Are Dominant Men are Cold and Cruel?

When Dominant men start to play, they turn down the thermostat of their words, feelings, and attitude. When I first start talking with a Dominant man he is kind, warm, and interesting. Then he starts in with questions about my past sexual experiences, sexual fantasies, and so forth, which on the surface seems intimate. It's anything but.

It's about control, knowing how to move my desire, and build a wall around him. I think we're having an intimate conversation, we're not, it's a distraction so I won't notice the wall that protects him. Intimacy is about getting to know someone, getting inside them, and learning about who they are, not just sex. When the guy finally transforms to full on dominant he is cold, calculating, and cruel. His words are sharp and cut deep with the full purpose of making me hate myself.

Except they tell me it's only play. I should be able to separate the two, I should be able to have a strong enough self esteem to not care about the words. Certain words yes. I can in the moment ignore as pretend, but when they try to use these words in emails, IMs, etc sometimes they can go too far.

I have a lot of emotional pain, a lot of lies that I believe, it is sometimes hard for me to know what is truth and what is pretend. Men make me feel like the only thing I'm good for is sex... both dominant and non dominant men only want to have sex with me. None have wanted to get to know me. All the pressure to have sex and the sex talk only leaves me feeling worse about myself. One man told me that I should know that I'm better than just sex, I'm good for cleaning up and cooking too.... I almost cried.

My ex tells me that men only want me for my tits. My son told me that I shouldn't be picky because I'm a forty year old, overweight, housewife, with a two kids, a crappy job and I live in a basement suite. In other words, I have nothing to offer a man.

It's the cruel words Dominant men use to humiliate and degrade that hurt. They are supposed to make you want to please them. It works. It works because you feel you are so terrible you don't deserve better and you just want someone to love you. Many, like me, are imprinted to view being controlled, pushed around, belittled, as love. The niceties other men give us, all those great compliments, make us feel uncomfortable, unworthy, and lied to. We are abused and are only comfortable with being abused.

A few men I've talked to were abusive jerks with very little intelligence and I usually ended up laughing at them from my end of the computer screen. Yes, that's mean, but how they view women is so far from the reality of who we are, it's laughable. These men are looking for vulnerable, desperate, weak women with no self esteem. They want to control a woman 24/7 and basically almost think for her. They are the extreme of my ex husband. I would not classify them as true dominants, but rather controlling selfish abusers, who can't truly care for a woman because they see them only as property to humiliate and degrade all the time. 

Some men have been very normal and friendly in the real world. Interesting, smart, successful, and even thoughtful. However, the minute the game starts they change dramatically. This is the type of man I like to play with, as long as the play is only in the bedroom and the rest of our correspondence is normal, real, and respectful. As long as he is only a cold hearted jerk in play and a loving kind protector when finished. This is a hard man to find. 

Marc, the first dominant man to find me, the only one to possess me, is like two different people. At first he was this interesting, kind, thoughtful man. Then he became Master and that person was cold, unfeeling, hurtful with his words. Then Marc would periodically come back to say wonderful things about me, my character, my looks, my mind. He did this to keep me on his hook, to play with me, make me think he cared. He knew exactly what to say to make me feel good about myself and he did help me through the storm of my separation.  The only problem was, he'd disappear for weeks, pulling further and further away until I couldn't see him anymore. Until I'd had enough of being ignored and walked away. 

I am two different people. In the real world I am a self assured, confident woman. Deep underneath that though is a submissive, hurting woman with a low self esteem. Both are compartmentalized away from each other and I don't even know how to access the weaker wounded one intentionally. 

I believe most dominant men have two identities also. They have a mask that they wear when they play that hides their real selves, their vulnerable selves. Finding men who want to play a dominant role in the bedroom is easy.  Finding the one with the right mixture of cold, warm, and hot is proving to be a challenge. 

Can A Dominant Man Love his Submissive Woman?

This is one question I struggle to find an answer to. From an outsiders perspective it's hard to see how dominating a person, controlling them, is an act of love. I recently talked face to face with a dominant man and asked him the question, his answer was, 'Of course I do.'  I still found it very hard to believe him.  After all, the only way he's intimate with his submissive is to spank, belt, whip, and cane her. He knows she doesn't enjoy the pain, but she takes it to please him, to show her love for him. That is what pleases him. In my mind I was thinking, she endures a beating that leaves bruises to prove her love, but what the  **** does he endure to prove his?

Most dominant men I ask the 'love' question to tell me they do love. However, it isn't as an equal or even as a person. They love their submissive like the do a toy, an object, a possession, their most valuable possession. Last I checked in this materialistic world possessions are easily replaceable. There is always a newer, better, model that comes out. Yes, vanilla men also will trade up, discarding their old wives for a trophy one, a younger one, a better one... But are those men capable of real love anymore than the dominant one?

What is love?

There is the crux of the original question. What is the definition of love? There are so many different opinions on the subject. Hollywood has romanced the idea of love into a chemical reaction, an obsession with another person. Fairy tales made love out to be an instant spark that would make everyone happy who felt it. But is this romanced version of love real? I for one don't think so. It's not love, but lust gift wrapped and sold off to young impressionable girls as love. It makes it easier for boys and men to pray on the weaker sex to get what they want - a night of passionate sex.

One movie, Original Sin, asked the question, what is the difference between lust and love? The answer was: When you lust for someone you want to take everything from them, when you love someone you want to give them everything.

Poetry is full of definitions of love. I quoted Shakespeare as a theme for my wedding: Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds, it is an ever fixed mark. Quite a fitting quote considering my marriage ended up toxic and unloving. So now that I no longer love my ex, does that mean I never did? Did any poet fully understand love?

As a mother I love my children. I would do anything to protect them. I sacrifice my own wants and needs to fulfill theirs. I make sure they have everything even if I go without. Is that love? I could never physically hit them to the point of leaving bruises. If they are in pain, I am in pain. If I hurt them, and I sometimes do, I feel regret, pain, guilt.

The Bible has a lot to say about love.  Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonour others. It is not self seeking. It is not easily angered. It does not keep any record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. The Bible also tells wives to submit to their husbands and for husbands to die (sacrifice) for their wives.

The dominant men I have talked to readily admit they are selfish to the core. That the arrangement is about the submissive giving everything without expectation of reciprocation. They admit freely that they only take and still they claim to love their submissive. I find that hard to believe. I may be jaded from my controlling abusive marriage, but I still can't see how a dominant man can truly love another person. Love is a selfless act, one their own submissives portray to them everyday through enduring pain, sacrificing their own wants, and putting the desires of the dominant ahead of their own. Seeing love demonstrated by their submissive, how can they even think they feel love?

I have never been in a dominant/submissive relationship. I have only talked with dominant men and Marc has yet to actually show up in my life, even then the man will never love me. I am a submissive woman, not a dominant male, so I cannot in anyway speak for them. However, as an observer I have an opinion, as I've expressed here, but it is hardly the answer I seek, the answer I hope desperately for.

Do dominant men abuse submissive women?

Nice Guys - Why Don't I Want One?

We've all heard the adage, nice guys finish last. I feel for these guys because they really are trying hard and recently I tried to meet 'nice guys' online and find some kind of chemistry with them. Each time it turned into a disaster. They shower me with their attention and I leave the coffee shop asking myself, why don't I deserve to be loved, cared about, cherished?

I do deserve to be loved, cared about, cherished, treated like a queen. Yet, after these socially awkward dates with nice guys, I feel like I don't, but what I'm really asking is ... Why don't I deserve to be loved, cared about, and cherished by Marc (or men like him.)? I'm not saying Marc is a bad boy type, he just chooses to be unavailable, so he keeps me at arms length, but within easy reach in case I decide I want to wonder off and shut a door between us.

It's not that I don't have access to men willing to give me the attention and the love I crave, it's that I don't want them to. It has nothing to do with how they look, as some of them are quite cute.  I sit through coffee while they keep telling me how beautiful I am, how smart, how special, how wonderful. I keep trying to talk about other things and they bring the conversation back to complimenting me and making grandiose promises about how they'll treat me or what they'll give me. If they aren't talking about me, they are giving me their sob story about how lonely they are, how much they want to have someone like me to love them. Either way I feel nervous and self-conscious. 

Their promises to give me things or take care of me make me uncomfortable. If they buy me something it makes me feel obligated. I haven't done anything to deserve a gift. I don't feel right letting them pay because we aren't dating, going forward, and if they constantly tell me how good looking they think I am, it isn't going any further than coffee. 

Their compliments make me feel bad about myself because I don't believe them. I'm used to being criticized and put down. I am used to being told I'm only so good and will never amount to anything more than a wife. My whole life has been limited by people who control me and keep me under their control using hurtful words and limitations. So when a stranger is telling me how beautiful I am or how much they want to take care of me, it makes my skin crawl. I don't believe they mean it or that I deserve  it. I start thinking there must be something wrong with me and start to question why I don't deserve love.  

A man like Marc may say I look nice when they meet me, once, but that's it, they don't beat me over the head with it. The compliments they give me are few, well placed, and sincere, they are like crumbs that I lap up and keep looking for more. I want more, so I obsess trying to figure out how to please them to get more. It is a game and it works. 

I was talking to a nice guy, a down on his luck type, trying to explain to him why women brushed off nice guys. How being constantly complimented only made me anxious and did not inspire affection for him. How it would have been better to say nothing about how I look, how great I am, or how much I deserved. How it would be better to talk about life, work, global news, anything but what he thought of me. He wasn't impressed with my assessment of how he should interact and ended the coffee meet. 

It's not that I'm looking for some jerk who will, disrespect me, tear me down, or abuse me. I'm not. I am looking for a confident man who knows what he wants, is very busy with work and can handle independence from his woman. A man who is secure enough in himself that he can support me in my weaknesses and allow me to support him in his. A man who will help me when I need it and will give me space to solve my own problems when I want to. A man who won't constantly judge me and will want to see me succeed in life as a writer.

I have a lot of healing and strength building to get to a point where I will deserve such a man. When I've done the work to rebuild myself, I will not settle for anything less though. By then, not only will I deserve the love of such a man, but I will believe that I do.

He's Not That into Me - How I Changed That - Briefly.

Marc is an ideal, an obsession, a man who flits in and out of my email to keep me on his hook, each time keeping me obsessing over him, but last week I changed that. How? Simple, I stopped caring and put on my kiss ass Bitch hat. -- Yeah I made that sound easier than it is. However, it is a mind switch - thinking instead of feeling. Ah huh? Let me explain...

When I was obsessing about Marc, constantly searching for his emails, stalking him on the dating site, I was motivated by my feelings. Loneliness, hurt, abandonment, and self loathing. Yes, self loathing. I did not feel worthy of being treated better than he was treating me. The other men I've met who are making grand gestures, saying wonderful things about me, and promising to treat me right make me uncomfortable and I hated myself even more.

That statement may not make a lot of sense, I mean how do 'nice' compliments from 'nice guys' make me hate myself more? They do because I don't believe them, compliments are foreign to me, and they make me nervous. I leave the conversation asking myself what is wrong with me? Why can't I just like someone who sees me as an amazing woman? Why don't I deserve to be cherished, loved, cared for? Why do I feel more comfortable being treated like a Whore by Marc? Why do I feel more comfortable being constantly criticized? Why do I feel more comfortable feeling worthless, unloveable, unworthy, and invaluable? The answer - I am a survivor of life long abuse.

The first thing I did was to write on post it notes stating I am worthy, valuable, loveable, and deserving of love, success, and respect. Next, I did not email Marc, until he finally emailed me and during that time I wrote and rewrote an email stating how wonderful I am and exactly what I wanted, where my boundary was. His response was positive. More positive than I would have imagined and lastly, I wasn't there to respond every time he emailed me back.... which resulted in him emailing me again and chasing me again.

I use my mind to tell myself over and over I do not care if he disappears, I do not care if he is talking with other women, I do not care if he is sleeping with other women. I do not care if he contacts me or if he doesn't. I keep telling myself this over and over and over..... One day I'll believe it. Right now though I am acting like I believe it and it's producing more communication from him. He is stepping closer. He likes me more as a confident woman instead of the insecure school girl.

The full email I wrote and his full response will be in one of the future Game of 51 books.



Here is some of what I wrote him:


I have a choice.... I can accept what you are offering or I can walk away.... I know what you want... sex... no strings attached.... no icky romantic feelings...  I've always known this... and I chose you.... 

So what if I'm not a priority to you? I can't do anything about how you feel about me. I have no control over you. You will either take me or leave me.... I am who I am, I don't play games, I tell it like I see it and I can rationalize my feelings -- eventually, once I understood the boundaries and expectations.

Once I comprehended that you were serious about me. Once I felt secure in my role with you, I could manage my reaction to not being a priority. 

If you don't want me - nothing I can do about it. No use getting all upset.... I was stupid to get upset before. I'm a very passionate, smart, giving, submissive woman -- take it or leave it -- that's me. I can't be anything else or anyone else.... You'll contact me or you won't. You'll show up or you won't. Either way -- I'll survive. 

His initial response:


Your previous letter was quite insightful of you, and of yourself and how you are viewing your life. I see you progressing above my expectations of you. You are becoming more confident, more sure of yourself, more positive. That pleases me. 



Yes he contacted me more, chased me a bit, but then went silent again. I can't do anything about that. I can only control myself and how I react. Do I want to chase a man who only wants sex and nothing else? No. Do I want to chase a man who only sees me as a whore to use? No. Do I want to chase Marc? No. Am I still obsessed with him? Yes.

I need a life. I need to meet other people in the real world and work on my own self image. I have to get busy and as I get busier and meet friends who are healthy for me and supportive of me, I will eventually learn how to love myself and men like Marc will not be able to get a hold on me.

I still feel blessed for knowing Marc, he was there when I needed him. God has used him to help bring me out of an abusive marriage, to help me understand control, dominance, and submission. The nice compliments Marc has given me have rung true to my heart and helped me to like myself more. The amazing supportive words he has provided me have helped me to stand up to those who are controlling in my life and have helped me to create boundaries. He has helped me figure out what I want and has opened me up to sexuality where just four months ago I couldn't even admit I had sex with my husband.

He has been a blessing. I hope he will continue to be in my life, however, it's up to me if he is, I must see him for who he is, what he wants from me, and expect no more from him. I have a choice, take what he is offering me or walk away. I chose him. Now it's up to me to find ways to not obsess, to have a life, and maybe one day I'll find the man I really want to have a life with.

He's just NOT into Me.... Too Bad....

I've been reading a lot about dating, relationships, and how men think.... Yes ladies they do think and not just with the little head, although that one seems to be the dominant thinker sometimes.

I remember way back in my University days when John Grey made a big splash with his Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars book, learning about how men like to pull back, go into their cave. I agree with this statement, but at some point they have to come out and if they don't, I think there might be a problem.

Marc's disappeared again... Yes I know, big red flashing lights telling me to bail out.

I read a blog post online about the signs that he just might not be that into you... Guess what, According to this dating coach, Marc's behaviour tells me he's just not that into me. However, every time I call him on it, ask him if he wants to end our arrangement or walk away myself, he comes back and gets closer to me. Damn the man.

This time I'm taking control of myself back. I am not going to tell him I want closure. I've just stopped emailing him first. Trust me this is hard, very hard. I so want to tell him about my day, how things are going with the divorce, especially since I'm so proud of myself for doing so much.

Well, to satisfy myself I write the email and leave it in the drafts folder. If he ever contacts me I'll have an email already to go. If he doesn't email me... I didn't make a fool of myself, yet again.

Every time I say I'm done with him, ask him to release me, he comes back opening himself a bit more to me and I fall for it. Why? Because he scores high on some arbitrary checklist I have about what the perfect man looks like? No. Because I'm a stupid girl with no self respect? Although it feels that way, No. Because he's got magic powers? Definitely not.

I keep going back because I can't have him and I'm in love with the IDEA of him. He is my main character in my Game of 51 Series, he's mysterious, intelligent, interesting, powerful, and has a hold on me - hook line and sinker. I want him because I'm not in control of him. I want him because he is unattainable. It's a game, a contest, a competition. It's not the man I want, but the prize of winning.

It's manipulation 101 - I can see every manipulation he's made, every word, every technique, every string he pulled. I intentionally ignored every one. Why? For a book? Maybe, but doubtful. I ignored the red flags for the attention, the experience, the feelings he stirred inside me.

I have to remember, he's just words on a screen. He's not real. He's only a manipulator who can type a good game.

I've stopped looking to see if he's on the dating site talking to other women. I've updated my own profile and started talking to other men again. At some point I will meet someone who is real, who will think I am special, and who will want me as much as I will want them. At that point, Marc's words on a screen will only be a memory.

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for his words. They have given me so much during a very difficult time in my life. He has offered me support, been there when I needed him to be, and he made me feel sexy again. He gave me confidence and helped me to feel after years of emotional numbness.

He may not be into me. Our run may or may not be over. But his appearance in my life meant something to me. It helped me. No matter how hurt I'll be if this is it, I'll always be thankful for the attention he did give to me.

Need to Focus on Writing not Dating

Went for a long drive with my best friend.... An eight hour drive to be exact. We talked about everything and she gave me a good talking to.  Sometimes it takes a girlfriend to get you back on track. I should be writing and focusing on polishing it for publishing. The ebooks are not polished, the story is erratic but there is a real story there.

I am currently working on book four and it hasn't been easy. I don't know why but I can't seem to write it. Not because I don't have material or because I don't have experiences... I mean I finally go on a couple actual meet the guys in the real world to my disappointment.... I am so obsesses with Marc though I keep looking for him, re reading his messages, trying to figure out how to move him closer to me.... Which I never will.

She was brutally honest and although she understands how 'hot' Marc makes me and how much I want him in the real world.... I need to fix me. I need to demand respect. I need to write my books and get on with my life. If he wants to be apart of my life he'll come around, if not, I'm sure there is some other guy out there that will make me just as 'hot' and will treat me well.

So onto finishing Book 4 and getting it uploaded....

I'm Obsessed With a Man

I need to get a grip. I am obsessed with Marc. I can't get him out of my head, haven't been able to since he first winked at me four months ago. He has been manipulating me the whole time. I can see the manipulation techniques as they happen and I still step toward him willingly. I want what he is offering but I need to stop.

Every time he goes silent to bring me closer I go insane. I can't stop emailing him, jumping up and down saying "Hey don't forget about me."

Yesterday I noticed he was chatting on the online dating site I met him on and so what do I do.... sent him 4 emails. First one.. Hey thinking about you... second and third... questions about what I should be expecting from whatever this is with him and the last email was let's just say I don't expect to hear from him any time soon. I was quite depressed by the time I wrote it.  -- Started out with me saying call me when he was in town for sex and I'd write him a bill on my way out the door right after he used me.... Not very sexy.

Really pathetic. Completely desperate. The absolutely wrong thing to do.....

The reason I'm obsessing over this jerk is I have no life. I now live on my own. I work from home. I moved into a small apartment so all my hobby crap went into storage. I need to get out. I need to get busy. I need to figure out what things I need to do to be happy. I need to meet other people, both men and women... In other words, I need a life.

If I can get a life then I won't be looking for Marc's emails. I won't be around for his calls. I won't be available for video sex... now that was a hot experience.... One I can't wait to write about in my series the Game of 51.  If I'm not available then he'll either write me off or start obsessing over me.... either way I'll be happier.

If he writes me off then I'm finally free of the hold he has over me. If he starts obsessing over me then I'll hear from him more and the benefits of that are hot... really hot... and satisfying....

I have just gone through a really terrible time in my life leaving me depressed. Marc is my distraction. The thing that makes me feel good for about 5 seconds and I crave that happy feeling. Problem is, when I am not getting his attention the absence of that 'happy feeling' leaves me even more depressed.

Any ideas about what to do to stay occupied and stop obsessing over a man? I prefer meeting another man.... whenever I do it works well, until the other man becomes a dud..... Usually the minute I meet him in the real world. Are there any decent single men out there?

Can't Say the Right Thing to the Ex

I tried talking to the ex a couple of times this week and he blew up both times and then proceeded to freak out again when I went to the house to pack today. What did I say wrong?

My son needs shoes, clothes, and boots. The kid just won't stop growing and is hard on all his stuff. I can't afford to buy him anything new, so told him we'd have to go to the thrift stores. Well, he'd rather shop at the thrift stores because he doesn't want to contribute to the terrible conditions of slavery in the textile manufacturing industry by buying new clothes. Plus, we live in a pretty affluent area, so there are lots of really great clothes at these stores. 

I called the ex to see if he could pick them up from their activities yesterday because I was going out with some friends. I happened to mention that I was taking our son to the thrift store to get clothes before dropping him off at his activity. Yeah, I guess that was me making a dig that he was a terrible father. 

My ex got pissed and barked that our son is supposed to ask him to go shopping for clothes. Our teenager has his own ideas about fashion and his father, well, has his - cheap. The ex accused me of purposefully making him out to be a terrible father and me, being me, quickly communicated that it was our son's choice to go to a thrift store. I didn't want him thinking I know he's a bad father after all. 

The other time I said the wrong thing, I was being a bit of a bag. My brother is getting married and I got the invitation for me and the kids to the wedding. My ex is no longer invited. I called to see if he wanted me to get him an invitation because he was a member of the family for a long time. Really I just wanted him to know that my family no longer considered him part of theirs. That was pretty petty of me. He angrily called me on it and wasn't impressed, not that he wanted to go of course. 

Today, when I arrived to pack some of the crap left to go into boxes, he had a freak out attack again. Add that to me not telling him what I did last night with the girls.... In his mind I'm an easy slut who was getting laid by some guy last night and I need him to make sure I don't do something stupid. 

He might have a case there, considering that I was actually home video chatting with Marc and not out with friends. Smart I am not when it comes to that man. 

Book 3 Released - The Game of 51: Confessions of an Online Dater.

 Book 3 of The Game of 51 Series has been released. 

Morgan has made her decision and jumped into the abyss with no guarantees. She desires Marc, but his attention comes with a price. Can she be what he wants? The fantasy of submission drives her lust, but when faced with the reality of being a sex slave it's all too real. Morgan must come to terms with her mind, her fears, and her body's desires because Marc is demanding she give all or nothing

Morgan Pellitier is a forty year old woman recently separated from her husband. She has gone online to find love only to find a man who wants to dominate her and she is helpless to stop him. Follow the series The Game of 51: Confessions of an Online Dater as Morgan IMs with men, manages her life, and lusts after a man she knows she shouldn't. In Book 3: Forgiveness she has agreed to become Marc's sex slave but she had no idea what she was in for. 

Click to download your free ebook, pdf, or various other files. 

Sample: (It was hard to find a clean enough sample...)

I’m constantly looking for messages from Marc and it’s annoying. He hasn’t contacted me in three days. I know three whole days, big whoop, that’s normal. I know it is, but I need his attention. It’s the attention, the conversation, the power of words. I enjoy the banter, the flirting, the slow revelations of one’s self. It’s the mystery of the messages, who is he? What is he? and Is this the one who can fulfill me? 

I’m online yet again. I seem to be addicted to talking to strange men. These other guys are just a distraction from my loneliness when Marc is not talking to me. I’ve seen him online on the dating site talking to other women, trying to meet someone new. That doesn’t bother me, what bother’s me is that he’s ignoring me. He isn’t sending me a quick email to say that he’s thinking about me. He isn’t making our arrangement a priority and I’m not sure what to do. 

I’m supposed to be his slave now. I’m still not sure what that means and I have so many questions. The good thing about the internet is that it’s a whole host of information and people willing to talk to me, answer my questions, help me. If Marc won’t answer my questions than maybe someone else will, like this guy I’m IMing with now. He’s a sub looking for a Domme and unlike the last poor boy sub I talked to, this one seems more stable, grounded, and surer of himself.

‘I have yes, since my twenties.’

‘Ever have a long term relationship or has it all been fun play?’

‘I’ve had long term relationships.’

‘I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that a Dom would care about their sub as a person, or care about what they want, or who they are. Any insight you can give me?’

‘I can understand that. I want to find a Domme to please and do as they say.’

‘But that is you caring about what makes the Dom happy. Does the Dom care about what makes a sub happy?’

‘Hmmm. I assume so. But perhaps not overtly.’

‘Don’t you want someone to care about you?’

‘I want to please.’

‘What about you? Don’t you want someone to care about your day, your thoughts, your feelings? If you please a Dom what do you get?’

‘I get to serve.’

‘That’s it? And that’s enough for you?’

‘Perhaps.’

‘Don’t you ever get mad?’

‘No.’

‘See this is what I can’t wrap my head around. A relationship where only one person’s wants matter isn’t very fair.’

‘I do like to please. If I do as I am told then both participate.’

‘I am curious... Obviously... Trying to wrap my head around your world.’

‘I do understand, but if you’re not interested.’

‘I’m not a Domme. I’m just very curious about why someone becomes a sub and if they matter as a person to the Dom.’

‘I am a person.’

‘Exactly. You are. You matter.’

‘Yes. Thank you.’

‘So why not be with someone who knows you matter?’

‘A true Dom cares for a Sub.’

‘Maybe I should explain myself a bit better. I ran into a Dom online. Before I knew it I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I like rough sex etc. But I can’t see myself submitting to someone... I have to matter.’

‘So you are a sub too?’

‘I wouldn’t go that far. Just thinking about it... Maybe... I’m very confused.’

‘Seems so.’

‘That’s why I wanted to ask you so many questions. I can’t get my head around the power dynamic. I don’t know how I can trust someone enough to put myself into their power.’

‘I understand. I want to please. I find happiness in pleasing my Domme. She finds happiness in being pleased. Simple.’

‘Not simple. What about your feelings?’

‘As long as I can serve I am fulfilled.’

‘What about what you want? Need?’

‘A true Dom will make sure I get everything I need. I only want to please.’

‘How do you know you will get what you need if you’re not allowed to voice what you want?’

Why Can't I Want one of the 'Nice' Guys?

I just realized that it's been six days since Marc said boo to me and it has been six weeks since we've had a proper conversation.  I don't know if I can do this - the no emotions thing - the not caring thing - the just being a toy thing. I can do the submissive thing, but not the being forgotten thing. I can do the non exclusive thing, that isn't a problem, but I don't know if I can push the emotional part out of any relationship I enter into, especially this one. 

Maybe its because I'm too impatient and seeing him or really talking to him is becoming something that I can't ever see actually happening. I have a bad habit of wanting a dream, an illusion, a story, and missing the reality of what's right in front of me. What is in front of me now? A cold distant man who doesn't care about who I am or how I feel. Yet, I want to be used by him so badly it hurts me. I've become so obsessed by him I can barely function in my day to day. I hang on, hoping that one day Marc will return that one day he will like me, want me, care about me. I'm like a puppy waiting for a treat that will never come. 

This is the insanity of my life. 

I have 'nice' guys begging me to give them a chance, some are very good looking and some have lots of money. Guys who will bow at my feet and worship me, spend money on me, give me everything they possibly can, just to get my attention. However, these men don't interest me. They bother me like little flies buzzing around in the heat. I could never just use them, no matter the promises of security, stuff, travel or love. I could never respect them. I could never love them. They are too attainable, too nice, too easy for me to walk all over if I allowed myself to do it.

No, I want the man who can never love me. I want the man who will only use me until he gets bored and then throws me away. I am moved to extreme desire by a man who will only give a tiny bit of himself to me. It's not enough, it will never be enough, and I will be discontent and hurting as long as I lust after him. I know this and yet I still hang on with hope that he'll gaze upon me one day.

How can I change my way of feeling? My mindset? How can I start lusting after the 'nice' guys. The ones who will cherish me, care for me, love me? How can I walk away and turn my back on Marc? On the one man who can truly possess me?

Book 3 Too Intimate to Share

I am writing book three of the Game of 51 Series and some of the scenes are intimate between me and Marc. I feel very uncomfortable sharing them in the book because they are ours and I don't want to hurt him by making public these conversations. Yet, at the same time it is going against the goal I had when I started this project.

See, I never thought I'd really end up caring for him. I thought it would just be sex and that would be it. At the time I thought he'd deserve it for not caring about me as a person. I neglected to consider that I would care about him as a person. I can't just see him as a creep just wanting to have sex with me because that's not who he is.

When I started the project, I had all these assumptions about dominants and how they treated women. Most of society does. Assumptions about some of these type of men are valid, those who abuse or go to far, but some, like Marc, are different.  I have learned a lot about the dominant / submissive relationship dynamic over the course of a month and still have a lot to learn. Some dominant men I've talked to, do go to far, some that I've read about are abusers posing as dominants, but neither of these is Marc.

Marc asks questions, listens, teaches, gives me support and advice. He focuses on my needs and finds pleasure in my desire for him. I want to please him and am willing to do things I never thought I'd do for a minute, just to make him happy. I have a lot more to learn about this man.

The small parts of him that he has shown me I really like. I want to know more about him. I didn't think this, whatever it is, would go on this long. I didn't think I'd care about his feelings since he obviously doesn't care about mine. However, I do. I want to please him and protect him from my project. It's just who I am. I can't separate feelings from sex, even when that's all it is.

The series is based in reality and as a writer I am fictionalizing the scenes as much as possible to make it more interesting, flow better, and to protect the real people. I will continue to write the story and change it up to protect Marc's real identity and the real identity of every man I have talked to online. The whole point of this project is to understand how woman are sucked into scams, manipulated by abusers and to share the horrors of dating in the twenty first century.

Some people have shared their horror stories with me and I can't wait to add them into the series. To put myself into their shoes and try to understand how they ended up where they did.

His Attention

I've been busy. Marc has been paying attention to me by sending me emails almost every day. He's asking me questions about what I want when we meet and telling me what few things he wants. I still don't know if he's coming to visit or if he is, when. Just the idea that he might be coming is exciting. I'm scared and excited all wrapped into one ball of an emotional storm.

I love all the attention he's been giving me. It's only a couple emails a day, but it's enough to let me know he's thinking about me, wants me, and that he might actually be coming to meet me soon.

Trying to Figure Him Out...

If you've read my books, you know Marc is not only a man but a dominant man who enjoys the power exchange of having a woman do his bidding in the bedroom. Currently I am having a very hard time understanding what makes him tick because he won't tell me anything about him. I've talked with a few other dominant men trying to understand the relationship dynamic and they don't give anything about themselves away.

This is an issue for me.

I want to understand Marc, get to know him better, but he won't let me. Information is one way - Do what you're told and be rewarded. Don't, and be punished or worse, ignored. Any time I try to manipulate him or the conversation to get more from him, or ask too many questions, I am faced with long periods of silence.

That's a good thing though, right? I need him to ignore me, so I can pull myself back from him. To take ownership of myself. To get him out of my head and be my own person again. If only I could. Wanting this man makes me feel pathetic. He is so confident, assured, and powerful leaving me insecure, unsure, and weak in his presence.

If you met me in the real world, you would not use those three words to describe me. Most people describe me as a strong, independent, smart woman. Too smart to get caught up with a man like Marc. Too independent to please a man like him, and too strong willed to take any type of crap from a man like him.

Yet, I am drawn to him. I want to please him, do as he tells me, be what he wants me to be. Yes, I am pathetic. I asked too many questions the other day trying to understand him, trying to figure out what motivates him, what makes him tick, what he gets out of this type of relationship, and he said good bye and went silent.

Now I must wait. Wait until he summons me again. Wait until he feels I have been punished enough and will submit to him. I hate that word. Submit. It's an ugly word for a woman because throughout history women have been held down by that word. They have been abused, neglected, and left frustrated in their lives because the men they submit to don't take care of them.

That is my greatest fear... once used up by this man I will be left with what? As what? That answer is simple - Nothing.

All Best Laid Plans.... I am too Weak

If you've read my books you'll know that I am totally infatuated with a man named Marc. Marc hasn't talked to me in a month. The last time I talked with him he hung up on me for no reason. He claims power outage, I'm not sure I can trust him. During that month he was on the online dating site where I met him, for long periods of time. I was frustrated and hurt about being ignored and forgotten.

I don't usually care if a guy doesn't contact me or ignores me because I'm usually too busy talking with another one to be too concerned. However, Marc.... well that's a different story. I am obsessed with him to the point I am constantly thinking of him.

At least I was. I'd finally gotten him out of my head and had barely thought of him at all. I was finally getting back to my normal, self assured, confident self when he contacted me. I was determined to not reply to his summons, I lasted all of half an hour then I gave in. I'm weak.

This man doesn't care about me, he's told me that. He only wants to use me to play with in the bedroom and I so desperately want him to. No other man has gotten into me like he has. Every other man I've met online seems crude, rude, and just plain horny. I don't understand Marc's hold over me and it is driving me insane.

Waiting for a man...

Is there anything worse than waiting for a guy to contact you? Trying to stay occupied so you're not checking your messages, texts, emails. Marc has not responded to my last email in almost a week, has not conversed with me in over two and the last time our conversation was cut off by a power outage, or so he claims. I have noticed he is spending time on the dating site where I met him. So I know he is on his computer and purposefully ignoring me.

Move on you say? Dump the jerk? I wish I could. The one time I tried to run from him, he still plagued my mind and stirred my body without even a word or the possibility of one. Book 2, Regret is mainly about my struggle to stay away from him, to remove him from my life and my mind. I failed miserably.

What's worse is that I know he is manipulating me, using techniques designed to make me want him more because it is only human nature to want that which you cannot have. I watch myself make stupid decisions just to feel the desire this man enflames in me. I watch knowing he is moulding me, manipulating my every emotion, thought, and passion. Yet, I cannot help but want him. I can see the manipulation, I know what words are calculated, which are faked, but somehow I don't care, I just want. It's pathetic, I know.

Stupid you say? I have to agree. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I am allowing myself to chase this man. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I want this man. I am smarter than this, but I want and that want is so much more powerful than my mind.

Loneliness makes me do things I'd never do, want things I know I shouldn't want. Just for those moments when he pays attention to me and fills the hole of loneliness inside me. I want to experience this, know where our story is going to end up, find out how he will manipulate me next. Will this man ever care about me? Is he even capable of caring about someone else other than himself?