Can I Stop Being A Submissive Woman?

I've come to terms with being a submissive woman. That doesn't mean I want to be one. However, the question is, can I change?

Can I have normal desires? Or must I always be controlled by a dominant man to feel that rush of lust?

I know that those within the dominant / submissive lifestyle will say that there is nothing wrong with being a submissive... However, that is not my experience. How is constantly seeing to the desires and wants of someone else who constantly tests your love for them is good? It only reinforces my belief that I'm not good enough. How is allowing someone to treat you like an object, a toy, a thing, is a good thing? I end up feeling used, uncared for, and unlovable. It only confirms my belief that I don't deserve to be loved.

I need more than any dominant man is willing to give me... I need to be loved for me... I need to matter... I need to feel protected, cared for, cherished, and loved. However, these are not traits I've seen in any of the Dominant men I've met. They are all too selfish and caught up in an ideal game that they cannot see me, support me, or love me. I am nothing to them.

I just don't seem to get it right. I'm not a good enough submissive for dominant men. I try, I try my best but it's never good enough to get what I really need in return, and it's not some stupid orgasm.... That's all they seem to have to offer me.... That's all they think I'm good for....

They are very willing to try to convince me they are better then anyone else out there. That they can give me what I need. That they are not abusers. That they are the real thing and treat their subs with the respect they deserve, they care for them, protect them, and give them what they need.... Right up until they get what they want.... Then they turn. Turn ugly. Say mean things to me. Make demands of me with no regard for what I want or who I really am. They toss me aside like I'm nothing to them, but demand that they be everything to me. I am left alone... Ignored... Until they want to play again and if I say I'm busy or NO... Then suddenly I'm not submissive enough for them.

After talking with submissive women, and submissive men, I am firmly of the belief that they are so beaten down they think they deserve to be treated badly. That they have to be treated a certain way in order to be accepted, in order to get any attention, to be cared for.

When a man is kind to me, does extra nice things, I feel bad about myself to the point that I want to cry.   That is so 'not' a normal response. Why shouldn't I deserve to be treated with kindness, care, and generosity? Why does a kind man make me hurt emotionally to the point of tears?

When a man is mean, puts me down, and ignores me, I feel bad, but a comfortable bad. It's like I feel better, calmer, normal, by feeling small, weak, and insignificant. I don't feel like crying. I don't hurt emotionally like I do when someone is nice to me. I feel normal in my self loathing. I firmly believe I don't deserve any better. I just want to sit in a corner and hide. When a dominant man tells me I've got to do better, I try harder to please him, knowing I won't please him. Knowing I don't matter.

I don't want to be this person. I want to be my other self.... My strong, independent, intelligent self. Why can't I matter? Why can't I feel that I deserve to be loved? How can I change my mind set?

I wish I knew the answers. I wish it was easy to get my heart to believe what my head keeps telling it. I wish that at my core I was not a submissive woman. I wish I was a kick butt woman.

Are Dominant Men are Cold and Cruel?

When Dominant men start to play, they turn down the thermostat of their words, feelings, and attitude. When I first start talking with a Dominant man he is kind, warm, and interesting. Then he starts in with questions about my past sexual experiences, sexual fantasies, and so forth, which on the surface seems intimate. It's anything but.

It's about control, knowing how to move my desire, and build a wall around him. I think we're having an intimate conversation, we're not, it's a distraction so I won't notice the wall that protects him. Intimacy is about getting to know someone, getting inside them, and learning about who they are, not just sex. When the guy finally transforms to full on dominant he is cold, calculating, and cruel. His words are sharp and cut deep with the full purpose of making me hate myself.

Except they tell me it's only play. I should be able to separate the two, I should be able to have a strong enough self esteem to not care about the words. Certain words yes. I can in the moment ignore as pretend, but when they try to use these words in emails, IMs, etc sometimes they can go too far.

I have a lot of emotional pain, a lot of lies that I believe, it is sometimes hard for me to know what is truth and what is pretend. Men make me feel like the only thing I'm good for is sex... both dominant and non dominant men only want to have sex with me. None have wanted to get to know me. All the pressure to have sex and the sex talk only leaves me feeling worse about myself. One man told me that I should know that I'm better than just sex, I'm good for cleaning up and cooking too.... I almost cried.

My ex tells me that men only want me for my tits. My son told me that I shouldn't be picky because I'm a forty year old, overweight, housewife, with a two kids, a crappy job and I live in a basement suite. In other words, I have nothing to offer a man.

It's the cruel words Dominant men use to humiliate and degrade that hurt. They are supposed to make you want to please them. It works. It works because you feel you are so terrible you don't deserve better and you just want someone to love you. Many, like me, are imprinted to view being controlled, pushed around, belittled, as love. The niceties other men give us, all those great compliments, make us feel uncomfortable, unworthy, and lied to. We are abused and are only comfortable with being abused.

A few men I've talked to were abusive jerks with very little intelligence and I usually ended up laughing at them from my end of the computer screen. Yes, that's mean, but how they view women is so far from the reality of who we are, it's laughable. These men are looking for vulnerable, desperate, weak women with no self esteem. They want to control a woman 24/7 and basically almost think for her. They are the extreme of my ex husband. I would not classify them as true dominants, but rather controlling selfish abusers, who can't truly care for a woman because they see them only as property to humiliate and degrade all the time. 

Some men have been very normal and friendly in the real world. Interesting, smart, successful, and even thoughtful. However, the minute the game starts they change dramatically. This is the type of man I like to play with, as long as the play is only in the bedroom and the rest of our correspondence is normal, real, and respectful. As long as he is only a cold hearted jerk in play and a loving kind protector when finished. This is a hard man to find. 

Marc, the first dominant man to find me, the only one to possess me, is like two different people. At first he was this interesting, kind, thoughtful man. Then he became Master and that person was cold, unfeeling, hurtful with his words. Then Marc would periodically come back to say wonderful things about me, my character, my looks, my mind. He did this to keep me on his hook, to play with me, make me think he cared. He knew exactly what to say to make me feel good about myself and he did help me through the storm of my separation.  The only problem was, he'd disappear for weeks, pulling further and further away until I couldn't see him anymore. Until I'd had enough of being ignored and walked away. 

I am two different people. In the real world I am a self assured, confident woman. Deep underneath that though is a submissive, hurting woman with a low self esteem. Both are compartmentalized away from each other and I don't even know how to access the weaker wounded one intentionally. 

I believe most dominant men have two identities also. They have a mask that they wear when they play that hides their real selves, their vulnerable selves. Finding men who want to play a dominant role in the bedroom is easy.  Finding the one with the right mixture of cold, warm, and hot is proving to be a challenge. 

Can A Dominant Man Love his Submissive Woman?

This is one question I struggle to find an answer to. From an outsiders perspective it's hard to see how dominating a person, controlling them, is an act of love. I recently talked face to face with a dominant man and asked him the question, his answer was, 'Of course I do.'  I still found it very hard to believe him.  After all, the only way he's intimate with his submissive is to spank, belt, whip, and cane her. He knows she doesn't enjoy the pain, but she takes it to please him, to show her love for him. That is what pleases him. In my mind I was thinking, she endures a beating that leaves bruises to prove her love, but what the  **** does he endure to prove his?

Most dominant men I ask the 'love' question to tell me they do love. However, it isn't as an equal or even as a person. They love their submissive like the do a toy, an object, a possession, their most valuable possession. Last I checked in this materialistic world possessions are easily replaceable. There is always a newer, better, model that comes out. Yes, vanilla men also will trade up, discarding their old wives for a trophy one, a younger one, a better one... But are those men capable of real love anymore than the dominant one?

What is love?

There is the crux of the original question. What is the definition of love? There are so many different opinions on the subject. Hollywood has romanced the idea of love into a chemical reaction, an obsession with another person. Fairy tales made love out to be an instant spark that would make everyone happy who felt it. But is this romanced version of love real? I for one don't think so. It's not love, but lust gift wrapped and sold off to young impressionable girls as love. It makes it easier for boys and men to pray on the weaker sex to get what they want - a night of passionate sex.

One movie, Original Sin, asked the question, what is the difference between lust and love? The answer was: When you lust for someone you want to take everything from them, when you love someone you want to give them everything.

Poetry is full of definitions of love. I quoted Shakespeare as a theme for my wedding: Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds, it is an ever fixed mark. Quite a fitting quote considering my marriage ended up toxic and unloving. So now that I no longer love my ex, does that mean I never did? Did any poet fully understand love?

As a mother I love my children. I would do anything to protect them. I sacrifice my own wants and needs to fulfill theirs. I make sure they have everything even if I go without. Is that love? I could never physically hit them to the point of leaving bruises. If they are in pain, I am in pain. If I hurt them, and I sometimes do, I feel regret, pain, guilt.

The Bible has a lot to say about love.  Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonour others. It is not self seeking. It is not easily angered. It does not keep any record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. The Bible also tells wives to submit to their husbands and for husbands to die (sacrifice) for their wives.

The dominant men I have talked to readily admit they are selfish to the core. That the arrangement is about the submissive giving everything without expectation of reciprocation. They admit freely that they only take and still they claim to love their submissive. I find that hard to believe. I may be jaded from my controlling abusive marriage, but I still can't see how a dominant man can truly love another person. Love is a selfless act, one their own submissives portray to them everyday through enduring pain, sacrificing their own wants, and putting the desires of the dominant ahead of their own. Seeing love demonstrated by their submissive, how can they even think they feel love?

I have never been in a dominant/submissive relationship. I have only talked with dominant men and Marc has yet to actually show up in my life, even then the man will never love me. I am a submissive woman, not a dominant male, so I cannot in anyway speak for them. However, as an observer I have an opinion, as I've expressed here, but it is hardly the answer I seek, the answer I hope desperately for.

Do dominant men abuse submissive women?

Do Dominant Men Abuse Submissive Women?

The Game of 51 series has started out as a study in Dominance and Submission and whether or not it is a loving relationship or an abusive one. At first glance it is very easy to see how it is abusive because of it's unequal power structure and reliance on BDSM.

There are so many questions and different opinions, many of them extremely emotionally charged.

I was talking with one dominant man about abuse and BDSM. He asked me some poignant questions before saying he could never do what he does if his partner felt she was being abused. That begs the question, will a submissive woman whose only desire is to please her dominant tell him the truth? Or will she lie about how she feels to continue to please him? Or does she even really know if she is abused or not?

Every time I get an answer from one of these men I end up with more questions.

Keep in mind that I am only talking with them, I have never been in a D/S arrangement even though I believe I am a submissive woman. So I am not talking from experience and am not an expert on the subject, far from it. That said I still can form opinions, ask questions, and come up with ideas on the topic.

I believe that abuse in a D/S dynamic arrangement is a very fine line that a Dominant man must always be aware of, more so than non-Dominant men in vanilla relationships. Any relationship can become abusive where one person has more power than the other one, the intrinsic power play of a D/S relationship can make it an easy line to cross if the submissive is not given any chance to voice her feelings honestly without fear of punishment.

From what I've learned from talking to these men, they do not view their partner as an equal, some even view them as I would a child in terms of power and treatment. These men admit they are extremely selfish and need a woman who will please them with no expectation of any reciprocation. So the question becomes what does the woman in this situation get from the arrangement?

In a regular relationship a man and woman come together out of love and a desire to give to and care for each other. The D/S relationship is no different, except the expectations, wants, and desires are agreed to up front after a long Q & A process and one person is the giver while the other one is the caretaker. One makes all the decisions, while the other expedites those decisions. It's like a boss and a worker arrangement without the exchange of wages. A Dominant is kind of like an employer who looks out for his employee and ensures she has what she needs to get the job done.

For some Submissives the fact that they can arouse their Dominant and please him in the bedroom gives them a feeling of power and satisfaction. Whether or not they ever receive a physical release is mute to them because their motivation is to please and they find power in that. For others its the structure and the boundaries that give them security because they are unable to create boundaries for themselves.

I trained my dog to go for walks without a leash and the other day I noticed something. When I don't use a leash he is constantly checking where I am in relation to himself. He stays next to me and is constantly looking up at me to make sure he's doing 'good.' When I put him on a leash he pulls, explores, stops to smell things, is freer to take in his environment because he knows the leash will only let him go so far and he is safe to just 'be.' That's how some Submissives feel when it comes to the rules and boundaries, i.e. the leash, that their Dominants have established for them. I'm not saying they are dogs, just using my dog's walking habits to explain the point.

Abuse comes into the arrangement when the needs of the Submissive are not met. When beating her down to make her feel worse, so he can feel better, is the main objective of the Dominant man. When a Submissive does not have the power to leave because she is without funds, support, or opportunity. Emotions and feelings could lead a Submissive to stay in an abusive relationship in hopes she will receive what she needs to be happy. Conditioning could lead a Submissive to stop caring for herself as a person and become abused. So a Dominant man must always be aware of his Submissive's needs, feelings, and happiness. In a D/S relationship responsibility is on the Dominant, even ensuring he doesn't abuse his charge and she is well cared for.

Dominant and Submission is a complex arrangement based on trust and honesty more than any other type of relationship. I still have a million questions, but they won't all be answered because like all relationships, each one is unique. Each Dominant is motivated for different reasons, each Submissive is motivated for different reasons. Some are happy loving relationships, some are sex only arrangements, some are abusive. The hardest hurdle I had in understanding this world was seeing a D/S relationship as first and foremost a relationship, just like any other.

He's Not That into Me - How I Changed That - Briefly.

Marc is an ideal, an obsession, a man who flits in and out of my email to keep me on his hook, each time keeping me obsessing over him, but last week I changed that. How? Simple, I stopped caring and put on my kiss ass Bitch hat. -- Yeah I made that sound easier than it is. However, it is a mind switch - thinking instead of feeling. Ah huh? Let me explain...

When I was obsessing about Marc, constantly searching for his emails, stalking him on the dating site, I was motivated by my feelings. Loneliness, hurt, abandonment, and self loathing. Yes, self loathing. I did not feel worthy of being treated better than he was treating me. The other men I've met who are making grand gestures, saying wonderful things about me, and promising to treat me right make me uncomfortable and I hated myself even more.

That statement may not make a lot of sense, I mean how do 'nice' compliments from 'nice guys' make me hate myself more? They do because I don't believe them, compliments are foreign to me, and they make me nervous. I leave the conversation asking myself what is wrong with me? Why can't I just like someone who sees me as an amazing woman? Why don't I deserve to be cherished, loved, cared for? Why do I feel more comfortable being treated like a Whore by Marc? Why do I feel more comfortable being constantly criticized? Why do I feel more comfortable feeling worthless, unloveable, unworthy, and invaluable? The answer - I am a survivor of life long abuse.

The first thing I did was to write on post it notes stating I am worthy, valuable, loveable, and deserving of love, success, and respect. Next, I did not email Marc, until he finally emailed me and during that time I wrote and rewrote an email stating how wonderful I am and exactly what I wanted, where my boundary was. His response was positive. More positive than I would have imagined and lastly, I wasn't there to respond every time he emailed me back.... which resulted in him emailing me again and chasing me again.

I use my mind to tell myself over and over I do not care if he disappears, I do not care if he is talking with other women, I do not care if he is sleeping with other women. I do not care if he contacts me or if he doesn't. I keep telling myself this over and over and over..... One day I'll believe it. Right now though I am acting like I believe it and it's producing more communication from him. He is stepping closer. He likes me more as a confident woman instead of the insecure school girl.

The full email I wrote and his full response will be in one of the future Game of 51 books.



Here is some of what I wrote him:


I have a choice.... I can accept what you are offering or I can walk away.... I know what you want... sex... no strings attached.... no icky romantic feelings...  I've always known this... and I chose you.... 

So what if I'm not a priority to you? I can't do anything about how you feel about me. I have no control over you. You will either take me or leave me.... I am who I am, I don't play games, I tell it like I see it and I can rationalize my feelings -- eventually, once I understood the boundaries and expectations.

Once I comprehended that you were serious about me. Once I felt secure in my role with you, I could manage my reaction to not being a priority. 

If you don't want me - nothing I can do about it. No use getting all upset.... I was stupid to get upset before. I'm a very passionate, smart, giving, submissive woman -- take it or leave it -- that's me. I can't be anything else or anyone else.... You'll contact me or you won't. You'll show up or you won't. Either way -- I'll survive. 

His initial response:


Your previous letter was quite insightful of you, and of yourself and how you are viewing your life. I see you progressing above my expectations of you. You are becoming more confident, more sure of yourself, more positive. That pleases me. 



Yes he contacted me more, chased me a bit, but then went silent again. I can't do anything about that. I can only control myself and how I react. Do I want to chase a man who only wants sex and nothing else? No. Do I want to chase a man who only sees me as a whore to use? No. Do I want to chase Marc? No. Am I still obsessed with him? Yes.

I need a life. I need to meet other people in the real world and work on my own self image. I have to get busy and as I get busier and meet friends who are healthy for me and supportive of me, I will eventually learn how to love myself and men like Marc will not be able to get a hold on me.

I still feel blessed for knowing Marc, he was there when I needed him. God has used him to help bring me out of an abusive marriage, to help me understand control, dominance, and submission. The nice compliments Marc has given me have rung true to my heart and helped me to like myself more. The amazing supportive words he has provided me have helped me to stand up to those who are controlling in my life and have helped me to create boundaries. He has helped me figure out what I want and has opened me up to sexuality where just four months ago I couldn't even admit I had sex with my husband.

He has been a blessing. I hope he will continue to be in my life, however, it's up to me if he is, I must see him for who he is, what he wants from me, and expect no more from him. I have a choice, take what he is offering me or walk away. I chose him. Now it's up to me to find ways to not obsess, to have a life, and maybe one day I'll find the man I really want to have a life with.

He's just NOT into Me.... Too Bad....

I've been reading a lot about dating, relationships, and how men think.... Yes ladies they do think and not just with the little head, although that one seems to be the dominant thinker sometimes.

I remember way back in my University days when John Grey made a big splash with his Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars book, learning about how men like to pull back, go into their cave. I agree with this statement, but at some point they have to come out and if they don't, I think there might be a problem.

Marc's disappeared again... Yes I know, big red flashing lights telling me to bail out.

I read a blog post online about the signs that he just might not be that into you... Guess what, According to this dating coach, Marc's behaviour tells me he's just not that into me. However, every time I call him on it, ask him if he wants to end our arrangement or walk away myself, he comes back and gets closer to me. Damn the man.

This time I'm taking control of myself back. I am not going to tell him I want closure. I've just stopped emailing him first. Trust me this is hard, very hard. I so want to tell him about my day, how things are going with the divorce, especially since I'm so proud of myself for doing so much.

Well, to satisfy myself I write the email and leave it in the drafts folder. If he ever contacts me I'll have an email already to go. If he doesn't email me... I didn't make a fool of myself, yet again.

Every time I say I'm done with him, ask him to release me, he comes back opening himself a bit more to me and I fall for it. Why? Because he scores high on some arbitrary checklist I have about what the perfect man looks like? No. Because I'm a stupid girl with no self respect? Although it feels that way, No. Because he's got magic powers? Definitely not.

I keep going back because I can't have him and I'm in love with the IDEA of him. He is my main character in my Game of 51 Series, he's mysterious, intelligent, interesting, powerful, and has a hold on me - hook line and sinker. I want him because I'm not in control of him. I want him because he is unattainable. It's a game, a contest, a competition. It's not the man I want, but the prize of winning.

It's manipulation 101 - I can see every manipulation he's made, every word, every technique, every string he pulled. I intentionally ignored every one. Why? For a book? Maybe, but doubtful. I ignored the red flags for the attention, the experience, the feelings he stirred inside me.

I have to remember, he's just words on a screen. He's not real. He's only a manipulator who can type a good game.

I've stopped looking to see if he's on the dating site talking to other women. I've updated my own profile and started talking to other men again. At some point I will meet someone who is real, who will think I am special, and who will want me as much as I will want them. At that point, Marc's words on a screen will only be a memory.

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for his words. They have given me so much during a very difficult time in my life. He has offered me support, been there when I needed him to be, and he made me feel sexy again. He gave me confidence and helped me to feel after years of emotional numbness.

He may not be into me. Our run may or may not be over. But his appearance in my life meant something to me. It helped me. No matter how hurt I'll be if this is it, I'll always be thankful for the attention he did give to me.

Gender Roles, Gender Equality, and Dominant Men.

The Game of 51 series started out as a record of my online dating experiences as I went from a long term marriage back into the world of dating. What it has turned into is a study in gender roles in relationship, power exchange in sex, and gender equality in a Dominant / Submissive relationship.

As I talk to dominant men online I am struck by their attitude toward feminism and modern women. Their views aren't even old fashion ideals of the role of woman. It isn't about loving a woman so much you'd die for them. It isn't about cherishing a woman or taking care of them. It's about using them as sexual objects and using sex to put them in their place. It's about having a woman serve them, worship them, stroke their egos, and be a sexual slave for them. She is to always be ready for sex, which if you're a woman you know - we aren't always in the mood, but that doesn't matter to a dominant man.

Sure being a sex object is a boost to the self esteem. It feels good to be desired, wanted, lusted after. But it gets old fast. Sex is only a small part of a relationship - but to these guys it's everything. It's how they assert their power, their dominance, who they are in the relationship. It's how they make their women less than people, they make them objects of desire, ready to serve them.

They usually ask me what I believe the roles of men and women in a relationship should be. I do like how the Dominant / Submissive dynamic clearly defines gender roles because each person knows exactly what is expected and who is responsible for what. How many more marriages would have lasted had each person been clear about their expectations up front? What role each person was supposed to take on? Who would lead, who would follow?

Still, a Dominant / Submissive 24/7 relationship is an unequal power dynamic I have a hard time wrapping my head around. The more I talk to these men, the more I read, the more I research, the more confusing it becomes. A Dominant man will punish his woman physically, as if she was a child, if she does not do as she is told. When one guy told me he'd spank me if I didn't keep the house clean I told him I'd give him a good right hook if he tried. One, because I'm not a child. Two, because I can't clean worth the brown stuff coming out your butt. I'm not about to agree to discipline for something I know I'll never succeed at or be happy succeeding at. I find no pride in keeping a clean house or by pleasing someone I resent for making me.

For the record I do clean my place, I get rid of clutter etc..... But I do not feel pride when someone comments on how nice the place looks.

The thing that strikes me as completely unfair about the Dominant / Submissive relationship is this: There is a definite consequence for the woman when she doesn't fulfill her role in the agreement, usually a spanking, but who punishes the man when he doesn't fulfill his end of the bargain?  If she isn't getting what she needs, what she wants, if he isn't fulfilling his role, where is his consequence? Who will spank the dominant man when he screws up?

 I have a very hard time getting my head around that. A Submissive in a 24/7 relationship is not supposed to have wants, her only need is supposed to be to serve her Dominant. Still, there has to be something the Dominant is providing the Submissive to get her to stay and if he doesn't, who spanks him?

I believe equality amongst the sexes in a relationship is about respecting each others strengths and supporting them in their weaknesses. I don't believe all men are meant to make all the decisions in a relationship. I don't believe all women are meant to be in the kitchen. I believe equality in relationships is different for each relationship and neither person should take the lead based only on their gender. Dominant men don't seem to like this point of view.

Before you say I'm not submissive, I am in a certain part of a relationship. I'm just not a 24/7 submissive and I have a hard time understanding them. However, I want to. I want to understand how they don't feel abused. How they can view the control that is asserted over them as loving care. I want to know what they get out of such an unequal power dynamic.

Book 4, which I am currently writing, explores 24/7 submission and asks questions about how someone can really find happiness in such a relationship. I talk with a few Dominants online looking for a 24/7 Submissive and I may not get it, but the point of relationships is that there are all different kinds for all different kinds of people.

Due to my marital situation Book 4 will be delayed.

I'm Obsessed With a Man

I need to get a grip. I am obsessed with Marc. I can't get him out of my head, haven't been able to since he first winked at me four months ago. He has been manipulating me the whole time. I can see the manipulation techniques as they happen and I still step toward him willingly. I want what he is offering but I need to stop.

Every time he goes silent to bring me closer I go insane. I can't stop emailing him, jumping up and down saying "Hey don't forget about me."

Yesterday I noticed he was chatting on the online dating site I met him on and so what do I do.... sent him 4 emails. First one.. Hey thinking about you... second and third... questions about what I should be expecting from whatever this is with him and the last email was let's just say I don't expect to hear from him any time soon. I was quite depressed by the time I wrote it.  -- Started out with me saying call me when he was in town for sex and I'd write him a bill on my way out the door right after he used me.... Not very sexy.

Really pathetic. Completely desperate. The absolutely wrong thing to do.....

The reason I'm obsessing over this jerk is I have no life. I now live on my own. I work from home. I moved into a small apartment so all my hobby crap went into storage. I need to get out. I need to get busy. I need to figure out what things I need to do to be happy. I need to meet other people, both men and women... In other words, I need a life.

If I can get a life then I won't be looking for Marc's emails. I won't be around for his calls. I won't be available for video sex... now that was a hot experience.... One I can't wait to write about in my series the Game of 51.  If I'm not available then he'll either write me off or start obsessing over me.... either way I'll be happier.

If he writes me off then I'm finally free of the hold he has over me. If he starts obsessing over me then I'll hear from him more and the benefits of that are hot... really hot... and satisfying....

I have just gone through a really terrible time in my life leaving me depressed. Marc is my distraction. The thing that makes me feel good for about 5 seconds and I crave that happy feeling. Problem is, when I am not getting his attention the absence of that 'happy feeling' leaves me even more depressed.

Any ideas about what to do to stay occupied and stop obsessing over a man? I prefer meeting another man.... whenever I do it works well, until the other man becomes a dud..... Usually the minute I meet him in the real world. Are there any decent single men out there?

Book 3 Released - The Game of 51: Confessions of an Online Dater.

 Book 3 of The Game of 51 Series has been released. 

Morgan has made her decision and jumped into the abyss with no guarantees. She desires Marc, but his attention comes with a price. Can she be what he wants? The fantasy of submission drives her lust, but when faced with the reality of being a sex slave it's all too real. Morgan must come to terms with her mind, her fears, and her body's desires because Marc is demanding she give all or nothing

Morgan Pellitier is a forty year old woman recently separated from her husband. She has gone online to find love only to find a man who wants to dominate her and she is helpless to stop him. Follow the series The Game of 51: Confessions of an Online Dater as Morgan IMs with men, manages her life, and lusts after a man she knows she shouldn't. In Book 3: Forgiveness she has agreed to become Marc's sex slave but she had no idea what she was in for. 

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Sample: (It was hard to find a clean enough sample...)

I’m constantly looking for messages from Marc and it’s annoying. He hasn’t contacted me in three days. I know three whole days, big whoop, that’s normal. I know it is, but I need his attention. It’s the attention, the conversation, the power of words. I enjoy the banter, the flirting, the slow revelations of one’s self. It’s the mystery of the messages, who is he? What is he? and Is this the one who can fulfill me? 

I’m online yet again. I seem to be addicted to talking to strange men. These other guys are just a distraction from my loneliness when Marc is not talking to me. I’ve seen him online on the dating site talking to other women, trying to meet someone new. That doesn’t bother me, what bother’s me is that he’s ignoring me. He isn’t sending me a quick email to say that he’s thinking about me. He isn’t making our arrangement a priority and I’m not sure what to do. 

I’m supposed to be his slave now. I’m still not sure what that means and I have so many questions. The good thing about the internet is that it’s a whole host of information and people willing to talk to me, answer my questions, help me. If Marc won’t answer my questions than maybe someone else will, like this guy I’m IMing with now. He’s a sub looking for a Domme and unlike the last poor boy sub I talked to, this one seems more stable, grounded, and surer of himself.

‘I have yes, since my twenties.’

‘Ever have a long term relationship or has it all been fun play?’

‘I’ve had long term relationships.’

‘I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that a Dom would care about their sub as a person, or care about what they want, or who they are. Any insight you can give me?’

‘I can understand that. I want to find a Domme to please and do as they say.’

‘But that is you caring about what makes the Dom happy. Does the Dom care about what makes a sub happy?’

‘Hmmm. I assume so. But perhaps not overtly.’

‘Don’t you want someone to care about you?’

‘I want to please.’

‘What about you? Don’t you want someone to care about your day, your thoughts, your feelings? If you please a Dom what do you get?’

‘I get to serve.’

‘That’s it? And that’s enough for you?’

‘Perhaps.’

‘Don’t you ever get mad?’

‘No.’

‘See this is what I can’t wrap my head around. A relationship where only one person’s wants matter isn’t very fair.’

‘I do like to please. If I do as I am told then both participate.’

‘I am curious... Obviously... Trying to wrap my head around your world.’

‘I do understand, but if you’re not interested.’

‘I’m not a Domme. I’m just very curious about why someone becomes a sub and if they matter as a person to the Dom.’

‘I am a person.’

‘Exactly. You are. You matter.’

‘Yes. Thank you.’

‘So why not be with someone who knows you matter?’

‘A true Dom cares for a Sub.’

‘Maybe I should explain myself a bit better. I ran into a Dom online. Before I knew it I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I like rough sex etc. But I can’t see myself submitting to someone... I have to matter.’

‘So you are a sub too?’

‘I wouldn’t go that far. Just thinking about it... Maybe... I’m very confused.’

‘Seems so.’

‘That’s why I wanted to ask you so many questions. I can’t get my head around the power dynamic. I don’t know how I can trust someone enough to put myself into their power.’

‘I understand. I want to please. I find happiness in pleasing my Domme. She finds happiness in being pleased. Simple.’

‘Not simple. What about your feelings?’

‘As long as I can serve I am fulfilled.’

‘What about what you want? Need?’

‘A true Dom will make sure I get everything I need. I only want to please.’

‘How do you know you will get what you need if you’re not allowed to voice what you want?’

Book 3 Too Intimate to Share

I am writing book three of the Game of 51 Series and some of the scenes are intimate between me and Marc. I feel very uncomfortable sharing them in the book because they are ours and I don't want to hurt him by making public these conversations. Yet, at the same time it is going against the goal I had when I started this project.

See, I never thought I'd really end up caring for him. I thought it would just be sex and that would be it. At the time I thought he'd deserve it for not caring about me as a person. I neglected to consider that I would care about him as a person. I can't just see him as a creep just wanting to have sex with me because that's not who he is.

When I started the project, I had all these assumptions about dominants and how they treated women. Most of society does. Assumptions about some of these type of men are valid, those who abuse or go to far, but some, like Marc, are different.  I have learned a lot about the dominant / submissive relationship dynamic over the course of a month and still have a lot to learn. Some dominant men I've talked to, do go to far, some that I've read about are abusers posing as dominants, but neither of these is Marc.

Marc asks questions, listens, teaches, gives me support and advice. He focuses on my needs and finds pleasure in my desire for him. I want to please him and am willing to do things I never thought I'd do for a minute, just to make him happy. I have a lot more to learn about this man.

The small parts of him that he has shown me I really like. I want to know more about him. I didn't think this, whatever it is, would go on this long. I didn't think I'd care about his feelings since he obviously doesn't care about mine. However, I do. I want to please him and protect him from my project. It's just who I am. I can't separate feelings from sex, even when that's all it is.

The series is based in reality and as a writer I am fictionalizing the scenes as much as possible to make it more interesting, flow better, and to protect the real people. I will continue to write the story and change it up to protect Marc's real identity and the real identity of every man I have talked to online. The whole point of this project is to understand how woman are sucked into scams, manipulated by abusers and to share the horrors of dating in the twenty first century.

Some people have shared their horror stories with me and I can't wait to add them into the series. To put myself into their shoes and try to understand how they ended up where they did.

Trying to Figure Him Out...

If you've read my books, you know Marc is not only a man but a dominant man who enjoys the power exchange of having a woman do his bidding in the bedroom. Currently I am having a very hard time understanding what makes him tick because he won't tell me anything about him. I've talked with a few other dominant men trying to understand the relationship dynamic and they don't give anything about themselves away.

This is an issue for me.

I want to understand Marc, get to know him better, but he won't let me. Information is one way - Do what you're told and be rewarded. Don't, and be punished or worse, ignored. Any time I try to manipulate him or the conversation to get more from him, or ask too many questions, I am faced with long periods of silence.

That's a good thing though, right? I need him to ignore me, so I can pull myself back from him. To take ownership of myself. To get him out of my head and be my own person again. If only I could. Wanting this man makes me feel pathetic. He is so confident, assured, and powerful leaving me insecure, unsure, and weak in his presence.

If you met me in the real world, you would not use those three words to describe me. Most people describe me as a strong, independent, smart woman. Too smart to get caught up with a man like Marc. Too independent to please a man like him, and too strong willed to take any type of crap from a man like him.

Yet, I am drawn to him. I want to please him, do as he tells me, be what he wants me to be. Yes, I am pathetic. I asked too many questions the other day trying to understand him, trying to figure out what motivates him, what makes him tick, what he gets out of this type of relationship, and he said good bye and went silent.

Now I must wait. Wait until he summons me again. Wait until he feels I have been punished enough and will submit to him. I hate that word. Submit. It's an ugly word for a woman because throughout history women have been held down by that word. They have been abused, neglected, and left frustrated in their lives because the men they submit to don't take care of them.

That is my greatest fear... once used up by this man I will be left with what? As what? That answer is simple - Nothing.