I realize my role here... I was not forceful enough and should have just walked away. Reasons I didn't... same as always, some guy was paying attention to me and making me feel wanted. That is huge for me but it doesn't mean it leaves me feeling good about myself or what happened. I didn't realize how bad I felt until after he left and my stomach revolted against me. I'm still feeling ill more than twelve hours later.
I have no boundaries, never have, they were destroyed at a very young age and I am still trying hard to build them. My upbringing trained me to put men first, to see their needs as more important, to see them as more important. It's not that my mother meant that to be the lesson she taught, it just was. She would then be horrified if I didn't stand up against a man or slept with one. I would be berated and labelled 'bad' because I didn't stand up for myself and demand respect. These mixed messages in my teens left me as two separate people and I'm never sure which one will show up on the date.
Today the kick ass bitch started the date, but this guy slammed right through that facade to bring out the weaker easily manipulated wounded me. This me doesn't have the skills to protect herself from unacceptable advances. This me has no self respect and men can pick up on that because she has no clear boundaries. She doesn't follow the kick ass bitch's rules because the feel of being with a man is so comforting and nice. Yet, men scare the living daylights out of her because all they've done is use and abuse her. That girl needs to stay in her box.
I don't like that weak, broken, hurting, insecure part of me. I try to keep her boxed up behind a wall, but this letch kept coming until he broke the wall and then there were no boundaries left. He did what he wanted and kept trying to 'sell me' on more. I was finally able to get him to leave, but only because I said I was meeting a friend. At first he wanted to escort me to her place. When I said she was meeting me there, he wanted to wait with me... there was no friend, no car, no way to get away. Finally, he left and I walked to the closest coffee shop to wait until following and jumping on the next train home.
What lesson did I learn? Have an escape plan. Have a way out of the situation. Do not allow the kick ass bitch to be trampled down just because he's confident, persistent, and forceful. I have too much to learn and too much to build up. It's not an easy process but I'll get there.