Can A Dominant Man Love his Submissive Woman?

This is one question I struggle to find an answer to. From an outsiders perspective it's hard to see how dominating a person, controlling them, is an act of love. I recently talked face to face with a dominant man and asked him the question, his answer was, 'Of course I do.'  I still found it very hard to believe him.  After all, the only way he's intimate with his submissive is to spank, belt, whip, and cane her. He knows she doesn't enjoy the pain, but she takes it to please him, to show her love for him. That is what pleases him. In my mind I was thinking, she endures a beating that leaves bruises to prove her love, but what the  **** does he endure to prove his?

Most dominant men I ask the 'love' question to tell me they do love. However, it isn't as an equal or even as a person. They love their submissive like the do a toy, an object, a possession, their most valuable possession. Last I checked in this materialistic world possessions are easily replaceable. There is always a newer, better, model that comes out. Yes, vanilla men also will trade up, discarding their old wives for a trophy one, a younger one, a better one... But are those men capable of real love anymore than the dominant one?

What is love?

There is the crux of the original question. What is the definition of love? There are so many different opinions on the subject. Hollywood has romanced the idea of love into a chemical reaction, an obsession with another person. Fairy tales made love out to be an instant spark that would make everyone happy who felt it. But is this romanced version of love real? I for one don't think so. It's not love, but lust gift wrapped and sold off to young impressionable girls as love. It makes it easier for boys and men to pray on the weaker sex to get what they want - a night of passionate sex.

One movie, Original Sin, asked the question, what is the difference between lust and love? The answer was: When you lust for someone you want to take everything from them, when you love someone you want to give them everything.

Poetry is full of definitions of love. I quoted Shakespeare as a theme for my wedding: Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds, it is an ever fixed mark. Quite a fitting quote considering my marriage ended up toxic and unloving. So now that I no longer love my ex, does that mean I never did? Did any poet fully understand love?

As a mother I love my children. I would do anything to protect them. I sacrifice my own wants and needs to fulfill theirs. I make sure they have everything even if I go without. Is that love? I could never physically hit them to the point of leaving bruises. If they are in pain, I am in pain. If I hurt them, and I sometimes do, I feel regret, pain, guilt.

The Bible has a lot to say about love.  Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonour others. It is not self seeking. It is not easily angered. It does not keep any record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. The Bible also tells wives to submit to their husbands and for husbands to die (sacrifice) for their wives.

The dominant men I have talked to readily admit they are selfish to the core. That the arrangement is about the submissive giving everything without expectation of reciprocation. They admit freely that they only take and still they claim to love their submissive. I find that hard to believe. I may be jaded from my controlling abusive marriage, but I still can't see how a dominant man can truly love another person. Love is a selfless act, one their own submissives portray to them everyday through enduring pain, sacrificing their own wants, and putting the desires of the dominant ahead of their own. Seeing love demonstrated by their submissive, how can they even think they feel love?

I have never been in a dominant/submissive relationship. I have only talked with dominant men and Marc has yet to actually show up in my life, even then the man will never love me. I am a submissive woman, not a dominant male, so I cannot in anyway speak for them. However, as an observer I have an opinion, as I've expressed here, but it is hardly the answer I seek, the answer I hope desperately for.

Do dominant men abuse submissive women?

Do Dominant Men Abuse Submissive Women?

The Game of 51 series has started out as a study in Dominance and Submission and whether or not it is a loving relationship or an abusive one. At first glance it is very easy to see how it is abusive because of it's unequal power structure and reliance on BDSM.

There are so many questions and different opinions, many of them extremely emotionally charged.

I was talking with one dominant man about abuse and BDSM. He asked me some poignant questions before saying he could never do what he does if his partner felt she was being abused. That begs the question, will a submissive woman whose only desire is to please her dominant tell him the truth? Or will she lie about how she feels to continue to please him? Or does she even really know if she is abused or not?

Every time I get an answer from one of these men I end up with more questions.

Keep in mind that I am only talking with them, I have never been in a D/S arrangement even though I believe I am a submissive woman. So I am not talking from experience and am not an expert on the subject, far from it. That said I still can form opinions, ask questions, and come up with ideas on the topic.

I believe that abuse in a D/S dynamic arrangement is a very fine line that a Dominant man must always be aware of, more so than non-Dominant men in vanilla relationships. Any relationship can become abusive where one person has more power than the other one, the intrinsic power play of a D/S relationship can make it an easy line to cross if the submissive is not given any chance to voice her feelings honestly without fear of punishment.

From what I've learned from talking to these men, they do not view their partner as an equal, some even view them as I would a child in terms of power and treatment. These men admit they are extremely selfish and need a woman who will please them with no expectation of any reciprocation. So the question becomes what does the woman in this situation get from the arrangement?

In a regular relationship a man and woman come together out of love and a desire to give to and care for each other. The D/S relationship is no different, except the expectations, wants, and desires are agreed to up front after a long Q & A process and one person is the giver while the other one is the caretaker. One makes all the decisions, while the other expedites those decisions. It's like a boss and a worker arrangement without the exchange of wages. A Dominant is kind of like an employer who looks out for his employee and ensures she has what she needs to get the job done.

For some Submissives the fact that they can arouse their Dominant and please him in the bedroom gives them a feeling of power and satisfaction. Whether or not they ever receive a physical release is mute to them because their motivation is to please and they find power in that. For others its the structure and the boundaries that give them security because they are unable to create boundaries for themselves.

I trained my dog to go for walks without a leash and the other day I noticed something. When I don't use a leash he is constantly checking where I am in relation to himself. He stays next to me and is constantly looking up at me to make sure he's doing 'good.' When I put him on a leash he pulls, explores, stops to smell things, is freer to take in his environment because he knows the leash will only let him go so far and he is safe to just 'be.' That's how some Submissives feel when it comes to the rules and boundaries, i.e. the leash, that their Dominants have established for them. I'm not saying they are dogs, just using my dog's walking habits to explain the point.

Abuse comes into the arrangement when the needs of the Submissive are not met. When beating her down to make her feel worse, so he can feel better, is the main objective of the Dominant man. When a Submissive does not have the power to leave because she is without funds, support, or opportunity. Emotions and feelings could lead a Submissive to stay in an abusive relationship in hopes she will receive what she needs to be happy. Conditioning could lead a Submissive to stop caring for herself as a person and become abused. So a Dominant man must always be aware of his Submissive's needs, feelings, and happiness. In a D/S relationship responsibility is on the Dominant, even ensuring he doesn't abuse his charge and she is well cared for.

Dominant and Submission is a complex arrangement based on trust and honesty more than any other type of relationship. I still have a million questions, but they won't all be answered because like all relationships, each one is unique. Each Dominant is motivated for different reasons, each Submissive is motivated for different reasons. Some are happy loving relationships, some are sex only arrangements, some are abusive. The hardest hurdle I had in understanding this world was seeing a D/S relationship as first and foremost a relationship, just like any other.

I Feel I Don't Deserve to be Loved - How I'm Fixing That

At my core I believe I don't deserve to be loved and those words eat at me when I'm tired, depressed, alone, and hurting. Those words ring so true to my soul I cry out in actual pain from it raking at my nerves, my heart, and my mind. I rarely cry, I rarely feel such pain, but when this lie screams out at me I almost buckle over from the physical agony tormenting my being. My head knows this statement is a lie, but that doesn't matter, I still hurt. 

It is this lie that abusers, manipulators, and predators are able to easily uncover and use against me to reel me into their toxic world. If I am ever to find true happiness and love I have to stop believing it and start loving myself enough to put up walls between me and the toxic men who I am drawn to. 

Here is a podcast that I find helpful, and one that you may also find key truths to help you as you heal: 
http://modernloveguide.podbean.com/

I have been working on this with my therapist. She gave me a few exercises and one of them is to write out a list that I read over and over until I start believing it to the point it drowns out the lie. I've started the list and wanted to share it here. If you're like me, it's time you start calling out the lie and embarrass it back into the depths of hell...
Here's my list, I hope it will help you start writing yours.

Each item has the words I deserve to be loved in front of them, but since it was so hard on the eyes to have that phrase repeat over and over on the screen I removed it... when you write your list make sure you write I deserve to be loved before each reason you give.

I deserve to be loved because:
 God created me to be loved. 
 I am intelligent
 I am knowledgeable
 I am nonjudgemental 
 I get along with most people
 I have an open caring heart
 I have lots of empathy
 I am pretty
 I am kind
 I am a sweetheart
 I am a good friend
 I am an excellent mother
 I am a great writer
 I am a good marketer
 I am a decent salesperson
 I have marketable skills
 I can solve problems
 I am a quick learner
 I am resilient 
 I am resourceful
 I am independent 
 I am supportive
 I am wonderful
 I have a giving heart
 I have a positive outlook
 I love coffee
 I am a good cook
 I have a lot of love to give

This list will grow as I look at myself and all the positive strengths God has given me. Don't get me wrong I have plenty of weaknesses, my inability to keep a clean organized house is at the top of that list. I spend enough time feeling bad about my negatives and the next step will be to start seeing those traits not as negatives but either with a positive twist or as weaknesses that someone else can support with their strengths. 

Date with a Great Guy ... Why did it go South?

I met an older man for coffee the other day, no expectations, didn't think I'd like him. He was late and there was nothing overly attractive about him, he was average in looks, but not average in intelligence. He dominated the conversation, which was fine with me, with stories about his life, his points of view, his beliefs, and passions. He was very interesting and that made him sexier to me as time went on. We had some good philosophical discussions, we talked about our kids, our lives, and our work. Coffee lasted four hours... Time just flew...

As he left, he told me he'd come my way next time for fish & chips by the dock and he was looking forward to it. Later that night, he sent me an email thanking me for a great time and he was looking forward to meeting with me again. I waited until the next day to return his email with compliments about how interesting I found him and that I too wanted to meet again. Then he emailed again, saying he wanted to meet up again soon. I waited another day and then sent him a note saying I was coming his way on Saturday, would he want to meet up for coffee again? I received a response that night saying that would be great and that he was free all day! Perfect right? 

Soon after that email, I receive another one from him stating that although he really enjoyed coffee with me, he wanted to make it clear that this was not a date, as he didn't want to come between me and my husband getting back together. 

Ah... What? 

I thought hard about what I said about my marriage and separation... I never once said we were working things out, or I ever had any intention of working things out. I never said it was an abusive marriage, however I did say we were finished and both moving on. I'd even mentioned I helped my ex with his online dating profile hoping he'd find someone new quickly. I purposely did not say anything bad about Chris, but I sure as h e double hockey sticks did not say anything nice about our marriage either. I barely talked about it. 

I don't get it. 

I emailed him back saying that I was up for a just friends coffee and needed the mental stimulus of smart people in my life. I also mentioned that there was no chance of me going back into my abusive marriage and that I'd stayed so long it had actually harmed my children, not helped them. I also mentioned that my situation was my problem and not one I was looking for another person to solve for me.... Just in case he thought that... 

My feelings are raw right now... I am hurting ... Plus in therapy I am working on the whole why do I feel like I don't deserve to be loved, respected, valued, cared about, etc thing. That's probably why my first reaction was, what is wrong with me? Why don't men want to date me? 

Rationally, I know there is nothing wrong with me. I did everything right. This is his hang up, not mine.  Still it stings that he wouldn't want to date me. I know I need friends more than dates, I need to build a support system not a string of affairs. Still, a huge part of me is desperate to feel desired, wanted, needed.

UPDATE:

Turns out that it's not my marriage he's worried about getting in the way of. He's worried I'll get in the way of him getting his wife back. He's still in love with his wife four year later and isn't ready to date, but is open to friendship with me to help stave off the loneliness. Insert eye roll here... Next time buddy, just be honest. I'm still open to be friends... Always good to have friends, you never know who he knows.

Nice Guys - Why Don't I Want One?

We've all heard the adage, nice guys finish last. I feel for these guys because they really are trying hard and recently I tried to meet 'nice guys' online and find some kind of chemistry with them. Each time it turned into a disaster. They shower me with their attention and I leave the coffee shop asking myself, why don't I deserve to be loved, cared about, cherished?

I do deserve to be loved, cared about, cherished, treated like a queen. Yet, after these socially awkward dates with nice guys, I feel like I don't, but what I'm really asking is ... Why don't I deserve to be loved, cared about, and cherished by Marc (or men like him.)? I'm not saying Marc is a bad boy type, he just chooses to be unavailable, so he keeps me at arms length, but within easy reach in case I decide I want to wonder off and shut a door between us.

It's not that I don't have access to men willing to give me the attention and the love I crave, it's that I don't want them to. It has nothing to do with how they look, as some of them are quite cute.  I sit through coffee while they keep telling me how beautiful I am, how smart, how special, how wonderful. I keep trying to talk about other things and they bring the conversation back to complimenting me and making grandiose promises about how they'll treat me or what they'll give me. If they aren't talking about me, they are giving me their sob story about how lonely they are, how much they want to have someone like me to love them. Either way I feel nervous and self-conscious. 

Their promises to give me things or take care of me make me uncomfortable. If they buy me something it makes me feel obligated. I haven't done anything to deserve a gift. I don't feel right letting them pay because we aren't dating, going forward, and if they constantly tell me how good looking they think I am, it isn't going any further than coffee. 

Their compliments make me feel bad about myself because I don't believe them. I'm used to being criticized and put down. I am used to being told I'm only so good and will never amount to anything more than a wife. My whole life has been limited by people who control me and keep me under their control using hurtful words and limitations. So when a stranger is telling me how beautiful I am or how much they want to take care of me, it makes my skin crawl. I don't believe they mean it or that I deserve  it. I start thinking there must be something wrong with me and start to question why I don't deserve love.  

A man like Marc may say I look nice when they meet me, once, but that's it, they don't beat me over the head with it. The compliments they give me are few, well placed, and sincere, they are like crumbs that I lap up and keep looking for more. I want more, so I obsess trying to figure out how to please them to get more. It is a game and it works. 

I was talking to a nice guy, a down on his luck type, trying to explain to him why women brushed off nice guys. How being constantly complimented only made me anxious and did not inspire affection for him. How it would have been better to say nothing about how I look, how great I am, or how much I deserved. How it would be better to talk about life, work, global news, anything but what he thought of me. He wasn't impressed with my assessment of how he should interact and ended the coffee meet. 

It's not that I'm looking for some jerk who will, disrespect me, tear me down, or abuse me. I'm not. I am looking for a confident man who knows what he wants, is very busy with work and can handle independence from his woman. A man who is secure enough in himself that he can support me in my weaknesses and allow me to support him in his. A man who will help me when I need it and will give me space to solve my own problems when I want to. A man who won't constantly judge me and will want to see me succeed in life as a writer.

I have a lot of healing and strength building to get to a point where I will deserve such a man. When I've done the work to rebuild myself, I will not settle for anything less though. By then, not only will I deserve the love of such a man, but I will believe that I do.

He's Not That into Me - How I Changed That - Briefly.

Marc is an ideal, an obsession, a man who flits in and out of my email to keep me on his hook, each time keeping me obsessing over him, but last week I changed that. How? Simple, I stopped caring and put on my kiss ass Bitch hat. -- Yeah I made that sound easier than it is. However, it is a mind switch - thinking instead of feeling. Ah huh? Let me explain...

When I was obsessing about Marc, constantly searching for his emails, stalking him on the dating site, I was motivated by my feelings. Loneliness, hurt, abandonment, and self loathing. Yes, self loathing. I did not feel worthy of being treated better than he was treating me. The other men I've met who are making grand gestures, saying wonderful things about me, and promising to treat me right make me uncomfortable and I hated myself even more.

That statement may not make a lot of sense, I mean how do 'nice' compliments from 'nice guys' make me hate myself more? They do because I don't believe them, compliments are foreign to me, and they make me nervous. I leave the conversation asking myself what is wrong with me? Why can't I just like someone who sees me as an amazing woman? Why don't I deserve to be cherished, loved, cared for? Why do I feel more comfortable being treated like a Whore by Marc? Why do I feel more comfortable being constantly criticized? Why do I feel more comfortable feeling worthless, unloveable, unworthy, and invaluable? The answer - I am a survivor of life long abuse.

The first thing I did was to write on post it notes stating I am worthy, valuable, loveable, and deserving of love, success, and respect. Next, I did not email Marc, until he finally emailed me and during that time I wrote and rewrote an email stating how wonderful I am and exactly what I wanted, where my boundary was. His response was positive. More positive than I would have imagined and lastly, I wasn't there to respond every time he emailed me back.... which resulted in him emailing me again and chasing me again.

I use my mind to tell myself over and over I do not care if he disappears, I do not care if he is talking with other women, I do not care if he is sleeping with other women. I do not care if he contacts me or if he doesn't. I keep telling myself this over and over and over..... One day I'll believe it. Right now though I am acting like I believe it and it's producing more communication from him. He is stepping closer. He likes me more as a confident woman instead of the insecure school girl.

The full email I wrote and his full response will be in one of the future Game of 51 books.



Here is some of what I wrote him:


I have a choice.... I can accept what you are offering or I can walk away.... I know what you want... sex... no strings attached.... no icky romantic feelings...  I've always known this... and I chose you.... 

So what if I'm not a priority to you? I can't do anything about how you feel about me. I have no control over you. You will either take me or leave me.... I am who I am, I don't play games, I tell it like I see it and I can rationalize my feelings -- eventually, once I understood the boundaries and expectations.

Once I comprehended that you were serious about me. Once I felt secure in my role with you, I could manage my reaction to not being a priority. 

If you don't want me - nothing I can do about it. No use getting all upset.... I was stupid to get upset before. I'm a very passionate, smart, giving, submissive woman -- take it or leave it -- that's me. I can't be anything else or anyone else.... You'll contact me or you won't. You'll show up or you won't. Either way -- I'll survive. 

His initial response:


Your previous letter was quite insightful of you, and of yourself and how you are viewing your life. I see you progressing above my expectations of you. You are becoming more confident, more sure of yourself, more positive. That pleases me. 



Yes he contacted me more, chased me a bit, but then went silent again. I can't do anything about that. I can only control myself and how I react. Do I want to chase a man who only wants sex and nothing else? No. Do I want to chase a man who only sees me as a whore to use? No. Do I want to chase Marc? No. Am I still obsessed with him? Yes.

I need a life. I need to meet other people in the real world and work on my own self image. I have to get busy and as I get busier and meet friends who are healthy for me and supportive of me, I will eventually learn how to love myself and men like Marc will not be able to get a hold on me.

I still feel blessed for knowing Marc, he was there when I needed him. God has used him to help bring me out of an abusive marriage, to help me understand control, dominance, and submission. The nice compliments Marc has given me have rung true to my heart and helped me to like myself more. The amazing supportive words he has provided me have helped me to stand up to those who are controlling in my life and have helped me to create boundaries. He has helped me figure out what I want and has opened me up to sexuality where just four months ago I couldn't even admit I had sex with my husband.

He has been a blessing. I hope he will continue to be in my life, however, it's up to me if he is, I must see him for who he is, what he wants from me, and expect no more from him. I have a choice, take what he is offering me or walk away. I chose him. Now it's up to me to find ways to not obsess, to have a life, and maybe one day I'll find the man I really want to have a life with.

Gender Roles, Gender Equality, and Dominant Men.

The Game of 51 series started out as a record of my online dating experiences as I went from a long term marriage back into the world of dating. What it has turned into is a study in gender roles in relationship, power exchange in sex, and gender equality in a Dominant / Submissive relationship.

As I talk to dominant men online I am struck by their attitude toward feminism and modern women. Their views aren't even old fashion ideals of the role of woman. It isn't about loving a woman so much you'd die for them. It isn't about cherishing a woman or taking care of them. It's about using them as sexual objects and using sex to put them in their place. It's about having a woman serve them, worship them, stroke their egos, and be a sexual slave for them. She is to always be ready for sex, which if you're a woman you know - we aren't always in the mood, but that doesn't matter to a dominant man.

Sure being a sex object is a boost to the self esteem. It feels good to be desired, wanted, lusted after. But it gets old fast. Sex is only a small part of a relationship - but to these guys it's everything. It's how they assert their power, their dominance, who they are in the relationship. It's how they make their women less than people, they make them objects of desire, ready to serve them.

They usually ask me what I believe the roles of men and women in a relationship should be. I do like how the Dominant / Submissive dynamic clearly defines gender roles because each person knows exactly what is expected and who is responsible for what. How many more marriages would have lasted had each person been clear about their expectations up front? What role each person was supposed to take on? Who would lead, who would follow?

Still, a Dominant / Submissive 24/7 relationship is an unequal power dynamic I have a hard time wrapping my head around. The more I talk to these men, the more I read, the more I research, the more confusing it becomes. A Dominant man will punish his woman physically, as if she was a child, if she does not do as she is told. When one guy told me he'd spank me if I didn't keep the house clean I told him I'd give him a good right hook if he tried. One, because I'm not a child. Two, because I can't clean worth the brown stuff coming out your butt. I'm not about to agree to discipline for something I know I'll never succeed at or be happy succeeding at. I find no pride in keeping a clean house or by pleasing someone I resent for making me.

For the record I do clean my place, I get rid of clutter etc..... But I do not feel pride when someone comments on how nice the place looks.

The thing that strikes me as completely unfair about the Dominant / Submissive relationship is this: There is a definite consequence for the woman when she doesn't fulfill her role in the agreement, usually a spanking, but who punishes the man when he doesn't fulfill his end of the bargain?  If she isn't getting what she needs, what she wants, if he isn't fulfilling his role, where is his consequence? Who will spank the dominant man when he screws up?

 I have a very hard time getting my head around that. A Submissive in a 24/7 relationship is not supposed to have wants, her only need is supposed to be to serve her Dominant. Still, there has to be something the Dominant is providing the Submissive to get her to stay and if he doesn't, who spanks him?

I believe equality amongst the sexes in a relationship is about respecting each others strengths and supporting them in their weaknesses. I don't believe all men are meant to make all the decisions in a relationship. I don't believe all women are meant to be in the kitchen. I believe equality in relationships is different for each relationship and neither person should take the lead based only on their gender. Dominant men don't seem to like this point of view.

Before you say I'm not submissive, I am in a certain part of a relationship. I'm just not a 24/7 submissive and I have a hard time understanding them. However, I want to. I want to understand how they don't feel abused. How they can view the control that is asserted over them as loving care. I want to know what they get out of such an unequal power dynamic.

Book 4, which I am currently writing, explores 24/7 submission and asks questions about how someone can really find happiness in such a relationship. I talk with a few Dominants online looking for a 24/7 Submissive and I may not get it, but the point of relationships is that there are all different kinds for all different kinds of people.

Due to my marital situation Book 4 will be delayed.

My Insightful Dream Last Night

If you've been following me you know my life is a mass of change and assholes. Last night I had a very telling dream about how I feel and how my actions push men away and how I have to change the way I  feel about me to get off the merry go round.

The dream: In the dream I was at my brother's wedding but my mother seated me and the kids outside the room. Everyone else was inside the room. I was not part of the family photo session, the ceremony, the reception. I was ignored, forgotten and physically removed from the action.

In the dream I got very upset when we were back at the house. I screamed at my mother, I cried, I poured out my heart. I went over every slight, listed out every other family event I wasn't invited to, seated outside of, and demanded she apologize, make up for it, make me feel better. Guess what. She got mad I was ruining the wedding. She rationalized, came up with excuses, put the blame on me, belittled my feelings, laughed at the drama.

In the dream I told other family members about how I felt and they would tell me I didn't understand what they were going through and why I had to be seated outside to keep the family peace because there wasn't enough room inside and heaven forbid one of them were seated out there. Until I started listing off how I was outside of every family celebration, never invited, forgotten and then they started in on my mother and how unfair she was being. Still she pushed back, didn't relent, didn't make me feel better. I did not matter.

Finally, in the dream I walked away. I packed up the kids and left telling her not to contact us ever again. Suddenly she was buying me gifts, planning trips that included us, and trying to do whatever she could to make things better. However, the more she did the more angry I got, the more hurt, the more slights, insults, and injustice I remembered. For example, my ex husband and his mother were seated in the room at my brother's wedding, why were they even invited? If they weren't there would have been room for me and the kids. I was trying to make her pay, get her to give more, apologize more, feel worse than she did. I was miserable. I couldn't feel happy with the gifts, the attention, the apology.

That's the dream streamlined, of course there were many more people, lots more action, and even finer symbolic details.

I don't keep a dream journal. I don't analyze my dreams or even care to really remember them. This one struck me as significant this morning because it's very telling of my marriage, dating life, and even the relationship I have with my mother. It's telling because it tells me how I act, how I demand attention, how I hang on hoping for those crumbs of decency I believe I am entitled to. I play the martyr, the victim, hoping others will feel sorry for me and fight my battle for me.

Currently, I don't feel like I matter. I don't feel cared about, heard, or even loved and that's because I'm not.

I am on a merry go round of hurt, pain, emotional baggage. I know that until I can store that baggage in the overhead compartment for good because I matter to me, I care about me, I love me, I will never matter to anyone else.

The question becomes, how to jump off this merry go round? How to love myself?

I'm Obsessed With a Man

I need to get a grip. I am obsessed with Marc. I can't get him out of my head, haven't been able to since he first winked at me four months ago. He has been manipulating me the whole time. I can see the manipulation techniques as they happen and I still step toward him willingly. I want what he is offering but I need to stop.

Every time he goes silent to bring me closer I go insane. I can't stop emailing him, jumping up and down saying "Hey don't forget about me."

Yesterday I noticed he was chatting on the online dating site I met him on and so what do I do.... sent him 4 emails. First one.. Hey thinking about you... second and third... questions about what I should be expecting from whatever this is with him and the last email was let's just say I don't expect to hear from him any time soon. I was quite depressed by the time I wrote it.  -- Started out with me saying call me when he was in town for sex and I'd write him a bill on my way out the door right after he used me.... Not very sexy.

Really pathetic. Completely desperate. The absolutely wrong thing to do.....

The reason I'm obsessing over this jerk is I have no life. I now live on my own. I work from home. I moved into a small apartment so all my hobby crap went into storage. I need to get out. I need to get busy. I need to figure out what things I need to do to be happy. I need to meet other people, both men and women... In other words, I need a life.

If I can get a life then I won't be looking for Marc's emails. I won't be around for his calls. I won't be available for video sex... now that was a hot experience.... One I can't wait to write about in my series the Game of 51.  If I'm not available then he'll either write me off or start obsessing over me.... either way I'll be happier.

If he writes me off then I'm finally free of the hold he has over me. If he starts obsessing over me then I'll hear from him more and the benefits of that are hot... really hot... and satisfying....

I have just gone through a really terrible time in my life leaving me depressed. Marc is my distraction. The thing that makes me feel good for about 5 seconds and I crave that happy feeling. Problem is, when I am not getting his attention the absence of that 'happy feeling' leaves me even more depressed.

Any ideas about what to do to stay occupied and stop obsessing over a man? I prefer meeting another man.... whenever I do it works well, until the other man becomes a dud..... Usually the minute I meet him in the real world. Are there any decent single men out there?

My Girlfriend Found a Guy Online

There are decent guys to be found online dating. I went to lunch with the girls and my one friend who has been a single mom of two kids forever told us she has a boyfriend. A really 'nice' guy who she met online. Looking at his profile online she felt he was just a 'nice' guy who'd end up being a good friend, turns out he was better than that.

They had a great time on their first date and as time went on she found herself more and more attracted to him. When he finally kissed her, sparks!!!

They've been together for a month now and she's radiantly happy. I am thrilled for her, even though it means she'll be too busy with him to spend much time with the girls. I hope he turns out to be the Prince her life needs and she deserves.

After talking to all the creeps, perverts, and weirdos I seem to attract, it's nice to know that there is a light somewhere down the line and romance can be found online.

Date Number 3 was a Charm

OK, so if you've been following my dating life, coffee meet ups haven't been going so well. I survived but they were a disaster. I guess the third one is the charm because I had the best time last night.

I took a different approach this time, I set up a coffee meet up with a guy that was 'not' my type physically and much smarter than the bad boy type who usually attracts me. I thought oh he's a 'nice' guy, you know the type who end up being a good friend instead of a boyfriend. Turns out, he was interesting, so interesting in fact, that coffee turned into dinner, which turned into an evening stroll on the dock.

Usually, when I come across a 'nice' guy online all they have to say to me is how beautiful I am or how much they want to take care of me, if I'd just give them the chance. I know I'm good looking, I don't need guys telling me or fawning it over me to stroke my ego. I may be at the poverty level and looking at moving out into a crummy apartment, but I can take care of myself thank you. Sure, it would be nice to have a guy who would take care of me, but it's not something I put on my wish list of things I want in a man. It's something I would like in a long term relationship with someone I fall in love with for other reasons.

What made this 'nice guy' different? He was interesting. We had amazing deep conversations about the world, life, theology, etc. He was a complete gentleman and didn't go fawning over my 'look.' He wasn't into hook ups and knew where my eyes were, he never let his fall to my chest. It was a great feeling to be treated as an intelligent respectable woman, and not some guys wet dream.

I am not looking for a serious long term relationship right now, but he has made the short list. Maybe I can be attracted to 'nice' guys after all. Did I mention he could kiss, like all the way down to your toes kiss?

Divorce, Decisions, Depression

I was looking forward to my forties being a great deal better than my thirties and so far... I've got side swiped and then banged up. Five months before turning forty my husband of twenty years tells me he wants a divorce. At least he didn't literally kick me to the curb and I still have a roof over my head. Only problem is, he's still under it too.

Not only that but my kids became teenagers and now they want very little to do with me. Problem is, I gave up a career in finance to stay home with them and struggled through flexible jobs that I was barely any good at to raise them. Now what? My dream career has always been to be a writer, but I'm hardly alone there and only 1% of those trying to become writers actually make a living at it. Depressing.

My marriage ended over a year ago and all the decisions I have no control over are beginning to piss me off, so I've started taking control of my life for the first time in ten years. Yes, I gave up control of my life to my husband about ten years ago. He made all the major decisions and after a short fight, I'd just nodded my head politely saying "it's a bad decision, but if it's what you think is best." Problem was, he didn't consider my needs or take care of me financially in the process. Now I've got no credit, a manageable debt, a low paying job that won't support me and two teenagers living in a very expensive city.  My parents and the bulk of my friends live in a totally different country than I do, on a different continent and moving there is just too much change to put the kids through.

I've decided to push my ex to finish the renos, I've started dating, and I'm gonna move out before he's ready to sell the house. I forgot how good I was at making decisions. Yes, it's much easier to give someone else the responsibility. It's not smart though. In my case my husband wasn't very good at making decisions even though he wanted to be the one in control. The stress of making bad decision after bad decision caused lots of friction in our marriage, a major loss of trust and some very bad blood between us. He was always miserable, always stressed, always blaming me for the consequences and I resented him for dragging me along kicking and screaming behind him.

Divorce is going to be a good thing for me, once I can finally get a decent pay cheque or a second part time job to afford rent. If I could trust my ex to pay child support I wouldn't worry about a second job, but I know him. There will be no cheques sent my way unless the courts force it and I'm not sure I want to put everyone through that nastiness for an extra $800.00 a month. My kids need their dad and I've seen what courts can do to kids. It's not worth it. I'd rather work a second job than put my kids through it.

I've been on medication to manage my depression for over ten years now, but when situational depression gets added onto the clinical, it can be hard to push through even with the magic pill. I had a job interview yesterday and I was hoping it would be a quick solution, but wasn't. The interview made me think there aren't opportunities for someone like me out there, which I know is not true.

Marc hasn't contacted me in seven days now and he'd hung up on me without saying goodbye, so that lifeline is only adding to the blue feelings swimming around inside me. The other guys I've been talking to online have become silent and there have been no new ones interested in a middle aged overweight curvy housewife. The distractions of the last two months are silent.

My friends have their own lives and are all happily married. Besides none of them deserve to listen to me moan on about how difficult I allowed my life to become. I work from home, so it's isolating with very little in the way of face to face interaction. I get hung up on constantly, rejection is a daily word in my life, whether it be a sales call or a query letter to an agent.

My kids are extremely smart, extremely teenage, and extremely vocal about what they think should be going on in my life. They know how to push my buttons, make me feel guilty, and how to get me to do what they want me to do, all while spending my money. Yes I know, time to change that too.

Some days depression wins out, this is one of those days and I feel like I was hit by a train, my brain keeps rebooting every so often, sending a jarring electrical shock through me. Very distracting. I know that the best way to move on is to find joy within myself instead of in the attention of others. The only time I feel at peace alone is when I write or read. In other words, when I'm living in LaLa land and not having to face my crappy life. However, not facing my reality will not help me gain the independence I need, nor the solutions.

I should step back from dating. I should definitely take a step back from Marc - a huge step back. I should get a grip on my life and what I want from it before adding more crap into the mix. What do I want? My mother asked me that question when I told her Chris wanted out of our marriage. Funny coming from her because she always told me what I thought and wanted growing up. I didn't have an answer. I do now, but it still takes the mighty dollar, a whole lot of determination and facing fears I never thought I'd face alone.

I know I  will make it in this crazy world, one decision at a time.

Why Can't I Want one of the 'Nice' Guys?

I just realized that it's been six days since Marc said boo to me and it has been six weeks since we've had a proper conversation.  I don't know if I can do this - the no emotions thing - the not caring thing - the just being a toy thing. I can do the submissive thing, but not the being forgotten thing. I can do the non exclusive thing, that isn't a problem, but I don't know if I can push the emotional part out of any relationship I enter into, especially this one. 

Maybe its because I'm too impatient and seeing him or really talking to him is becoming something that I can't ever see actually happening. I have a bad habit of wanting a dream, an illusion, a story, and missing the reality of what's right in front of me. What is in front of me now? A cold distant man who doesn't care about who I am or how I feel. Yet, I want to be used by him so badly it hurts me. I've become so obsessed by him I can barely function in my day to day. I hang on, hoping that one day Marc will return that one day he will like me, want me, care about me. I'm like a puppy waiting for a treat that will never come. 

This is the insanity of my life. 

I have 'nice' guys begging me to give them a chance, some are very good looking and some have lots of money. Guys who will bow at my feet and worship me, spend money on me, give me everything they possibly can, just to get my attention. However, these men don't interest me. They bother me like little flies buzzing around in the heat. I could never just use them, no matter the promises of security, stuff, travel or love. I could never respect them. I could never love them. They are too attainable, too nice, too easy for me to walk all over if I allowed myself to do it.

No, I want the man who can never love me. I want the man who will only use me until he gets bored and then throws me away. I am moved to extreme desire by a man who will only give a tiny bit of himself to me. It's not enough, it will never be enough, and I will be discontent and hurting as long as I lust after him. I know this and yet I still hang on with hope that he'll gaze upon me one day.

How can I change my way of feeling? My mindset? How can I start lusting after the 'nice' guys. The ones who will cherish me, care for me, love me? How can I walk away and turn my back on Marc? On the one man who can truly possess me?

Book 3 Too Intimate to Share

I am writing book three of the Game of 51 Series and some of the scenes are intimate between me and Marc. I feel very uncomfortable sharing them in the book because they are ours and I don't want to hurt him by making public these conversations. Yet, at the same time it is going against the goal I had when I started this project.

See, I never thought I'd really end up caring for him. I thought it would just be sex and that would be it. At the time I thought he'd deserve it for not caring about me as a person. I neglected to consider that I would care about him as a person. I can't just see him as a creep just wanting to have sex with me because that's not who he is.

When I started the project, I had all these assumptions about dominants and how they treated women. Most of society does. Assumptions about some of these type of men are valid, those who abuse or go to far, but some, like Marc, are different.  I have learned a lot about the dominant / submissive relationship dynamic over the course of a month and still have a lot to learn. Some dominant men I've talked to, do go to far, some that I've read about are abusers posing as dominants, but neither of these is Marc.

Marc asks questions, listens, teaches, gives me support and advice. He focuses on my needs and finds pleasure in my desire for him. I want to please him and am willing to do things I never thought I'd do for a minute, just to make him happy. I have a lot more to learn about this man.

The small parts of him that he has shown me I really like. I want to know more about him. I didn't think this, whatever it is, would go on this long. I didn't think I'd care about his feelings since he obviously doesn't care about mine. However, I do. I want to please him and protect him from my project. It's just who I am. I can't separate feelings from sex, even when that's all it is.

The series is based in reality and as a writer I am fictionalizing the scenes as much as possible to make it more interesting, flow better, and to protect the real people. I will continue to write the story and change it up to protect Marc's real identity and the real identity of every man I have talked to online. The whole point of this project is to understand how woman are sucked into scams, manipulated by abusers and to share the horrors of dating in the twenty first century.

Some people have shared their horror stories with me and I can't wait to add them into the series. To put myself into their shoes and try to understand how they ended up where they did.

I Found my Husband on an Online Dating Site

Legally I'm still married. Hell, we still live under the same roof. However, we are in separate rooms and our marriage is de facto - over, finis ca, done like dinner. I've had an online dating profile for just over a month and it's been a crap show, a real stinker of a deal. I never told my husband I was looking, my kids knew, but not my husband.

The other day I log in and there was his pic... A terrible pic at that... He had finally taken the plunge and I started laughing my head off. I found him in his room and we had a nice long talk about online dating. The creeps I'd been attracting, the rules I'd set in place for myself, and what I was hoping he would find.

In less than twelve hours, with a crappy pic of himself, he had over seventy messages... I never got nearly that many and most everything I got was crap. He got 'hot' chicks, successful women, professionals. I get crap. How fair is that?

I offered to help him get a better pic, I'm a good photographer, but no he wants to do it himself. I tried to help him go through the messages, but no he doesn't want my help. I want him to find someone, I hope he finds someone quickly, then he'll be out with her and away from the house even more.

We talked about the rules, he got mad at me for talking with perverts and writing a book about my experiences, he yelled at me because the kids had found out when I forgot to log off my computer. He went off on me about meeting guys and being careful, like I was some dumb teenager. When I do meet a guy in the real world... I'm not going to be stupid about it. At least I hope I won't be.

Attention makes me feel great, someone wanting me, desiring me, makes me do stupid things. Considering the men I've been IMing with for the sake of a storyline, I'd say I haven't been too intelligent so far. I mean come on, I'm lusting after a man who wants to dominate me. How smart is that? Not very.

His Attention

I've been busy. Marc has been paying attention to me by sending me emails almost every day. He's asking me questions about what I want when we meet and telling me what few things he wants. I still don't know if he's coming to visit or if he is, when. Just the idea that he might be coming is exciting. I'm scared and excited all wrapped into one ball of an emotional storm.

I love all the attention he's been giving me. It's only a couple emails a day, but it's enough to let me know he's thinking about me, wants me, and that he might actually be coming to meet me soon.

Trying to Figure Him Out...

If you've read my books, you know Marc is not only a man but a dominant man who enjoys the power exchange of having a woman do his bidding in the bedroom. Currently I am having a very hard time understanding what makes him tick because he won't tell me anything about him. I've talked with a few other dominant men trying to understand the relationship dynamic and they don't give anything about themselves away.

This is an issue for me.

I want to understand Marc, get to know him better, but he won't let me. Information is one way - Do what you're told and be rewarded. Don't, and be punished or worse, ignored. Any time I try to manipulate him or the conversation to get more from him, or ask too many questions, I am faced with long periods of silence.

That's a good thing though, right? I need him to ignore me, so I can pull myself back from him. To take ownership of myself. To get him out of my head and be my own person again. If only I could. Wanting this man makes me feel pathetic. He is so confident, assured, and powerful leaving me insecure, unsure, and weak in his presence.

If you met me in the real world, you would not use those three words to describe me. Most people describe me as a strong, independent, smart woman. Too smart to get caught up with a man like Marc. Too independent to please a man like him, and too strong willed to take any type of crap from a man like him.

Yet, I am drawn to him. I want to please him, do as he tells me, be what he wants me to be. Yes, I am pathetic. I asked too many questions the other day trying to understand him, trying to figure out what motivates him, what makes him tick, what he gets out of this type of relationship, and he said good bye and went silent.

Now I must wait. Wait until he summons me again. Wait until he feels I have been punished enough and will submit to him. I hate that word. Submit. It's an ugly word for a woman because throughout history women have been held down by that word. They have been abused, neglected, and left frustrated in their lives because the men they submit to don't take care of them.

That is my greatest fear... once used up by this man I will be left with what? As what? That answer is simple - Nothing.