Mommy Issues Much? Bad Date & Online Predator

As I work in coffee shops sometimes I usually arrange for guys to stop by to meet in the real world. Most times they are nice normal guys but something about me either puts them off or there is something about them. The last guy showed up and immediately began telling me how mad he was at his sisters because they wouldn't help him take care of his elderly mother. Odd, considering in most families it's the daughters who step up, but a good sign that he stepped up. A guy who takes care of his mother... A good thing right?

Yeah, until he started telling me how upset he was because her care giver kept making sure she took walks and now she's healthier than when he'd moved in. They told him she'd be dead soon and that's why he agreed to move in with her and he was upset because she was still alive.... Hmmmm and he wondered why I didn't respond when he said he wanted to see me again.

I'm a bored forty something year old woman and as you already know, a little on the more open side of talking about sex. This morning I was chatting online with a nice guy, he claimed to be a cosmetic surgeon who owned his own practice. Maybe his dad is the doctor because this kid certainly wasn't. He asked me to call him and I did, easier than typing.

The minute I'm on the phone he's belligerent telling me that ladies are boring and who'd want to date a lady anyway. What seemed like a nice successful guy online turned into a prick and an abuser of the first order, with a twist.... Mommy issues....

Right away from the way he talked it was obvious he was in his twenties and not educated. As usual I listened and answered sex questions that by now are normal. There's my wake up call.... or at least should be.... when did sex questions from strangers become mundane and normal?....

This kid was a piece of work and like others started jerking off. It was the manipulation of his words that I found interesting. He had statistics worked out, he usually didn't get hard with 75% of women but the 25% got him rock hard.... When he found those he pursed them because B*T*Hes were the best. His method sounded chaotic, but as I looked back on it was strategically planned to see what I would put up with and how much he could disrespect me.

• His friends that are nice don't get any woman, but those that were disrespectful and rude did. It wasn't fair that he had to be like that to get women because he really was a nice guy. 
• He made a promise that he would treat 'the one' like a lady
• He made a comments to make me feel I was being rude to him if I said something he didn't like
• He made a comment about dropping a woman off at Niagra if she didn't please him
• He made more promises about how he would treat the 'right' one
• He mixed compliments with rude disrespectful behaviour 
• He talked fast and pushed the conversation to where he wanted it, which in this instance ended with his happy ending....

He obviously has a huge mommy issue. I asked if he was talking on his cell while driving and if so I'd let him go. He got angry and accused me of mothering him and he didn't need a mother, how dare I? He was an educated man who could do what he wanted.

I wanted to see where this would go, mainly cause I was bored and attention is attention after all.... He came up with some fantasy that I agreed to be a part of and he kept going on about how I was one of the special ones because he usually didn't feel so turned on so fast. Using the you're special line. Except how special is someone who you don't know and doesn't care at all about you or whether or not they are special to you?

In the end he came.... They usually always do.... But he screamed out that he hated me as he did.... At first I thought that very odd, but I guess it's better than the whole I love you thing.... Cause how could he either love or hate me? I mean I don't know the guy, he's a voice on the other end of the phone....
The conversation ended and I went on with my day without a second thought about the kid who wanted to enact some stupid fantasy to get his rocks off.... Then he emailed me....

Basically he was taunting me telling me how stupid I was for letting him disrespect me and that if I'd been a lady I'd of hung up the phone. He's right. However, I never claimed to be a lady. I never once said I lived in the land of should and I don't apologize for it.

Here's his last email to me after I said I was a writer researching abusers and predators in the online dating world:

LOL I wrote the book. Easy Women on POF. I did nothing but disrespect you cause you portrayed yourself as such. Obviously this is no way to talk to a lady. A lady don’t talk about threesomes. She hang up the phone. I had no respect for you and you still talked to me. I love it. I slept with exactly 303 women. It’s really high I know. I’m clean get checked. 250 in real life the rest on pof. nothing but single moms looking for love and usuing sex to get it. LOL. I love life. you are stupid. Trust me you even know it. 

Maybe I am stupid. I want to shine a light on online predators, how they talk, how they manipulate, and how they sucker women in. Maybe this guy did get a good laugh, but who is sadder? Me? Him? 

Who feels the need to use mothers the way he does, to make fools of them? What did his mother do to him to make him feel better by making others feel bad? I have love in my life. He doesn't and probably never will considering how many empty experiences he's had trying to make himself feel better by hurting single mothers. 

I knew that he wasn't a 40 year old doctor the minute he opened his mouth on the phone. Educated people talk a certain way. Older men's voices are rougher and richer. Words are my domain and how someone speaks says a lot about them. I knew he wasn't who he'd claimed to be before he let the cat out of the bag. 

What I find sad is that he finds so much pleasure in making single mothers feel terrible. 

How does his joke, game, immaturity effect my life? They don't.... They just give me more material for this blog and my book... Cause every abuser, predator, etc is going into those pages so that others can study how they talk, think, and use their words to manipulate others. 

Even with my eyes wide open I can be pulled in to the manipulations of a predator.... I can just picture Marc having a good laugh at my expense.... That would effect me.... I know that he isn't who he claimed to be. I know that he isn't the man behind the words... I fell for words.... Words on a screen.... The man who wrote those words is nobody.... Still, I hope I would have meant at least a little something to him. 

Do Dominant Men Abuse Submissive Women?

The Game of 51 series has started out as a study in Dominance and Submission and whether or not it is a loving relationship or an abusive one. At first glance it is very easy to see how it is abusive because of it's unequal power structure and reliance on BDSM.

There are so many questions and different opinions, many of them extremely emotionally charged.

I was talking with one dominant man about abuse and BDSM. He asked me some poignant questions before saying he could never do what he does if his partner felt she was being abused. That begs the question, will a submissive woman whose only desire is to please her dominant tell him the truth? Or will she lie about how she feels to continue to please him? Or does she even really know if she is abused or not?

Every time I get an answer from one of these men I end up with more questions.

Keep in mind that I am only talking with them, I have never been in a D/S arrangement even though I believe I am a submissive woman. So I am not talking from experience and am not an expert on the subject, far from it. That said I still can form opinions, ask questions, and come up with ideas on the topic.

I believe that abuse in a D/S dynamic arrangement is a very fine line that a Dominant man must always be aware of, more so than non-Dominant men in vanilla relationships. Any relationship can become abusive where one person has more power than the other one, the intrinsic power play of a D/S relationship can make it an easy line to cross if the submissive is not given any chance to voice her feelings honestly without fear of punishment.

From what I've learned from talking to these men, they do not view their partner as an equal, some even view them as I would a child in terms of power and treatment. These men admit they are extremely selfish and need a woman who will please them with no expectation of any reciprocation. So the question becomes what does the woman in this situation get from the arrangement?

In a regular relationship a man and woman come together out of love and a desire to give to and care for each other. The D/S relationship is no different, except the expectations, wants, and desires are agreed to up front after a long Q & A process and one person is the giver while the other one is the caretaker. One makes all the decisions, while the other expedites those decisions. It's like a boss and a worker arrangement without the exchange of wages. A Dominant is kind of like an employer who looks out for his employee and ensures she has what she needs to get the job done.

For some Submissives the fact that they can arouse their Dominant and please him in the bedroom gives them a feeling of power and satisfaction. Whether or not they ever receive a physical release is mute to them because their motivation is to please and they find power in that. For others its the structure and the boundaries that give them security because they are unable to create boundaries for themselves.

I trained my dog to go for walks without a leash and the other day I noticed something. When I don't use a leash he is constantly checking where I am in relation to himself. He stays next to me and is constantly looking up at me to make sure he's doing 'good.' When I put him on a leash he pulls, explores, stops to smell things, is freer to take in his environment because he knows the leash will only let him go so far and he is safe to just 'be.' That's how some Submissives feel when it comes to the rules and boundaries, i.e. the leash, that their Dominants have established for them. I'm not saying they are dogs, just using my dog's walking habits to explain the point.

Abuse comes into the arrangement when the needs of the Submissive are not met. When beating her down to make her feel worse, so he can feel better, is the main objective of the Dominant man. When a Submissive does not have the power to leave because she is without funds, support, or opportunity. Emotions and feelings could lead a Submissive to stay in an abusive relationship in hopes she will receive what she needs to be happy. Conditioning could lead a Submissive to stop caring for herself as a person and become abused. So a Dominant man must always be aware of his Submissive's needs, feelings, and happiness. In a D/S relationship responsibility is on the Dominant, even ensuring he doesn't abuse his charge and she is well cared for.

Dominant and Submission is a complex arrangement based on trust and honesty more than any other type of relationship. I still have a million questions, but they won't all be answered because like all relationships, each one is unique. Each Dominant is motivated for different reasons, each Submissive is motivated for different reasons. Some are happy loving relationships, some are sex only arrangements, some are abusive. The hardest hurdle I had in understanding this world was seeing a D/S relationship as first and foremost a relationship, just like any other.

He's Not That into Me - How I Changed That - Briefly.

Marc is an ideal, an obsession, a man who flits in and out of my email to keep me on his hook, each time keeping me obsessing over him, but last week I changed that. How? Simple, I stopped caring and put on my kiss ass Bitch hat. -- Yeah I made that sound easier than it is. However, it is a mind switch - thinking instead of feeling. Ah huh? Let me explain...

When I was obsessing about Marc, constantly searching for his emails, stalking him on the dating site, I was motivated by my feelings. Loneliness, hurt, abandonment, and self loathing. Yes, self loathing. I did not feel worthy of being treated better than he was treating me. The other men I've met who are making grand gestures, saying wonderful things about me, and promising to treat me right make me uncomfortable and I hated myself even more.

That statement may not make a lot of sense, I mean how do 'nice' compliments from 'nice guys' make me hate myself more? They do because I don't believe them, compliments are foreign to me, and they make me nervous. I leave the conversation asking myself what is wrong with me? Why can't I just like someone who sees me as an amazing woman? Why don't I deserve to be cherished, loved, cared for? Why do I feel more comfortable being treated like a Whore by Marc? Why do I feel more comfortable being constantly criticized? Why do I feel more comfortable feeling worthless, unloveable, unworthy, and invaluable? The answer - I am a survivor of life long abuse.

The first thing I did was to write on post it notes stating I am worthy, valuable, loveable, and deserving of love, success, and respect. Next, I did not email Marc, until he finally emailed me and during that time I wrote and rewrote an email stating how wonderful I am and exactly what I wanted, where my boundary was. His response was positive. More positive than I would have imagined and lastly, I wasn't there to respond every time he emailed me back.... which resulted in him emailing me again and chasing me again.

I use my mind to tell myself over and over I do not care if he disappears, I do not care if he is talking with other women, I do not care if he is sleeping with other women. I do not care if he contacts me or if he doesn't. I keep telling myself this over and over and over..... One day I'll believe it. Right now though I am acting like I believe it and it's producing more communication from him. He is stepping closer. He likes me more as a confident woman instead of the insecure school girl.

The full email I wrote and his full response will be in one of the future Game of 51 books.



Here is some of what I wrote him:


I have a choice.... I can accept what you are offering or I can walk away.... I know what you want... sex... no strings attached.... no icky romantic feelings...  I've always known this... and I chose you.... 

So what if I'm not a priority to you? I can't do anything about how you feel about me. I have no control over you. You will either take me or leave me.... I am who I am, I don't play games, I tell it like I see it and I can rationalize my feelings -- eventually, once I understood the boundaries and expectations.

Once I comprehended that you were serious about me. Once I felt secure in my role with you, I could manage my reaction to not being a priority. 

If you don't want me - nothing I can do about it. No use getting all upset.... I was stupid to get upset before. I'm a very passionate, smart, giving, submissive woman -- take it or leave it -- that's me. I can't be anything else or anyone else.... You'll contact me or you won't. You'll show up or you won't. Either way -- I'll survive. 

His initial response:


Your previous letter was quite insightful of you, and of yourself and how you are viewing your life. I see you progressing above my expectations of you. You are becoming more confident, more sure of yourself, more positive. That pleases me. 



Yes he contacted me more, chased me a bit, but then went silent again. I can't do anything about that. I can only control myself and how I react. Do I want to chase a man who only wants sex and nothing else? No. Do I want to chase a man who only sees me as a whore to use? No. Do I want to chase Marc? No. Am I still obsessed with him? Yes.

I need a life. I need to meet other people in the real world and work on my own self image. I have to get busy and as I get busier and meet friends who are healthy for me and supportive of me, I will eventually learn how to love myself and men like Marc will not be able to get a hold on me.

I still feel blessed for knowing Marc, he was there when I needed him. God has used him to help bring me out of an abusive marriage, to help me understand control, dominance, and submission. The nice compliments Marc has given me have rung true to my heart and helped me to like myself more. The amazing supportive words he has provided me have helped me to stand up to those who are controlling in my life and have helped me to create boundaries. He has helped me figure out what I want and has opened me up to sexuality where just four months ago I couldn't even admit I had sex with my husband.

He has been a blessing. I hope he will continue to be in my life, however, it's up to me if he is, I must see him for who he is, what he wants from me, and expect no more from him. I have a choice, take what he is offering me or walk away. I chose him. Now it's up to me to find ways to not obsess, to have a life, and maybe one day I'll find the man I really want to have a life with.

He's just NOT into Me.... Too Bad....

I've been reading a lot about dating, relationships, and how men think.... Yes ladies they do think and not just with the little head, although that one seems to be the dominant thinker sometimes.

I remember way back in my University days when John Grey made a big splash with his Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars book, learning about how men like to pull back, go into their cave. I agree with this statement, but at some point they have to come out and if they don't, I think there might be a problem.

Marc's disappeared again... Yes I know, big red flashing lights telling me to bail out.

I read a blog post online about the signs that he just might not be that into you... Guess what, According to this dating coach, Marc's behaviour tells me he's just not that into me. However, every time I call him on it, ask him if he wants to end our arrangement or walk away myself, he comes back and gets closer to me. Damn the man.

This time I'm taking control of myself back. I am not going to tell him I want closure. I've just stopped emailing him first. Trust me this is hard, very hard. I so want to tell him about my day, how things are going with the divorce, especially since I'm so proud of myself for doing so much.

Well, to satisfy myself I write the email and leave it in the drafts folder. If he ever contacts me I'll have an email already to go. If he doesn't email me... I didn't make a fool of myself, yet again.

Every time I say I'm done with him, ask him to release me, he comes back opening himself a bit more to me and I fall for it. Why? Because he scores high on some arbitrary checklist I have about what the perfect man looks like? No. Because I'm a stupid girl with no self respect? Although it feels that way, No. Because he's got magic powers? Definitely not.

I keep going back because I can't have him and I'm in love with the IDEA of him. He is my main character in my Game of 51 Series, he's mysterious, intelligent, interesting, powerful, and has a hold on me - hook line and sinker. I want him because I'm not in control of him. I want him because he is unattainable. It's a game, a contest, a competition. It's not the man I want, but the prize of winning.

It's manipulation 101 - I can see every manipulation he's made, every word, every technique, every string he pulled. I intentionally ignored every one. Why? For a book? Maybe, but doubtful. I ignored the red flags for the attention, the experience, the feelings he stirred inside me.

I have to remember, he's just words on a screen. He's not real. He's only a manipulator who can type a good game.

I've stopped looking to see if he's on the dating site talking to other women. I've updated my own profile and started talking to other men again. At some point I will meet someone who is real, who will think I am special, and who will want me as much as I will want them. At that point, Marc's words on a screen will only be a memory.

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for his words. They have given me so much during a very difficult time in my life. He has offered me support, been there when I needed him to be, and he made me feel sexy again. He gave me confidence and helped me to feel after years of emotional numbness.

He may not be into me. Our run may or may not be over. But his appearance in my life meant something to me. It helped me. No matter how hurt I'll be if this is it, I'll always be thankful for the attention he did give to me.

Gender Roles, Gender Equality, and Dominant Men.

The Game of 51 series started out as a record of my online dating experiences as I went from a long term marriage back into the world of dating. What it has turned into is a study in gender roles in relationship, power exchange in sex, and gender equality in a Dominant / Submissive relationship.

As I talk to dominant men online I am struck by their attitude toward feminism and modern women. Their views aren't even old fashion ideals of the role of woman. It isn't about loving a woman so much you'd die for them. It isn't about cherishing a woman or taking care of them. It's about using them as sexual objects and using sex to put them in their place. It's about having a woman serve them, worship them, stroke their egos, and be a sexual slave for them. She is to always be ready for sex, which if you're a woman you know - we aren't always in the mood, but that doesn't matter to a dominant man.

Sure being a sex object is a boost to the self esteem. It feels good to be desired, wanted, lusted after. But it gets old fast. Sex is only a small part of a relationship - but to these guys it's everything. It's how they assert their power, their dominance, who they are in the relationship. It's how they make their women less than people, they make them objects of desire, ready to serve them.

They usually ask me what I believe the roles of men and women in a relationship should be. I do like how the Dominant / Submissive dynamic clearly defines gender roles because each person knows exactly what is expected and who is responsible for what. How many more marriages would have lasted had each person been clear about their expectations up front? What role each person was supposed to take on? Who would lead, who would follow?

Still, a Dominant / Submissive 24/7 relationship is an unequal power dynamic I have a hard time wrapping my head around. The more I talk to these men, the more I read, the more I research, the more confusing it becomes. A Dominant man will punish his woman physically, as if she was a child, if she does not do as she is told. When one guy told me he'd spank me if I didn't keep the house clean I told him I'd give him a good right hook if he tried. One, because I'm not a child. Two, because I can't clean worth the brown stuff coming out your butt. I'm not about to agree to discipline for something I know I'll never succeed at or be happy succeeding at. I find no pride in keeping a clean house or by pleasing someone I resent for making me.

For the record I do clean my place, I get rid of clutter etc..... But I do not feel pride when someone comments on how nice the place looks.

The thing that strikes me as completely unfair about the Dominant / Submissive relationship is this: There is a definite consequence for the woman when she doesn't fulfill her role in the agreement, usually a spanking, but who punishes the man when he doesn't fulfill his end of the bargain?  If she isn't getting what she needs, what she wants, if he isn't fulfilling his role, where is his consequence? Who will spank the dominant man when he screws up?

 I have a very hard time getting my head around that. A Submissive in a 24/7 relationship is not supposed to have wants, her only need is supposed to be to serve her Dominant. Still, there has to be something the Dominant is providing the Submissive to get her to stay and if he doesn't, who spanks him?

I believe equality amongst the sexes in a relationship is about respecting each others strengths and supporting them in their weaknesses. I don't believe all men are meant to make all the decisions in a relationship. I don't believe all women are meant to be in the kitchen. I believe equality in relationships is different for each relationship and neither person should take the lead based only on their gender. Dominant men don't seem to like this point of view.

Before you say I'm not submissive, I am in a certain part of a relationship. I'm just not a 24/7 submissive and I have a hard time understanding them. However, I want to. I want to understand how they don't feel abused. How they can view the control that is asserted over them as loving care. I want to know what they get out of such an unequal power dynamic.

Book 4, which I am currently writing, explores 24/7 submission and asks questions about how someone can really find happiness in such a relationship. I talk with a few Dominants online looking for a 24/7 Submissive and I may not get it, but the point of relationships is that there are all different kinds for all different kinds of people.

Due to my marital situation Book 4 will be delayed.

Need to Focus on Writing not Dating

Went for a long drive with my best friend.... An eight hour drive to be exact. We talked about everything and she gave me a good talking to.  Sometimes it takes a girlfriend to get you back on track. I should be writing and focusing on polishing it for publishing. The ebooks are not polished, the story is erratic but there is a real story there.

I am currently working on book four and it hasn't been easy. I don't know why but I can't seem to write it. Not because I don't have material or because I don't have experiences... I mean I finally go on a couple actual meet the guys in the real world to my disappointment.... I am so obsesses with Marc though I keep looking for him, re reading his messages, trying to figure out how to move him closer to me.... Which I never will.

She was brutally honest and although she understands how 'hot' Marc makes me and how much I want him in the real world.... I need to fix me. I need to demand respect. I need to write my books and get on with my life. If he wants to be apart of my life he'll come around, if not, I'm sure there is some other guy out there that will make me just as 'hot' and will treat me well.

So onto finishing Book 4 and getting it uploaded....

I'm Obsessed With a Man

I need to get a grip. I am obsessed with Marc. I can't get him out of my head, haven't been able to since he first winked at me four months ago. He has been manipulating me the whole time. I can see the manipulation techniques as they happen and I still step toward him willingly. I want what he is offering but I need to stop.

Every time he goes silent to bring me closer I go insane. I can't stop emailing him, jumping up and down saying "Hey don't forget about me."

Yesterday I noticed he was chatting on the online dating site I met him on and so what do I do.... sent him 4 emails. First one.. Hey thinking about you... second and third... questions about what I should be expecting from whatever this is with him and the last email was let's just say I don't expect to hear from him any time soon. I was quite depressed by the time I wrote it.  -- Started out with me saying call me when he was in town for sex and I'd write him a bill on my way out the door right after he used me.... Not very sexy.

Really pathetic. Completely desperate. The absolutely wrong thing to do.....

The reason I'm obsessing over this jerk is I have no life. I now live on my own. I work from home. I moved into a small apartment so all my hobby crap went into storage. I need to get out. I need to get busy. I need to figure out what things I need to do to be happy. I need to meet other people, both men and women... In other words, I need a life.

If I can get a life then I won't be looking for Marc's emails. I won't be around for his calls. I won't be available for video sex... now that was a hot experience.... One I can't wait to write about in my series the Game of 51.  If I'm not available then he'll either write me off or start obsessing over me.... either way I'll be happier.

If he writes me off then I'm finally free of the hold he has over me. If he starts obsessing over me then I'll hear from him more and the benefits of that are hot... really hot... and satisfying....

I have just gone through a really terrible time in my life leaving me depressed. Marc is my distraction. The thing that makes me feel good for about 5 seconds and I crave that happy feeling. Problem is, when I am not getting his attention the absence of that 'happy feeling' leaves me even more depressed.

Any ideas about what to do to stay occupied and stop obsessing over a man? I prefer meeting another man.... whenever I do it works well, until the other man becomes a dud..... Usually the minute I meet him in the real world. Are there any decent single men out there?

Ex Wants to Kick Me OUT of the House

We've been separated a year, but we still live together as roommates. We live in a very expensive city and I can't afford rent because I don't make enough money.  He won't sell the house until the renos are done so I can't get the equity out of the house to help set me up.

He was supposed to have finished the renos last summer when I went to live with my parents... He bought a boat to work on instead.

Then he was supposed to go work up North for 20 days a month and come back for 10. Sounded like a perfect solution. The kids wouldn't move and we'd switch out of the house. I had a room lined up to rent and everything. Then he turned the job down and stayed. Renos still not done.

All of January I tried to figure out a solution. I looked for a second job, checked out rents, started dating to get out of the house. I spent my evenings in a coffee shop and my days at home.

Then he went to Mexico for a week. I should mention we've never been to an all inclusive 'hot' spot vacation in twenty years. I still haven't been. Not that I care, I just find it a bit ironic that he wouldn't go when he'd have to pay for two of us and then the minute it's just him, he goes. Any who... He came home and started yelling.

I mean yelling. He threw all the items in the recycling bin around the room because my son hadn't taken it out before he got home. He was pissed that I hadn't cleaned the bathroom. OK I'll give him that one, but if he'd seen it the day before he really would have had something to bitch about. Our son had made one huge mess of the room and I'd tidied it up. Just hadn't got to cleaning it. He was pissed because he couldn't see what to make himself for lunch. The pantry is stuffed, I'm the one who pays for groceries so there's food. You just have to actually make something. It's not an all inclusive buffet.

He wants me out. He wants me to find a place to rent by myself and leave the kids with him. He wants me out like yesterday and I'm not to contact a lawyer. Seriously? Well guess what, not only am I not leaving before I can afford to, I'm taking the kids and I will be talking to the free lawyer service. Not an ideal choice, but the only choice I can afford.

My other option is to leave the kids here and go home to live at my parents place. If he believes I really do nothing all day, maybe the three of them need to find out exactly what I do everyday and what I pay for.

I don't blame my kids at all. I spoil them, clean up after them, allow them all sorts of messes without consequences. I can't keep up when I have a full time job, even one from home, have a social life, food, dinners, errands, running kids around, laundry, tidying the house, dishes, and trying to jump start a new career as a writer of all things. I really should choose something that pays.

I've done it to myself, really. I do spend way too much time on the computer. I could have cleaned the bathroom instead of just tiding it and I could have done a few more things around the house before he came home. Did I mention I picked him up from the airport at midnight the night before his most recent blow up? But I don't do anything to make his life easier, so I have to get out of the house....

Hmmmm, I think this situation will run in book 4 or book 5 of The Game of 51 Series.

Book 3 Released - The Game of 51: Confessions of an Online Dater.

 Book 3 of The Game of 51 Series has been released. 

Morgan has made her decision and jumped into the abyss with no guarantees. She desires Marc, but his attention comes with a price. Can she be what he wants? The fantasy of submission drives her lust, but when faced with the reality of being a sex slave it's all too real. Morgan must come to terms with her mind, her fears, and her body's desires because Marc is demanding she give all or nothing

Morgan Pellitier is a forty year old woman recently separated from her husband. She has gone online to find love only to find a man who wants to dominate her and she is helpless to stop him. Follow the series The Game of 51: Confessions of an Online Dater as Morgan IMs with men, manages her life, and lusts after a man she knows she shouldn't. In Book 3: Forgiveness she has agreed to become Marc's sex slave but she had no idea what she was in for. 

Click to download your free ebook, pdf, or various other files. 

Sample: (It was hard to find a clean enough sample...)

I’m constantly looking for messages from Marc and it’s annoying. He hasn’t contacted me in three days. I know three whole days, big whoop, that’s normal. I know it is, but I need his attention. It’s the attention, the conversation, the power of words. I enjoy the banter, the flirting, the slow revelations of one’s self. It’s the mystery of the messages, who is he? What is he? and Is this the one who can fulfill me? 

I’m online yet again. I seem to be addicted to talking to strange men. These other guys are just a distraction from my loneliness when Marc is not talking to me. I’ve seen him online on the dating site talking to other women, trying to meet someone new. That doesn’t bother me, what bother’s me is that he’s ignoring me. He isn’t sending me a quick email to say that he’s thinking about me. He isn’t making our arrangement a priority and I’m not sure what to do. 

I’m supposed to be his slave now. I’m still not sure what that means and I have so many questions. The good thing about the internet is that it’s a whole host of information and people willing to talk to me, answer my questions, help me. If Marc won’t answer my questions than maybe someone else will, like this guy I’m IMing with now. He’s a sub looking for a Domme and unlike the last poor boy sub I talked to, this one seems more stable, grounded, and surer of himself.

‘I have yes, since my twenties.’

‘Ever have a long term relationship or has it all been fun play?’

‘I’ve had long term relationships.’

‘I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that a Dom would care about their sub as a person, or care about what they want, or who they are. Any insight you can give me?’

‘I can understand that. I want to find a Domme to please and do as they say.’

‘But that is you caring about what makes the Dom happy. Does the Dom care about what makes a sub happy?’

‘Hmmm. I assume so. But perhaps not overtly.’

‘Don’t you want someone to care about you?’

‘I want to please.’

‘What about you? Don’t you want someone to care about your day, your thoughts, your feelings? If you please a Dom what do you get?’

‘I get to serve.’

‘That’s it? And that’s enough for you?’

‘Perhaps.’

‘Don’t you ever get mad?’

‘No.’

‘See this is what I can’t wrap my head around. A relationship where only one person’s wants matter isn’t very fair.’

‘I do like to please. If I do as I am told then both participate.’

‘I am curious... Obviously... Trying to wrap my head around your world.’

‘I do understand, but if you’re not interested.’

‘I’m not a Domme. I’m just very curious about why someone becomes a sub and if they matter as a person to the Dom.’

‘I am a person.’

‘Exactly. You are. You matter.’

‘Yes. Thank you.’

‘So why not be with someone who knows you matter?’

‘A true Dom cares for a Sub.’

‘Maybe I should explain myself a bit better. I ran into a Dom online. Before I knew it I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I like rough sex etc. But I can’t see myself submitting to someone... I have to matter.’

‘So you are a sub too?’

‘I wouldn’t go that far. Just thinking about it... Maybe... I’m very confused.’

‘Seems so.’

‘That’s why I wanted to ask you so many questions. I can’t get my head around the power dynamic. I don’t know how I can trust someone enough to put myself into their power.’

‘I understand. I want to please. I find happiness in pleasing my Domme. She finds happiness in being pleased. Simple.’

‘Not simple. What about your feelings?’

‘As long as I can serve I am fulfilled.’

‘What about what you want? Need?’

‘A true Dom will make sure I get everything I need. I only want to please.’

‘How do you know you will get what you need if you’re not allowed to voice what you want?’

Book 3 Too Intimate to Share

I am writing book three of the Game of 51 Series and some of the scenes are intimate between me and Marc. I feel very uncomfortable sharing them in the book because they are ours and I don't want to hurt him by making public these conversations. Yet, at the same time it is going against the goal I had when I started this project.

See, I never thought I'd really end up caring for him. I thought it would just be sex and that would be it. At the time I thought he'd deserve it for not caring about me as a person. I neglected to consider that I would care about him as a person. I can't just see him as a creep just wanting to have sex with me because that's not who he is.

When I started the project, I had all these assumptions about dominants and how they treated women. Most of society does. Assumptions about some of these type of men are valid, those who abuse or go to far, but some, like Marc, are different.  I have learned a lot about the dominant / submissive relationship dynamic over the course of a month and still have a lot to learn. Some dominant men I've talked to, do go to far, some that I've read about are abusers posing as dominants, but neither of these is Marc.

Marc asks questions, listens, teaches, gives me support and advice. He focuses on my needs and finds pleasure in my desire for him. I want to please him and am willing to do things I never thought I'd do for a minute, just to make him happy. I have a lot more to learn about this man.

The small parts of him that he has shown me I really like. I want to know more about him. I didn't think this, whatever it is, would go on this long. I didn't think I'd care about his feelings since he obviously doesn't care about mine. However, I do. I want to please him and protect him from my project. It's just who I am. I can't separate feelings from sex, even when that's all it is.

The series is based in reality and as a writer I am fictionalizing the scenes as much as possible to make it more interesting, flow better, and to protect the real people. I will continue to write the story and change it up to protect Marc's real identity and the real identity of every man I have talked to online. The whole point of this project is to understand how woman are sucked into scams, manipulated by abusers and to share the horrors of dating in the twenty first century.

Some people have shared their horror stories with me and I can't wait to add them into the series. To put myself into their shoes and try to understand how they ended up where they did.

Trying to Figure Him Out...

If you've read my books, you know Marc is not only a man but a dominant man who enjoys the power exchange of having a woman do his bidding in the bedroom. Currently I am having a very hard time understanding what makes him tick because he won't tell me anything about him. I've talked with a few other dominant men trying to understand the relationship dynamic and they don't give anything about themselves away.

This is an issue for me.

I want to understand Marc, get to know him better, but he won't let me. Information is one way - Do what you're told and be rewarded. Don't, and be punished or worse, ignored. Any time I try to manipulate him or the conversation to get more from him, or ask too many questions, I am faced with long periods of silence.

That's a good thing though, right? I need him to ignore me, so I can pull myself back from him. To take ownership of myself. To get him out of my head and be my own person again. If only I could. Wanting this man makes me feel pathetic. He is so confident, assured, and powerful leaving me insecure, unsure, and weak in his presence.

If you met me in the real world, you would not use those three words to describe me. Most people describe me as a strong, independent, smart woman. Too smart to get caught up with a man like Marc. Too independent to please a man like him, and too strong willed to take any type of crap from a man like him.

Yet, I am drawn to him. I want to please him, do as he tells me, be what he wants me to be. Yes, I am pathetic. I asked too many questions the other day trying to understand him, trying to figure out what motivates him, what makes him tick, what he gets out of this type of relationship, and he said good bye and went silent.

Now I must wait. Wait until he summons me again. Wait until he feels I have been punished enough and will submit to him. I hate that word. Submit. It's an ugly word for a woman because throughout history women have been held down by that word. They have been abused, neglected, and left frustrated in their lives because the men they submit to don't take care of them.

That is my greatest fear... once used up by this man I will be left with what? As what? That answer is simple - Nothing.

It Starts

Well after twenty years with the same man in my bed, I'm single again.

The first thing I did was check out the online dating world to see what was available out there. Was there anything decent or should I be making a beeline for the nearest pet store to buy a bunch of cats? 

My first step into the online world of dating was such a shock and so forward that I almost deleted everything and seriously considered the cat angle. But, I've got some good friends who told me that I should probably stick it out and maybe even write a book about my experiences. 

So, that's what I've done. The Game of 51: Confessions of an Online dater is a series of short novella ebooks, each approx a hundred pages long, about my adventures as I look for the next Mr. Right. 

The title, The Game of 51 was suggested to me by a friend who read the 50 Shades of Grey series, because the first man to contact me was a dominant who has awoken an intense desire inside me.

I did a bit of digging and decided the title was good for a couple of other reasons too; first, dating is a game and second the 50/51 label for people by the police means they are crazy so be extra careful and 50/51 is slang in the dating world for a girl that is pretty enough to bang, but a whole lot of crazy.

I started this adventure four weeks ago. Take a moment to get caught up by reading the two first ebooks of the series, It begins and Regrets. Both are available as free downloads at most online books stores.

I encourage you to come along with me as I navigate the dangerous waters of the online dating world. The main character, Morgan Pellitier, yes me, will be experiencing some interesting situations, some of them while based in reality will be fictionalized, as I don't plan on putting myself into dangerous situations, or be taken in by scam artists for real. However, you never know I might just surprise even myself with the choices I make. I've already made some that I never thought I would, curious, read the free novellas to find out how Marc has me considering a dangerous path.

If you have a dating horror story you wish to share or want me to use in my novellas, please email me at thegameof51 at gmail.com.

Get your free ebook download at Smashwords.

Follow me on twitter: @morganpellitier