to be accepted, in order to get any attention, to be cared for.
When a man is kind to me, does extra nice things, I feel bad about myself to the point that I want to cry. That is so 'not' a normal response. Why shouldn't I deserve to be treated with kindness, care, and generosity? Why does a kind man make me hurt emotionally to the point of tears?
When a man is mean, puts me down, and ignores me, I feel bad, but a comfortable bad. It's like I feel better, calmer, normal, by feeling small, weak, and insignificant. I don't feel like crying. I don't hurt emotionally like I do when someone is nice to me. I feel normal in my self loathing. I firmly believe I don't deserve any better. I just want to sit in a corner and hide. When a dominant man tells me I've got to do better, I try harder to please him, knowing I won't please him. Knowing I don't matter.
I don't want to be this person. I want to be my other self.... My strong, independent, intelligent self. Why can't I matter? Why can't I feel that I deserve to be loved? How can I change my mind set?
I wish I knew the answers. I wish it was easy to get my heart to believe what my head keeps telling it. I wish that at my core I was not a submissive woman. I wish I was a kick butt woman.