Dating Advice Blogs, Websites & Books

Since I've been reading as much as I can on dating in the 21st Century, plus how men and women see each other, I thought I'd put a list together.

Blogs:

Cija Black: This woman has put together an amazing website with podcast to help women be stronger and better daters. If you want to know what you're doing wrong and how to find that elusive quality man, check out her website and podcast.

The Rules Revisited : This male blogger has been analyzing his dating experience and has some really interesting insights into the differences between men and women and how they view each other. I found his writing style easy to follow and his insights mostly right on the money. He is an intelligent individual with some good points on modern day romance.

Finding Love: A collection of articles written on Psychology Today's website about dating, love and the different sexes. Really insightful look at the science and psychology behind the gender connection game.

Last First Date: A dating coach. In today's world a dating coach might just help keep you from heart ache. There are a lot of great articles to read and some straight forward advice. Considering the number of scammers I seem to attract, the how to protect yourself advice is most welcome.


Dating Books:

Toxic Men:  A good book organizing the toxic behaviours of different types of men. What I did learn from this book was that women have similar toxic behaviours that can bring out the worst in certain men. Toxic types can match up and be happy others match up and become codependent, still others match up and it's WW III. The book is filled with insightful advice that will make you think about your own behaviour and the type of man that is best suited for you.

The 30 day Love Detox: OK well I'm reading this one now... So far it's pretty old fashioned advice... Don't sleep with the guy in the first 30 days of dating and make him court you... My BFF swears by the advice in this book and she's always got a man or three taking her out on real dates and begging her to commit to them. So I'm giving it a chance....


Online Dating Sites:

Plenty of Fish: Since this online dating site is free it is more about quantity of choices than actual quality. You have to throw back a lot of minnows before you catch sight of anything decent. However, it is free and you will have a lot of men/women to chose from.

OK Cupid: Another free site. I like this one better because it has literally thousands of questions to answer about your values, dating ideals, sex preferences, lifestyle, and beliefs. The algorithm then matches your profile with other profiles bases on a % of acceptable and unacceptable answers. You can then go through and see how the potential date answered questions to see if there are any deal breakers. The site is getting more popular and once again, it's free so there is a lot to chose from.

Match.com: This is one where you have to pay in order to communicate. You can set up a profile for free and peruse the site, but you have to pay to communicate. There are lots of profiles to look at but few that you can communicate with. So although it looks like there are lots of potential daters, not all of them are subscribers. The fact that it's a paid site should mean that there is more quality. I did not find that to be the case. I received very few messages and those I did receive were the same quality of men as the ones I'd met on the free sites.

eharmony.com: I had heard great things about this site and the quality of guys on it so I signed up. I didn't find that the quality was any better and the few dates I did finally end up on.  The communication process is slow and scripted with questions you answer to see if you want to continue on finding out more about the person. You finally get through the process and end up having a conversation.  Guys were more ready to meet in the real wold I found, but in the end were no better than the guys I met on POF and OKC.

Zoosk: Horrible... My least favourite site... Although I never tried the new timber site which I'm sure is worse than this one.....

Lavalife: This one is worse than Zoosk in that it's full of horny old men looking to talk smut via IM chats with absolutely no intention of meeting in the real world.. The amount of kink, married cheaters, scammers, dominants, and other fringe dwellers is astronomical. This site caters to the old and desperate.

Mommy Issues Much? Bad Date & Online Predator

As I work in coffee shops sometimes I usually arrange for guys to stop by to meet in the real world. Most times they are nice normal guys but something about me either puts them off or there is something about them. The last guy showed up and immediately began telling me how mad he was at his sisters because they wouldn't help him take care of his elderly mother. Odd, considering in most families it's the daughters who step up, but a good sign that he stepped up. A guy who takes care of his mother... A good thing right?

Yeah, until he started telling me how upset he was because her care giver kept making sure she took walks and now she's healthier than when he'd moved in. They told him she'd be dead soon and that's why he agreed to move in with her and he was upset because she was still alive.... Hmmmm and he wondered why I didn't respond when he said he wanted to see me again.

I'm a bored forty something year old woman and as you already know, a little on the more open side of talking about sex. This morning I was chatting online with a nice guy, he claimed to be a cosmetic surgeon who owned his own practice. Maybe his dad is the doctor because this kid certainly wasn't. He asked me to call him and I did, easier than typing.

The minute I'm on the phone he's belligerent telling me that ladies are boring and who'd want to date a lady anyway. What seemed like a nice successful guy online turned into a prick and an abuser of the first order, with a twist.... Mommy issues....

Right away from the way he talked it was obvious he was in his twenties and not educated. As usual I listened and answered sex questions that by now are normal. There's my wake up call.... or at least should be.... when did sex questions from strangers become mundane and normal?....

This kid was a piece of work and like others started jerking off. It was the manipulation of his words that I found interesting. He had statistics worked out, he usually didn't get hard with 75% of women but the 25% got him rock hard.... When he found those he pursed them because B*T*Hes were the best. His method sounded chaotic, but as I looked back on it was strategically planned to see what I would put up with and how much he could disrespect me.

• His friends that are nice don't get any woman, but those that were disrespectful and rude did. It wasn't fair that he had to be like that to get women because he really was a nice guy. 
• He made a promise that he would treat 'the one' like a lady
• He made a comments to make me feel I was being rude to him if I said something he didn't like
• He made a comment about dropping a woman off at Niagra if she didn't please him
• He made more promises about how he would treat the 'right' one
• He mixed compliments with rude disrespectful behaviour 
• He talked fast and pushed the conversation to where he wanted it, which in this instance ended with his happy ending....

He obviously has a huge mommy issue. I asked if he was talking on his cell while driving and if so I'd let him go. He got angry and accused me of mothering him and he didn't need a mother, how dare I? He was an educated man who could do what he wanted.

I wanted to see where this would go, mainly cause I was bored and attention is attention after all.... He came up with some fantasy that I agreed to be a part of and he kept going on about how I was one of the special ones because he usually didn't feel so turned on so fast. Using the you're special line. Except how special is someone who you don't know and doesn't care at all about you or whether or not they are special to you?

In the end he came.... They usually always do.... But he screamed out that he hated me as he did.... At first I thought that very odd, but I guess it's better than the whole I love you thing.... Cause how could he either love or hate me? I mean I don't know the guy, he's a voice on the other end of the phone....
The conversation ended and I went on with my day without a second thought about the kid who wanted to enact some stupid fantasy to get his rocks off.... Then he emailed me....

Basically he was taunting me telling me how stupid I was for letting him disrespect me and that if I'd been a lady I'd of hung up the phone. He's right. However, I never claimed to be a lady. I never once said I lived in the land of should and I don't apologize for it.

Here's his last email to me after I said I was a writer researching abusers and predators in the online dating world:

LOL I wrote the book. Easy Women on POF. I did nothing but disrespect you cause you portrayed yourself as such. Obviously this is no way to talk to a lady. A lady don’t talk about threesomes. She hang up the phone. I had no respect for you and you still talked to me. I love it. I slept with exactly 303 women. It’s really high I know. I’m clean get checked. 250 in real life the rest on pof. nothing but single moms looking for love and usuing sex to get it. LOL. I love life. you are stupid. Trust me you even know it. 

Maybe I am stupid. I want to shine a light on online predators, how they talk, how they manipulate, and how they sucker women in. Maybe this guy did get a good laugh, but who is sadder? Me? Him? 

Who feels the need to use mothers the way he does, to make fools of them? What did his mother do to him to make him feel better by making others feel bad? I have love in my life. He doesn't and probably never will considering how many empty experiences he's had trying to make himself feel better by hurting single mothers. 

I knew that he wasn't a 40 year old doctor the minute he opened his mouth on the phone. Educated people talk a certain way. Older men's voices are rougher and richer. Words are my domain and how someone speaks says a lot about them. I knew he wasn't who he'd claimed to be before he let the cat out of the bag. 

What I find sad is that he finds so much pleasure in making single mothers feel terrible. 

How does his joke, game, immaturity effect my life? They don't.... They just give me more material for this blog and my book... Cause every abuser, predator, etc is going into those pages so that others can study how they talk, think, and use their words to manipulate others. 

Even with my eyes wide open I can be pulled in to the manipulations of a predator.... I can just picture Marc having a good laugh at my expense.... That would effect me.... I know that he isn't who he claimed to be. I know that he isn't the man behind the words... I fell for words.... Words on a screen.... The man who wrote those words is nobody.... Still, I hope I would have meant at least a little something to him. 

Bad Date -- It isn't a Funny Story, Why are you Laughing?

I went on a date with this guy I've been talking to for a bit through messages, then texts, then on the phone... Seemed like a nice enough guy. Smart etc. I was looking forward to meeting him finally and having a drink or two.

Well.... His first question was why did I become a writer.

The answer has to do with meeting a survivor of a war in the nineties. His story touched me as it was one of survival during a very difficult time. He survived starvation, a long trek through the wilderness, wild animals, sickness, gunfire and bomb attacks. In no way was this man's story funny, it was tragic and inspirational.

As I related this story to my date he laughed and made jokes about animals growing big and fat that year. He laughed at my story line and the plot of my novel. My work. My creative expression.

I get that tragic serious stories can make some people uncomfortable, but to make jokes? To laugh at the plot and make fun of it?

He never called or contacted me after that date .... And I was relieved.

Are Dominant Men are Cold and Cruel?

When Dominant men start to play, they turn down the thermostat of their words, feelings, and attitude. When I first start talking with a Dominant man he is kind, warm, and interesting. Then he starts in with questions about my past sexual experiences, sexual fantasies, and so forth, which on the surface seems intimate. It's anything but.

It's about control, knowing how to move my desire, and build a wall around him. I think we're having an intimate conversation, we're not, it's a distraction so I won't notice the wall that protects him. Intimacy is about getting to know someone, getting inside them, and learning about who they are, not just sex. When the guy finally transforms to full on dominant he is cold, calculating, and cruel. His words are sharp and cut deep with the full purpose of making me hate myself.

Except they tell me it's only play. I should be able to separate the two, I should be able to have a strong enough self esteem to not care about the words. Certain words yes. I can in the moment ignore as pretend, but when they try to use these words in emails, IMs, etc sometimes they can go too far.

I have a lot of emotional pain, a lot of lies that I believe, it is sometimes hard for me to know what is truth and what is pretend. Men make me feel like the only thing I'm good for is sex... both dominant and non dominant men only want to have sex with me. None have wanted to get to know me. All the pressure to have sex and the sex talk only leaves me feeling worse about myself. One man told me that I should know that I'm better than just sex, I'm good for cleaning up and cooking too.... I almost cried.

My ex tells me that men only want me for my tits. My son told me that I shouldn't be picky because I'm a forty year old, overweight, housewife, with a two kids, a crappy job and I live in a basement suite. In other words, I have nothing to offer a man.

It's the cruel words Dominant men use to humiliate and degrade that hurt. They are supposed to make you want to please them. It works. It works because you feel you are so terrible you don't deserve better and you just want someone to love you. Many, like me, are imprinted to view being controlled, pushed around, belittled, as love. The niceties other men give us, all those great compliments, make us feel uncomfortable, unworthy, and lied to. We are abused and are only comfortable with being abused.

A few men I've talked to were abusive jerks with very little intelligence and I usually ended up laughing at them from my end of the computer screen. Yes, that's mean, but how they view women is so far from the reality of who we are, it's laughable. These men are looking for vulnerable, desperate, weak women with no self esteem. They want to control a woman 24/7 and basically almost think for her. They are the extreme of my ex husband. I would not classify them as true dominants, but rather controlling selfish abusers, who can't truly care for a woman because they see them only as property to humiliate and degrade all the time. 

Some men have been very normal and friendly in the real world. Interesting, smart, successful, and even thoughtful. However, the minute the game starts they change dramatically. This is the type of man I like to play with, as long as the play is only in the bedroom and the rest of our correspondence is normal, real, and respectful. As long as he is only a cold hearted jerk in play and a loving kind protector when finished. This is a hard man to find. 

Marc, the first dominant man to find me, the only one to possess me, is like two different people. At first he was this interesting, kind, thoughtful man. Then he became Master and that person was cold, unfeeling, hurtful with his words. Then Marc would periodically come back to say wonderful things about me, my character, my looks, my mind. He did this to keep me on his hook, to play with me, make me think he cared. He knew exactly what to say to make me feel good about myself and he did help me through the storm of my separation.  The only problem was, he'd disappear for weeks, pulling further and further away until I couldn't see him anymore. Until I'd had enough of being ignored and walked away. 

I am two different people. In the real world I am a self assured, confident woman. Deep underneath that though is a submissive, hurting woman with a low self esteem. Both are compartmentalized away from each other and I don't even know how to access the weaker wounded one intentionally. 

I believe most dominant men have two identities also. They have a mask that they wear when they play that hides their real selves, their vulnerable selves. Finding men who want to play a dominant role in the bedroom is easy.  Finding the one with the right mixture of cold, warm, and hot is proving to be a challenge. 

My Daughter does NOT want me to Date

My daughter had a melt down yesterday when we were on her way to her dad's where she was going to stay while I went to a friends place in Vancouver. I didn't understand why she was freaking out until she said, I know more than you think I do.

I immediately stopped my car on the side of the road and asked her what she was talking about.... Well she didn't believe that I was just going to hang out with Dani, so while I was in the shower she went into my room grabbed my computer and went through my emails to find out what I was up to. NOT good... Yes I know I should have closed out my user profile before shutting off my computer. In my defence, she never uses my computer without asking first and I was in a hurry.  Not good enough, I still should have shut my user name off automatically.

She read the latest email from Marc and although it wasn't sexually explicit and told me wonderful things he thought about me that were not sexual, he still called me his whore and that is NOT what any mother wants their daughter to read about them. I can understand how she was scared, one I'd lied to her about what I was really doing and two, she'd read emails that were not for her eyes.

There were lots of tears and apologies. I told her I was sorry for emailing the adult content words I had been emailing and that I was not planning on having sex with my dates that weekend, but yes I was dating.

Considering how much fear I put into her about talking online to people she didn't know and the dangers of doing stupid things, like sending pictures of herself.... she was freaking out about my safety. A long conversation and tears on my part going over my fears of being alone and no one wanting to date me. I explained that I was stupid to be playing adult email sex games, but I found it therapeutic due to issues I had.

She kept saying that she only had one childhood and we've ruined it by getting divorced and then talking to other people. While explaining my actions I told her more about how my childhood was ruined at the age of two and the effects it has had, which is the reasons for the types of words in my emails and how I don't want her to feel the way I do. I want her to be happy and innocent, however, she is twelve and that innocence is starting to be eroded by media, friends, and unfortunately, me. I wish she never saw what she read and I wish I had been more careful...

We talked about her fears, my fears, and what she read. We talked about how I would not be going back to her dad and she agreed that she didn't want me to be with him. By the end of our conversation she was encouraging me to go on dates and find someone to spend time with. She wasn't afraid anymore, wanted me to be happy and understood my fears. We started talking more about what was acceptable and what wasn't.

I cancelled four dates and I'm going to spend the rest of the long weekend with her. I hope to fix some damage and be as honest as I can be with her about adult dating. I need to try to quell her fears and start behaving like an adult and not an insecure little teenager.

UPDATE:

Before my last date I told my daughter where I was going and what I was doing. We talked briefly and she was alright with the idea by the time I left. Later she told me that she didn't worry about me and was a lot more calmer than the times I told her I was going out to meet a friend or just going out for a drink.... That tells me I've done the right thing....

The Letch

My date today went from being some what interesting to a complete letch who wouldn't respect my boundaries and refused to acknowledge my discomfort. Some touching I'm ok with on a date in public, hold my hand, put an arm around me, or a quick kiss. This guy took public displays of affection to a new level and when I would pull away or say I needed space he'd be back into my personal space within moments.

I realize my role here... I was not forceful enough and should have just walked away. Reasons I didn't... same as always, some guy was paying attention to me and making me feel wanted. That is huge for me but it doesn't mean it leaves me feeling good about myself or what happened. I didn't realize how bad I felt until after he left and my stomach revolted against me. I'm still feeling ill more than twelve hours later. 

I have no boundaries, never have, they were destroyed at a very young age and I am still trying hard to build them. My upbringing trained me to put men first, to see their needs as more important, to see them as more important. It's not that my mother meant that to be the lesson she taught, it just was. She would then be horrified if I didn't stand up against a man or slept with one. I would be berated and labelled 'bad' because I didn't stand up for myself and demand respect. These mixed messages in my teens left me as two separate people and I'm never sure which one will show up on the date. 

Today the kick ass bitch started the date, but this guy slammed right through that facade to bring out the weaker easily manipulated wounded me. This me doesn't have the skills to protect herself from unacceptable advances. This me has no self respect and men can pick up on that because she has no clear boundaries. She doesn't follow the kick ass bitch's rules because the feel of being with a man is so comforting and nice. Yet, men scare the living daylights out of her because all they've done is use and abuse her. That girl needs to stay in her box. 

I don't like that weak, broken, hurting, insecure part of me. I try to keep her boxed up behind a wall, but this letch kept coming until he broke the wall and then there were no boundaries left. He did what he wanted and kept trying to 'sell me' on more. I was finally able to get him to leave, but only because I said I was meeting a friend. At first he wanted to escort me to her place. When I said she was meeting me there, he wanted to wait with me... there was no friend, no car, no way to get away. Finally, he left and I walked to the closest coffee shop to wait until following and jumping on the next train home. 

What lesson did I learn? Have an escape plan. Have a way out of the situation. Do not allow the kick ass bitch to be trampled down just because he's confident, persistent, and forceful. I have too much to learn and too much to build up. It's not an easy process but I'll get there.

Online Dating Profiles - Good, Bad, & Ugly.

I spend too much time reading online dating profiles, most of which are terrible. Here are some tips on how to market yourself better in a profile. 

1. The first two sentences. 

The amount of profiles that start off, I don't know what to write here, I'm new to this online dating thing, or my personal favourite - Just ask.  These sentences are not good openers. 

Your first two sentences have to 'hook' the reader and draw them in so make sure they sound confident and tell the prospective date why he or she should contact you. Who you are, who you're looking for. 

Some examples of decent starts are: 

I am easy going and down to earth. Would love to find someone the same. Nice conversation would be wonderful and a lot of laughter.I enjoy travel, a warm beach with an umbrella drink. 

Looking for friends and activity partners. Wanting to try some new adventures this spring, any ideas? Right now doing some martial arts, gym, jogging.

I have been an outdoors person all my life and I love being around water... whether ocean or lake. I would like to meet someone to laugh with and get to know without any pressures of things becoming too serious.


2. The Headline.

Most dating sites allow for a headline to your profile. Some I've seen are terrible, for example here are some bad headlines from a popular dating site.:

...........    -This says you're too lazy or not intelligent enough to come up with something.

Seeing whats out here...   - This says you aren't serious about meeting someone, maybe even married.

Ready to run   - Not sure where this guy is running off to.

insearch of soulemate   - Make sure you can spell soulmate if you're looking for one.

Looking for chemistry   - This says hey I just want sex...

Some Good Examples are:

Looking for a fun smart lady  -  Tell them what you are looking for

UEFA not UFC. Violins not violence. Wine not whine  - Show what type of person you are
Lets get out and play....even in the rain - Say what you like to do
Leonard looking for Penny -  Use Pop Culture to say who you are and what you want

3. The Profile.

Do not leave this section blank or write that you'll get to it later. The point is to tell people who you are and why they should either contact you or respond to you, use it. Write three sections and break each into small paragraphs with lots of white space. 

Section 1. Who you are looking for. 

Describe the person you are looking for. There are many ways to do this, use your personality. If you consider yourself funny, use humour. If you consider yourself serious, be serious. If you consider yourself educated, use big words. Just be you.

Section 2. Who are you. 

Describe those features that best describe you. Those things you want people to like about you or know you for. What are your values, your likes, your personality, your belief system. Once again inject your personality into your words. Flirt and be creative. Whatever you do don't write - I don't know what you..... Really? You are you, be proud of that and tell the world who you are.

Section 3. What are you looking for. 

Are you looking for casual or serious? Do you just want to date or do you want a long term relationship? Describe what you believe a relationship is and how each person should be. Do you like big romantic gestures? Or is coffee being made for you in the morning enough? Do you want equality in a relationship or traditional gender roles? What strengths do you bring to a relationship? 

Make sure the way you fill out each section reflects your personality.  Use one of the following formats or make up your own if you are unique!

1. Point form. Make a list written in point form to communicate what you value in a partner.

2. Story. Tell a story about what you want a partner to be like in a certain situation

3. Paragraph. Write a short concise paragraph outlining exactly what you are looking for. 

4. Photos

Photos are the most important part of online dating profiles because we are all shallow and looking for someone we are attracted to, so make sure your photos are good. 

Most women profiles show that they put some thought and care into their pics because they realize how they look matters to men. On the other hand, men don't seem to understand that how they look does matter to women. 

Your main profile pic should show just your face... no friends, no exotic place behind you, no relatives, no kids... Make sure it's a good pic of your face. Not photogenic? Well put some effort into yourself, hair, face, clothes, and get someone who knows what they are doing to take pics of you when you aren't trying to pose for them. The best pics are the ones that are taken when you are relaxed and don't know someone snapped the picture. 

Other pics... Do not in anyway put up a pic of you with someone of the opposite sex. I don't care if it's your best friend, your sibling, your long lost cousin... The prospective date won't know and will assume that it's an ex. Pics of you with friends is great as a group shot, not just two people getting a close up. However, your friends may not want to be on your online dating profile, so maybe blur out their faces. 

Pics with kids... I'm mixed here. On one hand I want to see that you are a good parent, on the other, I don't think images of kids belong on a dating profile. This one is mixed.

I spend my time looking at guys profiles and men, I got to tell you something... Start thinking about what women will think is cool and not what your guy friends do. If you want a woman who will go dirt biking with you, by all means put up picks of your dirt bike. If you want a woman who will fish, then fishing picks are perfect. However, I don't know a lot of women who like to spend their time getting dirty or waiting around for a fish to bite. 

Then there are pics of men and their toys... Yes some women are all about the flash and the toys. If that's the kind of woman you want to attract, by all means keep posting them. If you want a woman who likes you for who you are and not what you have, leave the toys at home until you know she likes you for you... Then spring them on her. 

Put up pics of you doing things you'd want a woman to do with you. If dirt biking is a guys only activity for you, don't advertise it. Think about your profile from the opposite sex's point of view. Can't do that? Ask a friend of the opposite sex to tell you what they think your profile is saying about you.

Men shirts off, women all cleavage. What do these pictures say to you? If you are looking for hook ups and casual sex, these photos will communicate that. If you are not, well maybe cover up. 

Make sure there is a full body pic, even if you know your body isn't fabulous.... why waste time getting to know someone who won't appreciate you for all of you? Hiding your body is only going to make others suspicious about what it is your hiding and when you meet in the real world, they are not going to stick around because they'll feel duped. No they won't like you once they get to know you, because they won't stick around long enough to get to know you. 

I'm overweight and I've got huge breasts. When I had my full body pic up I received lots of rude comments asking to see them uncovered, asking how big they are, etc. I finally just wrote a note on the pic saying don't be rude and just deleted the rude messages because I didn't want to meet those guys in the real world. I still get messages from men who like what they see, good looking men, hot fit men, I can't explain it, but some 'hot' guys like soft curvy women. Don't sell yourself short. The guys that are hung up on weight, you don't want to meet them in the real world because you will have very little in common. 

Make sure your photos show what kind of person you are. Are you professional? casual? fun? flirty? sexy? slutty? upper crust? or down to earth? All your photos should show you at your best and tell the full story about who you are. Make sure you have a pic of you the clothes you wear to work, in clothes you wear out on a date, clothes you wear around the house.... Just make sure they are all good photos. 

Think about how you analyze an online dating profile. Chances are someone is looking at yours the exact same way.

The Pain of Loneliness

I'm lonely. Ever been hit with that painful emptiness deep inside your gut. That hole demanding to be filled making your skin crave the touch of the opposite sex? Ever need to be held so badly that it is the only thing you can think of? Everyone is lonely at times and after a divorce that loneliness and new found freedom can catapult us into destructive behaviours, or into the arms of toxic men / women.

I am currently reading Toxic Men, by Lillian Glass. It's an easy read and an eye opener in so many ways about why my marriage slipped off the rails. I brought out the worst in my ex and he in turn brought out the worst in me. I shut down and stopped trying, which only escalated our issues and lead to our separation. Now, I'm lonely and am making bad decisions when it comes to the world of online dating because I just want some attention.

The problem with trying to find that attention online is it's not real until you meet in the real world. Too many predators, scammers, hook up artists, and insincere babies will find you online when you are at your most vulnerable. Manipulators will tell you lies to gain information you willingly tell them, hoping it will draw them closer to you. Rules and boundaries you put up for yourself can be easily broken when you are desperate enough. Lines that should be cemented in the ground, become dust. Loneliness can lead us to make dangerous choices we wouldn't otherwise make.

What seems like innocent fun, a game, can become an obsession. What seems real is only a fantasy, which can feel more exciting than reality. What seems innocent can turn harmful to those you love. It can push them away and when they find out your secret, it can destroy them.

Loneliness is a stabbing pain of emptiness deep inside our gut, ripping through the body to pour out our eyes into a sea of regret. It is a dull ache behind our hearts that flows into empty arms that crave to hold another warm loving body. Loneliness can lead to depression, destruction, desperation, but it doesn't have to.

If you are busy with friends and making new friends, not dates online, you will be too busy to feel that pain. Still feel it? Start working on loving yourself, defining what you want out of life and creating a plan to go after it. Volunteer. Call a friend. Join a group. Take a class. Read non fiction. Find something that will occupy your mind and your body while helping you to grow as a person.

Try not to watch romantic movies or read romance novels. Hollywood's version of romance is flawed, it isn't love and if it hurts you, why bother? They are only stories, not real, only fantasy. Yes, fantasy can be a happier place to be, however you'll never find love in the real world if you don't live in it.

What do you do to stave off the loneliness?

Do Dominant Men Abuse Submissive Women?

The Game of 51 series has started out as a study in Dominance and Submission and whether or not it is a loving relationship or an abusive one. At first glance it is very easy to see how it is abusive because of it's unequal power structure and reliance on BDSM.

There are so many questions and different opinions, many of them extremely emotionally charged.

I was talking with one dominant man about abuse and BDSM. He asked me some poignant questions before saying he could never do what he does if his partner felt she was being abused. That begs the question, will a submissive woman whose only desire is to please her dominant tell him the truth? Or will she lie about how she feels to continue to please him? Or does she even really know if she is abused or not?

Every time I get an answer from one of these men I end up with more questions.

Keep in mind that I am only talking with them, I have never been in a D/S arrangement even though I believe I am a submissive woman. So I am not talking from experience and am not an expert on the subject, far from it. That said I still can form opinions, ask questions, and come up with ideas on the topic.

I believe that abuse in a D/S dynamic arrangement is a very fine line that a Dominant man must always be aware of, more so than non-Dominant men in vanilla relationships. Any relationship can become abusive where one person has more power than the other one, the intrinsic power play of a D/S relationship can make it an easy line to cross if the submissive is not given any chance to voice her feelings honestly without fear of punishment.

From what I've learned from talking to these men, they do not view their partner as an equal, some even view them as I would a child in terms of power and treatment. These men admit they are extremely selfish and need a woman who will please them with no expectation of any reciprocation. So the question becomes what does the woman in this situation get from the arrangement?

In a regular relationship a man and woman come together out of love and a desire to give to and care for each other. The D/S relationship is no different, except the expectations, wants, and desires are agreed to up front after a long Q & A process and one person is the giver while the other one is the caretaker. One makes all the decisions, while the other expedites those decisions. It's like a boss and a worker arrangement without the exchange of wages. A Dominant is kind of like an employer who looks out for his employee and ensures she has what she needs to get the job done.

For some Submissives the fact that they can arouse their Dominant and please him in the bedroom gives them a feeling of power and satisfaction. Whether or not they ever receive a physical release is mute to them because their motivation is to please and they find power in that. For others its the structure and the boundaries that give them security because they are unable to create boundaries for themselves.

I trained my dog to go for walks without a leash and the other day I noticed something. When I don't use a leash he is constantly checking where I am in relation to himself. He stays next to me and is constantly looking up at me to make sure he's doing 'good.' When I put him on a leash he pulls, explores, stops to smell things, is freer to take in his environment because he knows the leash will only let him go so far and he is safe to just 'be.' That's how some Submissives feel when it comes to the rules and boundaries, i.e. the leash, that their Dominants have established for them. I'm not saying they are dogs, just using my dog's walking habits to explain the point.

Abuse comes into the arrangement when the needs of the Submissive are not met. When beating her down to make her feel worse, so he can feel better, is the main objective of the Dominant man. When a Submissive does not have the power to leave because she is without funds, support, or opportunity. Emotions and feelings could lead a Submissive to stay in an abusive relationship in hopes she will receive what she needs to be happy. Conditioning could lead a Submissive to stop caring for herself as a person and become abused. So a Dominant man must always be aware of his Submissive's needs, feelings, and happiness. In a D/S relationship responsibility is on the Dominant, even ensuring he doesn't abuse his charge and she is well cared for.

Dominant and Submission is a complex arrangement based on trust and honesty more than any other type of relationship. I still have a million questions, but they won't all be answered because like all relationships, each one is unique. Each Dominant is motivated for different reasons, each Submissive is motivated for different reasons. Some are happy loving relationships, some are sex only arrangements, some are abusive. The hardest hurdle I had in understanding this world was seeing a D/S relationship as first and foremost a relationship, just like any other.

Date with a Great Guy ... Why did it go South?

I met an older man for coffee the other day, no expectations, didn't think I'd like him. He was late and there was nothing overly attractive about him, he was average in looks, but not average in intelligence. He dominated the conversation, which was fine with me, with stories about his life, his points of view, his beliefs, and passions. He was very interesting and that made him sexier to me as time went on. We had some good philosophical discussions, we talked about our kids, our lives, and our work. Coffee lasted four hours... Time just flew...

As he left, he told me he'd come my way next time for fish & chips by the dock and he was looking forward to it. Later that night, he sent me an email thanking me for a great time and he was looking forward to meeting with me again. I waited until the next day to return his email with compliments about how interesting I found him and that I too wanted to meet again. Then he emailed again, saying he wanted to meet up again soon. I waited another day and then sent him a note saying I was coming his way on Saturday, would he want to meet up for coffee again? I received a response that night saying that would be great and that he was free all day! Perfect right? 

Soon after that email, I receive another one from him stating that although he really enjoyed coffee with me, he wanted to make it clear that this was not a date, as he didn't want to come between me and my husband getting back together. 

Ah... What? 

I thought hard about what I said about my marriage and separation... I never once said we were working things out, or I ever had any intention of working things out. I never said it was an abusive marriage, however I did say we were finished and both moving on. I'd even mentioned I helped my ex with his online dating profile hoping he'd find someone new quickly. I purposely did not say anything bad about Chris, but I sure as h e double hockey sticks did not say anything nice about our marriage either. I barely talked about it. 

I don't get it. 

I emailed him back saying that I was up for a just friends coffee and needed the mental stimulus of smart people in my life. I also mentioned that there was no chance of me going back into my abusive marriage and that I'd stayed so long it had actually harmed my children, not helped them. I also mentioned that my situation was my problem and not one I was looking for another person to solve for me.... Just in case he thought that... 

My feelings are raw right now... I am hurting ... Plus in therapy I am working on the whole why do I feel like I don't deserve to be loved, respected, valued, cared about, etc thing. That's probably why my first reaction was, what is wrong with me? Why don't men want to date me? 

Rationally, I know there is nothing wrong with me. I did everything right. This is his hang up, not mine.  Still it stings that he wouldn't want to date me. I know I need friends more than dates, I need to build a support system not a string of affairs. Still, a huge part of me is desperate to feel desired, wanted, needed.

UPDATE:

Turns out that it's not my marriage he's worried about getting in the way of. He's worried I'll get in the way of him getting his wife back. He's still in love with his wife four year later and isn't ready to date, but is open to friendship with me to help stave off the loneliness. Insert eye roll here... Next time buddy, just be honest. I'm still open to be friends... Always good to have friends, you never know who he knows.

Nice Guys - Why Don't I Want One?

We've all heard the adage, nice guys finish last. I feel for these guys because they really are trying hard and recently I tried to meet 'nice guys' online and find some kind of chemistry with them. Each time it turned into a disaster. They shower me with their attention and I leave the coffee shop asking myself, why don't I deserve to be loved, cared about, cherished?

I do deserve to be loved, cared about, cherished, treated like a queen. Yet, after these socially awkward dates with nice guys, I feel like I don't, but what I'm really asking is ... Why don't I deserve to be loved, cared about, and cherished by Marc (or men like him.)? I'm not saying Marc is a bad boy type, he just chooses to be unavailable, so he keeps me at arms length, but within easy reach in case I decide I want to wonder off and shut a door between us.

It's not that I don't have access to men willing to give me the attention and the love I crave, it's that I don't want them to. It has nothing to do with how they look, as some of them are quite cute.  I sit through coffee while they keep telling me how beautiful I am, how smart, how special, how wonderful. I keep trying to talk about other things and they bring the conversation back to complimenting me and making grandiose promises about how they'll treat me or what they'll give me. If they aren't talking about me, they are giving me their sob story about how lonely they are, how much they want to have someone like me to love them. Either way I feel nervous and self-conscious. 

Their promises to give me things or take care of me make me uncomfortable. If they buy me something it makes me feel obligated. I haven't done anything to deserve a gift. I don't feel right letting them pay because we aren't dating, going forward, and if they constantly tell me how good looking they think I am, it isn't going any further than coffee. 

Their compliments make me feel bad about myself because I don't believe them. I'm used to being criticized and put down. I am used to being told I'm only so good and will never amount to anything more than a wife. My whole life has been limited by people who control me and keep me under their control using hurtful words and limitations. So when a stranger is telling me how beautiful I am or how much they want to take care of me, it makes my skin crawl. I don't believe they mean it or that I deserve  it. I start thinking there must be something wrong with me and start to question why I don't deserve love.  

A man like Marc may say I look nice when they meet me, once, but that's it, they don't beat me over the head with it. The compliments they give me are few, well placed, and sincere, they are like crumbs that I lap up and keep looking for more. I want more, so I obsess trying to figure out how to please them to get more. It is a game and it works. 

I was talking to a nice guy, a down on his luck type, trying to explain to him why women brushed off nice guys. How being constantly complimented only made me anxious and did not inspire affection for him. How it would have been better to say nothing about how I look, how great I am, or how much I deserved. How it would be better to talk about life, work, global news, anything but what he thought of me. He wasn't impressed with my assessment of how he should interact and ended the coffee meet. 

It's not that I'm looking for some jerk who will, disrespect me, tear me down, or abuse me. I'm not. I am looking for a confident man who knows what he wants, is very busy with work and can handle independence from his woman. A man who is secure enough in himself that he can support me in my weaknesses and allow me to support him in his. A man who will help me when I need it and will give me space to solve my own problems when I want to. A man who won't constantly judge me and will want to see me succeed in life as a writer.

I have a lot of healing and strength building to get to a point where I will deserve such a man. When I've done the work to rebuild myself, I will not settle for anything less though. By then, not only will I deserve the love of such a man, but I will believe that I do.

He's Not That into Me - How I Changed That - Briefly.

Marc is an ideal, an obsession, a man who flits in and out of my email to keep me on his hook, each time keeping me obsessing over him, but last week I changed that. How? Simple, I stopped caring and put on my kiss ass Bitch hat. -- Yeah I made that sound easier than it is. However, it is a mind switch - thinking instead of feeling. Ah huh? Let me explain...

When I was obsessing about Marc, constantly searching for his emails, stalking him on the dating site, I was motivated by my feelings. Loneliness, hurt, abandonment, and self loathing. Yes, self loathing. I did not feel worthy of being treated better than he was treating me. The other men I've met who are making grand gestures, saying wonderful things about me, and promising to treat me right make me uncomfortable and I hated myself even more.

That statement may not make a lot of sense, I mean how do 'nice' compliments from 'nice guys' make me hate myself more? They do because I don't believe them, compliments are foreign to me, and they make me nervous. I leave the conversation asking myself what is wrong with me? Why can't I just like someone who sees me as an amazing woman? Why don't I deserve to be cherished, loved, cared for? Why do I feel more comfortable being treated like a Whore by Marc? Why do I feel more comfortable being constantly criticized? Why do I feel more comfortable feeling worthless, unloveable, unworthy, and invaluable? The answer - I am a survivor of life long abuse.

The first thing I did was to write on post it notes stating I am worthy, valuable, loveable, and deserving of love, success, and respect. Next, I did not email Marc, until he finally emailed me and during that time I wrote and rewrote an email stating how wonderful I am and exactly what I wanted, where my boundary was. His response was positive. More positive than I would have imagined and lastly, I wasn't there to respond every time he emailed me back.... which resulted in him emailing me again and chasing me again.

I use my mind to tell myself over and over I do not care if he disappears, I do not care if he is talking with other women, I do not care if he is sleeping with other women. I do not care if he contacts me or if he doesn't. I keep telling myself this over and over and over..... One day I'll believe it. Right now though I am acting like I believe it and it's producing more communication from him. He is stepping closer. He likes me more as a confident woman instead of the insecure school girl.

The full email I wrote and his full response will be in one of the future Game of 51 books.



Here is some of what I wrote him:


I have a choice.... I can accept what you are offering or I can walk away.... I know what you want... sex... no strings attached.... no icky romantic feelings...  I've always known this... and I chose you.... 

So what if I'm not a priority to you? I can't do anything about how you feel about me. I have no control over you. You will either take me or leave me.... I am who I am, I don't play games, I tell it like I see it and I can rationalize my feelings -- eventually, once I understood the boundaries and expectations.

Once I comprehended that you were serious about me. Once I felt secure in my role with you, I could manage my reaction to not being a priority. 

If you don't want me - nothing I can do about it. No use getting all upset.... I was stupid to get upset before. I'm a very passionate, smart, giving, submissive woman -- take it or leave it -- that's me. I can't be anything else or anyone else.... You'll contact me or you won't. You'll show up or you won't. Either way -- I'll survive. 

His initial response:


Your previous letter was quite insightful of you, and of yourself and how you are viewing your life. I see you progressing above my expectations of you. You are becoming more confident, more sure of yourself, more positive. That pleases me. 



Yes he contacted me more, chased me a bit, but then went silent again. I can't do anything about that. I can only control myself and how I react. Do I want to chase a man who only wants sex and nothing else? No. Do I want to chase a man who only sees me as a whore to use? No. Do I want to chase Marc? No. Am I still obsessed with him? Yes.

I need a life. I need to meet other people in the real world and work on my own self image. I have to get busy and as I get busier and meet friends who are healthy for me and supportive of me, I will eventually learn how to love myself and men like Marc will not be able to get a hold on me.

I still feel blessed for knowing Marc, he was there when I needed him. God has used him to help bring me out of an abusive marriage, to help me understand control, dominance, and submission. The nice compliments Marc has given me have rung true to my heart and helped me to like myself more. The amazing supportive words he has provided me have helped me to stand up to those who are controlling in my life and have helped me to create boundaries. He has helped me figure out what I want and has opened me up to sexuality where just four months ago I couldn't even admit I had sex with my husband.

He has been a blessing. I hope he will continue to be in my life, however, it's up to me if he is, I must see him for who he is, what he wants from me, and expect no more from him. I have a choice, take what he is offering me or walk away. I chose him. Now it's up to me to find ways to not obsess, to have a life, and maybe one day I'll find the man I really want to have a life with.

He's just NOT into Me.... Too Bad....

I've been reading a lot about dating, relationships, and how men think.... Yes ladies they do think and not just with the little head, although that one seems to be the dominant thinker sometimes.

I remember way back in my University days when John Grey made a big splash with his Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars book, learning about how men like to pull back, go into their cave. I agree with this statement, but at some point they have to come out and if they don't, I think there might be a problem.

Marc's disappeared again... Yes I know, big red flashing lights telling me to bail out.

I read a blog post online about the signs that he just might not be that into you... Guess what, According to this dating coach, Marc's behaviour tells me he's just not that into me. However, every time I call him on it, ask him if he wants to end our arrangement or walk away myself, he comes back and gets closer to me. Damn the man.

This time I'm taking control of myself back. I am not going to tell him I want closure. I've just stopped emailing him first. Trust me this is hard, very hard. I so want to tell him about my day, how things are going with the divorce, especially since I'm so proud of myself for doing so much.

Well, to satisfy myself I write the email and leave it in the drafts folder. If he ever contacts me I'll have an email already to go. If he doesn't email me... I didn't make a fool of myself, yet again.

Every time I say I'm done with him, ask him to release me, he comes back opening himself a bit more to me and I fall for it. Why? Because he scores high on some arbitrary checklist I have about what the perfect man looks like? No. Because I'm a stupid girl with no self respect? Although it feels that way, No. Because he's got magic powers? Definitely not.

I keep going back because I can't have him and I'm in love with the IDEA of him. He is my main character in my Game of 51 Series, he's mysterious, intelligent, interesting, powerful, and has a hold on me - hook line and sinker. I want him because I'm not in control of him. I want him because he is unattainable. It's a game, a contest, a competition. It's not the man I want, but the prize of winning.

It's manipulation 101 - I can see every manipulation he's made, every word, every technique, every string he pulled. I intentionally ignored every one. Why? For a book? Maybe, but doubtful. I ignored the red flags for the attention, the experience, the feelings he stirred inside me.

I have to remember, he's just words on a screen. He's not real. He's only a manipulator who can type a good game.

I've stopped looking to see if he's on the dating site talking to other women. I've updated my own profile and started talking to other men again. At some point I will meet someone who is real, who will think I am special, and who will want me as much as I will want them. At that point, Marc's words on a screen will only be a memory.

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for his words. They have given me so much during a very difficult time in my life. He has offered me support, been there when I needed him to be, and he made me feel sexy again. He gave me confidence and helped me to feel after years of emotional numbness.

He may not be into me. Our run may or may not be over. But his appearance in my life meant something to me. It helped me. No matter how hurt I'll be if this is it, I'll always be thankful for the attention he did give to me.

I'm Obsessed With a Man

I need to get a grip. I am obsessed with Marc. I can't get him out of my head, haven't been able to since he first winked at me four months ago. He has been manipulating me the whole time. I can see the manipulation techniques as they happen and I still step toward him willingly. I want what he is offering but I need to stop.

Every time he goes silent to bring me closer I go insane. I can't stop emailing him, jumping up and down saying "Hey don't forget about me."

Yesterday I noticed he was chatting on the online dating site I met him on and so what do I do.... sent him 4 emails. First one.. Hey thinking about you... second and third... questions about what I should be expecting from whatever this is with him and the last email was let's just say I don't expect to hear from him any time soon. I was quite depressed by the time I wrote it.  -- Started out with me saying call me when he was in town for sex and I'd write him a bill on my way out the door right after he used me.... Not very sexy.

Really pathetic. Completely desperate. The absolutely wrong thing to do.....

The reason I'm obsessing over this jerk is I have no life. I now live on my own. I work from home. I moved into a small apartment so all my hobby crap went into storage. I need to get out. I need to get busy. I need to figure out what things I need to do to be happy. I need to meet other people, both men and women... In other words, I need a life.

If I can get a life then I won't be looking for Marc's emails. I won't be around for his calls. I won't be available for video sex... now that was a hot experience.... One I can't wait to write about in my series the Game of 51.  If I'm not available then he'll either write me off or start obsessing over me.... either way I'll be happier.

If he writes me off then I'm finally free of the hold he has over me. If he starts obsessing over me then I'll hear from him more and the benefits of that are hot... really hot... and satisfying....

I have just gone through a really terrible time in my life leaving me depressed. Marc is my distraction. The thing that makes me feel good for about 5 seconds and I crave that happy feeling. Problem is, when I am not getting his attention the absence of that 'happy feeling' leaves me even more depressed.

Any ideas about what to do to stay occupied and stop obsessing over a man? I prefer meeting another man.... whenever I do it works well, until the other man becomes a dud..... Usually the minute I meet him in the real world. Are there any decent single men out there?

Book 3 Released - The Game of 51: Confessions of an Online Dater.

 Book 3 of The Game of 51 Series has been released. 

Morgan has made her decision and jumped into the abyss with no guarantees. She desires Marc, but his attention comes with a price. Can she be what he wants? The fantasy of submission drives her lust, but when faced with the reality of being a sex slave it's all too real. Morgan must come to terms with her mind, her fears, and her body's desires because Marc is demanding she give all or nothing

Morgan Pellitier is a forty year old woman recently separated from her husband. She has gone online to find love only to find a man who wants to dominate her and she is helpless to stop him. Follow the series The Game of 51: Confessions of an Online Dater as Morgan IMs with men, manages her life, and lusts after a man she knows she shouldn't. In Book 3: Forgiveness she has agreed to become Marc's sex slave but she had no idea what she was in for. 

Click to download your free ebook, pdf, or various other files. 

Sample: (It was hard to find a clean enough sample...)

I’m constantly looking for messages from Marc and it’s annoying. He hasn’t contacted me in three days. I know three whole days, big whoop, that’s normal. I know it is, but I need his attention. It’s the attention, the conversation, the power of words. I enjoy the banter, the flirting, the slow revelations of one’s self. It’s the mystery of the messages, who is he? What is he? and Is this the one who can fulfill me? 

I’m online yet again. I seem to be addicted to talking to strange men. These other guys are just a distraction from my loneliness when Marc is not talking to me. I’ve seen him online on the dating site talking to other women, trying to meet someone new. That doesn’t bother me, what bother’s me is that he’s ignoring me. He isn’t sending me a quick email to say that he’s thinking about me. He isn’t making our arrangement a priority and I’m not sure what to do. 

I’m supposed to be his slave now. I’m still not sure what that means and I have so many questions. The good thing about the internet is that it’s a whole host of information and people willing to talk to me, answer my questions, help me. If Marc won’t answer my questions than maybe someone else will, like this guy I’m IMing with now. He’s a sub looking for a Domme and unlike the last poor boy sub I talked to, this one seems more stable, grounded, and surer of himself.

‘I have yes, since my twenties.’

‘Ever have a long term relationship or has it all been fun play?’

‘I’ve had long term relationships.’

‘I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that a Dom would care about their sub as a person, or care about what they want, or who they are. Any insight you can give me?’

‘I can understand that. I want to find a Domme to please and do as they say.’

‘But that is you caring about what makes the Dom happy. Does the Dom care about what makes a sub happy?’

‘Hmmm. I assume so. But perhaps not overtly.’

‘Don’t you want someone to care about you?’

‘I want to please.’

‘What about you? Don’t you want someone to care about your day, your thoughts, your feelings? If you please a Dom what do you get?’

‘I get to serve.’

‘That’s it? And that’s enough for you?’

‘Perhaps.’

‘Don’t you ever get mad?’

‘No.’

‘See this is what I can’t wrap my head around. A relationship where only one person’s wants matter isn’t very fair.’

‘I do like to please. If I do as I am told then both participate.’

‘I am curious... Obviously... Trying to wrap my head around your world.’

‘I do understand, but if you’re not interested.’

‘I’m not a Domme. I’m just very curious about why someone becomes a sub and if they matter as a person to the Dom.’

‘I am a person.’

‘Exactly. You are. You matter.’

‘Yes. Thank you.’

‘So why not be with someone who knows you matter?’

‘A true Dom cares for a Sub.’

‘Maybe I should explain myself a bit better. I ran into a Dom online. Before I knew it I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I like rough sex etc. But I can’t see myself submitting to someone... I have to matter.’

‘So you are a sub too?’

‘I wouldn’t go that far. Just thinking about it... Maybe... I’m very confused.’

‘Seems so.’

‘That’s why I wanted to ask you so many questions. I can’t get my head around the power dynamic. I don’t know how I can trust someone enough to put myself into their power.’

‘I understand. I want to please. I find happiness in pleasing my Domme. She finds happiness in being pleased. Simple.’

‘Not simple. What about your feelings?’

‘As long as I can serve I am fulfilled.’

‘What about what you want? Need?’

‘A true Dom will make sure I get everything I need. I only want to please.’

‘How do you know you will get what you need if you’re not allowed to voice what you want?’

Creating a Better Online Dating Profile for my Ex

Online dating profiles are marketing pieces and should show you at your best. My ex-husband's online profile was not showing him at his best so I stepped in and helped him out. Until things with our divorce get ugly I am being as nice as possible to ensure stability for the kids. You may think I'm weird or maybe just a doormat, but my motives are anything from pure.

I want him to find someone else as soon as possible. Someone who will make him happy, someone who he can spend time with outside of the house, someone who will take his attention away from me and the kids. 

OK. Now that I've justified myself, I'll explain how I reworked his profile to make it more marketable. 

First pictures. He'd uploaded a bunch of selfies, non of which showed him as approachable, friendly or even nice. They were terrible. He needed pics of him in various situations, all of them with a smile to make him look more approachable and friendly. Plus, one very friendly profile pic showing his face with a smile on it. A good full body shot and the rest of him doing things that he enjoys. 

My girlfriend who found a boyfriend online used a pic that showed her crazy, comedic personality by having a funny crazy look on her face. The pic showed her personality and how pretty she is. Personality is a big part of who someone is so the pics and profile should mirror that. 

The write up. I took out the negative wording in my ex's profile, those things that would limit his response and narrowed his field way too much. KISS - Keep it simple stupid. The first two - three sentences are the most vital. Say who you are and why someone should consider you right away.  For example:

A hardworking, responsible guy with a great outlook on life seeking a long term partner to go boating with. 

A financially secure, responsible, guy with a great sense of humour looking for a woman who loves to laugh and fish to share my life with. 

A smart, confident woman who isn't easily offended and can laugh at herself.  I value honesty and intelligence above all else and am looking to get out of the house, meet people, and try new things.

It's called a hook. It says who you are, what you're looking for and why someone should consider reading your profile. It should be the first sentence in your profile. To create the hook sentence you have to ask questions.

What are my best qualities?

What do men I want look for in a woman? or visa versa

Do I want a long term relationship?

Why would someone want to be with me?

What do I have to offer someone?

With these answers write a sentence or two to highlight those things that matter most and then write about the other stuff. Make sure to put personality into your words, story, phrases. 

Good pics and good copy will help attract more response to your profile. 

My Girlfriend Found a Guy Online

There are decent guys to be found online dating. I went to lunch with the girls and my one friend who has been a single mom of two kids forever told us she has a boyfriend. A really 'nice' guy who she met online. Looking at his profile online she felt he was just a 'nice' guy who'd end up being a good friend, turns out he was better than that.

They had a great time on their first date and as time went on she found herself more and more attracted to him. When he finally kissed her, sparks!!!

They've been together for a month now and she's radiantly happy. I am thrilled for her, even though it means she'll be too busy with him to spend much time with the girls. I hope he turns out to be the Prince her life needs and she deserves.

After talking to all the creeps, perverts, and weirdos I seem to attract, it's nice to know that there is a light somewhere down the line and romance can be found online.

I Give Men Stomach Cramps

This really cute athletic guy messaged me quite a while ago and we've been messaging back and forth a bit. My profile pics started with just my face, then I added one with a bit more cleavage, then one of my full body, over the course of two months I've slowly revealed my overweight hourglass shape to the online dating world. Each pic resulted in this cute athletic guy messaging me again, finally he wanted to meet me.

I knew it was to ogle my boobs, he admitted he was a boob man and that's where his interest in me lay. Sure enough when we met, his eyes were not on my face. I didn't want to feel any obligations so I insisted on buying the coffee and we sat down for a chat.

He was very polite, not forward at all, and although his eyes kept gravitating to my chest we were having a decent conversation. Then he started pulling back in his chair, grabbing at his stomach. His coffee wasn't even half done when he said his stomach hurt so much he had to leave.

I get bad stomach pains, to the point it feels like it's gonna explode inside me so I know stomach pain can be incapacitating. I didn't have any Zantac on me, unfortunately, and he left to go purchase some before making his way home. I was my usual polite, empathetic, understanding self as I sat there in the coffee shop at my table alone with everyone in the room knowing my date had just run for the hills.

Maybe he really had a sudden attack of gastric pain, maybe he didn't. He did message me again but not to reschedule, just a quick ah so sorry to have left you mid sentence but you do have a great attitude. Whatever. I guess we'll see if he contacts me again, but I'm not about to put him on any short list, no matter how cute, no matter how amazing his body is.

I Found my Husband on an Online Dating Site

Legally I'm still married. Hell, we still live under the same roof. However, we are in separate rooms and our marriage is de facto - over, finis ca, done like dinner. I've had an online dating profile for just over a month and it's been a crap show, a real stinker of a deal. I never told my husband I was looking, my kids knew, but not my husband.

The other day I log in and there was his pic... A terrible pic at that... He had finally taken the plunge and I started laughing my head off. I found him in his room and we had a nice long talk about online dating. The creeps I'd been attracting, the rules I'd set in place for myself, and what I was hoping he would find.

In less than twelve hours, with a crappy pic of himself, he had over seventy messages... I never got nearly that many and most everything I got was crap. He got 'hot' chicks, successful women, professionals. I get crap. How fair is that?

I offered to help him get a better pic, I'm a good photographer, but no he wants to do it himself. I tried to help him go through the messages, but no he doesn't want my help. I want him to find someone, I hope he finds someone quickly, then he'll be out with her and away from the house even more.

We talked about the rules, he got mad at me for talking with perverts and writing a book about my experiences, he yelled at me because the kids had found out when I forgot to log off my computer. He went off on me about meeting guys and being careful, like I was some dumb teenager. When I do meet a guy in the real world... I'm not going to be stupid about it. At least I hope I won't be.

Attention makes me feel great, someone wanting me, desiring me, makes me do stupid things. Considering the men I've been IMing with for the sake of a storyline, I'd say I haven't been too intelligent so far. I mean come on, I'm lusting after a man who wants to dominate me. How smart is that? Not very.

His Attention

I've been busy. Marc has been paying attention to me by sending me emails almost every day. He's asking me questions about what I want when we meet and telling me what few things he wants. I still don't know if he's coming to visit or if he is, when. Just the idea that he might be coming is exciting. I'm scared and excited all wrapped into one ball of an emotional storm.

I love all the attention he's been giving me. It's only a couple emails a day, but it's enough to let me know he's thinking about me, wants me, and that he might actually be coming to meet me soon.